Never thought it will end like this.

  So the last time i went to subordinate courts was during my work attachment watching a client get his charges...who would have thought that now it would be my turn at that place my client used to be...

  No none of you read it wrong...yes im gonna be charged in court soon and the sentence will happen maybe few weeks down. So what in the world did i do to get myself into this heap of crap?

  Well lesson number 1 to add into my life " No more drinking!" I made a promise to myself never to touch another drop of alcohol anymore. I was drinking with my friends and got dead ass drunk...and that caused me to show another much darker side of me...which leads to

  Lesson number 2 " I gotta deal with my anger management". Yes my anger is something most of you never saw before..its hidden deep down somewhere and i make it a point never to let it surface. Well alcohol made that side of me appear, and i was apparently drunk enough to punch a security guard in the face and also scold vulgarities at a police officer.

  So yea those are my 2 charges. But how about the whole story? Well started harmlessly enough...just wanted to celebrate before entering NS so me and a few friends played a few drinking games...Well a few became a few too many as one by one we knocked out. Everything else after that was a flash and blur to me. I rmbed somethings we talked about...i rmbed having verbal exchanges with the security guard. I rmbed barging into their security booth...and rmbed them holding me from my back. I also remembered being pinned down by a police officer and being handcuffed. I was lead off into a police car and inside was when i started making sense of the whole thing, although i still thought it was a dream.

  The whole experience was horrible...i was brought to AMK police HQ and there i was thrown into some sort of holding cell kinda thing with 6 other people. It was literally a single room, a small partition for a squatter toilet and thats it. Hard floors and plain walls in all directions. I rmbed trying to get some rest..hoping that it was a dream and i would wake up...i rmbed crying and weeping a lot. It was only later when i talked with some of the others did i find out that i was talking to myself and they thought i was nuts :p

  The people were good. We had a mix of different cases. A few cases of holding knife (but no injuries), 1 case of theft, another one was an illegal immigrant. Some who was drunk also like me. So yea...was a good mix and i got to talk with quite  a bit of them when i was more sober. They told me a little more about where i am since it was my first time and some of them were repeated offences. at first it seems ok..i was slowly getting the fact that its all real and i messed up somewhere. But talking to them helped me keep my sanity...well not for long.

  As some of them started leaving (bail or court case) the room became quieter, and that was where everything sunk into me. I was in a police station, held in a cell, with no clue what just happened. My parents dont even know where i am, i dont even know if my frens are fine. Everything just came collapsing on me and one huge question popped up from it "what have i done?"

  I was devastated enough to start crying due to my fear of the unknown. that was probably already about 7 hours of stoning in the room. I was supposed to wait for an investigation officer to talk to me but i only talked to him 12 hours after i first entered. In this 12 hours it was silent torture. Being in that room surrounded by walls gave a man time to think. That was where i made my own promise not to touch alcohol again, and also how i was going to set things right. But slowly i caved in. I missed my mum and dont even know how shes holding up. She would definitely notice that i havent been home and havent contacted her...but does she know where i am and what happened? I was worried sick about her and her face kept popping into my mind and on the walls i stared at. I started tearing again...i just wanted it to be over and give her a huge hug. Tell her im sorry and i've been foolish. I kept having images of her and my family all over the walls...it was torture. I felt useless and powerless...in no control. I felt helpless. I know at that point i realized how important my family was to me.

  It was during this period when i also discovered something. I was so alone...i turned to God. Something i have not done in 2 years. There was nothing i could do. No one to talked to (since there was like only 3 ppl left) and so i just spent hours talking to God. I talked about my past, about what i wanna be in future...about whats gonna happen to be next...about how im gonna fix this...I talked about tons of things. I dunno if it helped...but praying to him kept my sanity in check when i was at breaking point (on many occasions too)

  This whole experience left me shaken, to say the least. It showed me how its like to feel powerless...to have no control over what you do...to have so many emotions crash upon you at the same time. However it also showed me what is important in life. It was a torture, but a lesson nonetheless. I paid a huge price for a folly i made..and folly i dont intend to make again.

Kids these days >:(

Damn...so long since i posted...so starting off with some updates :P

Well...my wrist is fractured and now still recovering...probably will not be a full recovery but at least don't need surgery. sucks to have to use only one hand but yea..gotten used to it

in other new...i managed to sms "E" and actually got a reply. Well the convo was short lived but it was nice to hear from "E" again finally.

Also been having problems as usual..i think my search for trust worthy friends usually end up in mistakes. Should just stick with my usual friends and not try to make new friends. Cuz usually...after getting to know them...to some point you think you can trust them...and in the end they treat you more or less like some shallow friend. They call you when they need you...they hang out with you...but only because they have nothing else to do (no games, bored). they only talk to you when they need your help..or have something to ask you. Its not like BAMS...where we just meet up just because we want to meet up. We can just sit around and talk...and its always continuous. Those are solid friendships. Unlike all these which i always end up slapped with. "friends" who are only around when theres game to play...no games they run off to other friends who plays games...well when you are in a pinch dont even think about fcking coming to me with your problems..im not some tool or object that you cannjust pick up when you need and throw one side when you're done (yea i say this now..but ppl who know me well probably knows that i'll still be a complete loser and still help them even though they use me). maybe its becuz im stupid...but well...they may not treat me like a close friend...but i do treat them like a close friend and so i'll still do my part.

ugh...well kinda just ranting around now...but still...im going to just be normal...cuz at the end of the day...i cant say i didnt expect it. I placed my faith on something and it disappoint.ugh thinking abt it makes me sick..im gonna go play some games or something...anyways my youtube channel is revived again so anyone interested in some gaming vids can hop there :D

Been another long while

Been quite another long while since i last blogged :x well but what to do..life is just another stalemate...no where here nor there...and im just waiting for things to happen...so now with my trusty cup of tea beside me and a semi-fresh head...time for a chunky update

So im done with poly! thats major i guess...no more studying which means almost no more life...well not true...im also an officer cadet with BB now and i've been keeping myself busy on that end...good i guess...cuz it does keep my mind occupied...now just waiting for graduation and then NS...and speaking of NS...no letter yet...so no commando yet :P well hopefully im really that lucky :x

In other news..."E" birthday is coming..planning to send another message to "E"..maybe this time i might get a reply...but somehow or another...i realized its no longer as important to me anymore...why? cuz my heart is slowly being pulled away from "E" by other ppl. Others who means a lot to me as well. My heart kinda is still stuck with "E"...thats probably not gonna change. But to fall in like with someone...thats kinda a hopeful thing for me i guess. planning to write a lot on this..but most likely in my private blog to make things easier...believe it or not..its a lot harder to type in code alphabets =.=

so all in all...life is just a slow, draggy train...mixed a little with more downs than ups...but then again..im so used to downs in life that it doesn't really affect me that much anymore...just another day...just another day.

Countdown

Many concurrent countdowns happening in my life now that i think abt it.

1)Countdown to NS
2)Countdown to "E" birthday
3)Countdown to Monster Hunter
4)Countdown to many other small events

First off probably the most interesting thing is that my top major countdown wasn't "E" birthday, yea cuz NS takes that spot. Almost done with all the nonsense paperwork and checkups for NS already...meaning all thats left is the letter telling me where i have to go and all. Which means i'll slowly be losing my freedom.

The reason why NS came first is cuz being in NS means i have almost no access to the outside world, in this case "E" (yeapz guess i should have seen this coming, in the end E is always on top of the list) NS will take 2 years and in this time, E should be taking O lvl and then head off to a new school...and knowing E it would most likely be lasalle. But even with this knowledge, i cant help but feel so far away from E. Of course there's gonna be many other things i miss too...like BB and my kiddos at the centre and also SOME of my poly friends and BAMS. But somehow NS don't scare me as much as it did last time. At least all the training parts don't scare me anymore. Right now what affects me most is the fact that i'm going to miss so many things. Sure in NS i can meet new ppl but seriously, i cant be bothered with making new frens. But i guess 2 years may not be so long, like 3 years ago i started poly and look at me now...done with poly and ready for the next step. (self motivational thoughts :P)

Next countdown..well E's birthday is coming up this april, and i want it to be my last chance. I plan to send "E" a birthday message, maybe with any luck things might happen. If not...well then NS in june will mean that i wont have anymore chance. Altho recently i found out that "E" seems to be still single...which kinda is another ray of hope i guess :P Sometimes seeing "E" at NBSS kinda pains me, but also makes me happy that i get to see "E", something which will be lost when im in NS :(

Countdown to monster hunter...which also means countdown to no social life. :P

And some other little things like becoming an officer in BB. Honestly i dunno if its the right choice, i mean the filling up of forms and all the nonsense makes me feel like im going thru all the NS things again. But i guess its another step forward. I cant remain as a volunteer helper forever. If BB is something that i'm passionate abt then i should get through all this nonsense. Anyway some of the BB boys are the reason why i can remain as happy as possible.

Well looks like times are going to be rather stale from now till march...oh and birthdays coming :D means more pressies...maybe "E" would rmb...and then again, maybe im just stupid :(

Love at first sight?

Whoa downright hotness!

Yea so during my attachment i was asked to make videos and as i was going thru all the photos i noticed someone that looked almost exactly like "E"...like an older version of "E". It was amazing..and i immediately fell in like :x

Well can't say i didn't expect it. Nowadays even when i hear "E"s name i will react as well. Or if i hear anything that reminds me of my time with "E". But seeing this new person, i really wish i could met that person. All i have now are little photos here and there but really, seems like such a nice person. This is honestly the first time someone has been able to make me ignore "E" in my mind, and we haven't even met. Imagine if i managed to meet the person..how awesome would that be? :D

But of course...my life sucks and my hopes had to be dashed. Attachment is ending soon and there is no more opportunities to see the person. Ok can i just call that person "E2"..makes it easier for me. So "E2" is from NUS, part of their community service club. "E2" comes by for some events at the SAC. But when i checked the events timetable, NUS CSC was not coming by anymore, at least not when im here. This meant that i got no chance to get to know "E2" :,(

Further more today i went on a stalking spree...find out more abt "E2". I found out that "E2" isnt only a NUS student. "E2" went to sweden for an exchange program in another uni. Also an intern at NVCP. "E2" also graduated from serangoon JC...Smart kid sia :P ARGH the more i think abt "E2" the more i wanna meet "E2" This is so annoying that i can't :( and just like this a potential person goes :( sniffs

But oh well..loyalty still reserved for "E"...at least until someone like "E2" really enters my life...Somemore today there was a student researcher in the office also...another damn hot one :D...my god i realized i changed so much...i've become much more shallow...haha getting attracted by looks so quickly. But i guess how nice the person is still the most important to me...i really just want another person in my life.

Oh well...so i guess for now its still "E" in my head...and probably in there for awhile...anyway attachments ending soon so i guess i'll have a short break before the next lap of my life..NS

Life O Life

I love "E", ok bye :P

No im kidding, well yea i still love "E", obviously, and nowadays its all the much harder cuz i see "E" on a daily basis cuz i cycle past the bus stop that "E" takes the bus to school. so it means i will be seeing "E" a lot more than i can take probably.

Anyways i just updated both my blogs, which kinda helped me think thru abt my life. This is probably how useful blogging is, it helps me to think thru about things. For now, life is kinda a struggle. Cuz on one had, my heart remains true to "E", but it is getting tugged with the idea of going for another person that i do love as well. Well i dunno if its love, but i definitely do like her.

Well other than "E", which i talked about like for ages in my other blog already, other parts of my life is also ups and downs. BB and attachment is somewhat ok..BB has been fantastic as we move into the new year, and even tho im only gonna be available for 4 months before potentially entering NS, im still gonna make the fullest of it. attachment started off bad but is slowly improving. I cant wait for it to end so i can be more focused on other aspects of my life. Abt NS, well apparently its gonna be tough for me and i have been training up (irregular jogging, Hey im trying okae) and hopefully i can be slightly more in shape before entering. I really miss a lot of my kiddos at the student care, it seems like ages since i last visited them...probably the only aspect that really is keeping me in check are my BB boys. being focused on their well being keeps more occupied, and playing games with them helps solve some stress.

So all in all, i dunno, i might update my other blog a little more consistently now that i got back to it, but also now that a lot more people seem to be getting thru that password, well i can filter my content, but honestly if ppl broke thru the password then there is nthing much more to hide anyway :P

New years here, old troubles also here

Its the new year...but somehow life seems like its not gonna change munch for me

Well it was good though cuz i spent my countdown with BAMS. We bought tons of food and really just chatted about life and all the nonsense. It was good, but ruined somewhat because i managed to see "E"...yea...even on new years i have the luck to see "E" with the friends. I kinda wished that i could have spent new years with "E", but i guess somethings are not meant to be.

Even now i have attachment, which is sucking really bad cuz i hate it. Coupled with the fact that another friend of mine knows about me...thankfully im close to her so im not so worried. But sometimes i wonder if its a good thing. Then again im lucky to be among people who i can trust and love, and they all play a huge role in my life.

So as the new year comes, i can look forward to a window of freedom before going into NS. "E" is taking O lvl this year as well. Wish "E" would do well i guess, but after Os, i wont even know where "E" will go. Maybe this year i'll be luckier, and maybe miracles might happen.