its late at night now...took a break from video editting cuz my compressor is giving problems and using windows live movie maker sucks :(

Anyway went for Christian Basics and i guess you could say that i was...enlightened? i find myself being convinced slowly about this God stuff...dunno if i still subscribe to it...but hey...times like times like this..no harm trying

Another thing..i realized i've developed some sort of mechanisms against demands...definitely a product of 18 years of living with the tyrannous Dad of mine...always demanding and ordering me around to do things...as i grew older i rebelled more :D...and then i realized now...when anybody were to ask me to do something...or want me to do something...or expects me to do something...my mind will automatically generate the opposite answer of what they wanna here...heres some that comes naturally

Go jogging!...NO
Go study...NO
Eat dinner!...NO

GO do this...NO

go out with me...NO

Dont play computer...I want!

dont stay out late...I want!

I realized my mind automatically prevents me from following an order...demand...expectation...and im glad its like this.. least im a free man..and people all know freedom is my number 1 important thing...if there is one person that i can say knows me well its my mum...she knows this very well and she dun demand me to do things..instead she ask.."can you.....?" "do you mind.......?" of course sometimes she slips and demands or commands me to do something." Justin go do the laundary" that to me is a demand...as long as the request does not end with a "?"..i would automatically do the opposite...but i know she tries so sometimes i try to also just take it...

Thinking about it..i realized now im a very troublesome person...i have a lot of weird habits that people need to accept...some i can change if i want to..but this demanding thing and expectation thing...i hate and personally i see no reason to get rid of...why?..because it teaches others not to expect something from another person...everyone is a individual human creation and interactions between each other is..frankly speaking..compusory...everyone has their own assets and no one should ever expect another person to do something...of course in this society its impossible to have such an idealogy...but i think its good cuz it helps both sides...

e.g. if my mum wants me to accompany her to NTUC to but groceries (which i hate!)...she learns how to ask me nicely and give me a choice...she learns how to take no for an answer...as for me...i learn how to suck it in and understand that "yes she is my mum and she appreciates my company..so yes i would go with her." doing this..then it makes it all the more meaningful cuz im following her because im appreciative and also also a reason for me to go..and not just following her for the sake of it...see...both parties benefits...this is also why i never(or at least try not to) scold my BB boys...i want them to know that they are doing drills well not because im demanding it from them..but rather to show others that they are capable...but like i said...in this society its almost impossible and hence..i still end up asking them to do things...but habits do kick in...i realized that most of them times when im angry wtih them i ususally say "can you guys prove to me that you can do it or not?"...lookie at the sentence...its a question ^^ so hey...im not demanding or ordering them around after all :p

But i guess this habit of mine (which i dun plan to remove) will be the most challenging to me when im finding my soulmate...now seriously...which girl in the world will not demand guys do something? if you exist please appear...i'll marry you immediately!...hmm wait...maybe i'll have to marry my mum then -.- shes the closest any female ever got :P...but really...i was thinking i guess if there was a feminist girl maybe she might be like this..i mean feminist thinks that women are equal and women do not need men...so they wouldn't have to depend or demand things from men...so i guess thats close...but damn! i dun wan things to be that extreme...

oh and lookie...i just read one of my fren's status...which says "the best expression of love is time" (Gods signal again?...oh im such a christianly boy ^^)..but i think i agree...uncle terrence said that to find Gods love time is needed..i cant experience God's fullest love in just one day...and i think this is the same for love as well...how long have i known someone...1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 1 decade? how long is enough to find out if you love the person...funny...no one knows...i think my mum and dad knew each other for about 2 or 3 years before they married...and see..my mum made a big mistake :P (damn im mean) but really...how long is enough to know that he/she is the one for you? once again...i think time will tell...only time will expose a person's most inner desires...most inner characteristics...only then will you know if the person is the right one...and of course...the person must know you well also...

ok why the %&$# am i writing all these...from a video converting too this nonsense...dammit...oh wellz...since minecraft is delayed...monster hunter is on a flipping 3DS...i guess i shall entertain myself with games for now :P...pokemon! gotta catch em all...(running away from real problems in progress :P)

wow its been ages since i blogged...and for good reasons i guess...cuz i always had someone to talk my problems to and he could always listen...even though he may not be empathatic or concerned...its kinda nice to have someone to just listen to me chatter...i dunno..he's just..important...

But now his gone...i've failed badly...instead of helping him..i've made things worst for him..and now he's gone..left me...probably never gonna talk to me again...it hurts like mad...to lose a friend...been trying to cope...been trying to distract...been trying to escape...sometimes it works..sometimes it doesn't...for the most time im just floundering around...hoping my mind will think of something else...

i guess its a lost thing here...i might as well salvage the most i can...and try to go on...im lucky i have people who i can at least talk to...kor never fails to cheer me up..even though his methods sometimes irritates me :P but for the most time its nice (hope his not reading this :P) then theres Julius...who in a sense kinda taken over my lost friends position...listening to me be emo and sad and my problems...his nice too :P...then theres my secondary school frens...who also cheers me up..even though my frenship with them is also at risk..

These past few days i realized something terrible about myself...something that i wouldnt actually wanna say here...but its fair to those who are important to me to know this...even im afraid of myself now...i dunno anything about myself..im not sure about anything about myself anymore...i realized im actually a very unloyal person...it seems that i cant like only 1 person...i realized this when i was in the sad days when i just lost that friend...i was always thinking of other people who were important to me...and quite a few came up...and some of which i actually realized that i had some feelings for..i was horrrified at myself for having such thoughts...but of course JU made me feel slightly better by saying that its alright...as long as 1 at a time..haha...but i think he was mean...girls aren't like transformers toys or something...they are human and real...and guys shouldnt treat them like objects...but maybe im just thinking too much...im sure he didnt mean it that way :p

gar...i think to keep the people around me safe..i better stay single for life...i dun wanna end up hurting another person...at least i now know my weakness...its either temptation or commitment... and im a danger to others in that sense..its fair that people dun get affected by my problems...i guess its fate that i'll never get what i want...maybe somewhere in the world exist "the one" for me...maybe they are already around me...or maybe i dun even know them yet...whatever it is...i just hope life gets better from now...even though i only see it get worst and worst...