wow its been ages since i blogged...and for good reasons i guess...cuz i always had someone to talk my problems to and he could always listen...even though he may not be empathatic or concerned...its kinda nice to have someone to just listen to me chatter...i dunno..he's just..important...

But now his gone...i've failed badly...instead of helping him..i've made things worst for him..and now he's gone..left me...probably never gonna talk to me again...it hurts like mad...to lose a friend...been trying to cope...been trying to distract...been trying to escape...sometimes it works..sometimes it doesn't...for the most time im just floundering around...hoping my mind will think of something else...

i guess its a lost thing here...i might as well salvage the most i can...and try to go on...im lucky i have people who i can at least talk to...kor never fails to cheer me up..even though his methods sometimes irritates me :P but for the most time its nice (hope his not reading this :P) then theres Julius...who in a sense kinda taken over my lost friends position...listening to me be emo and sad and my problems...his nice too :P...then theres my secondary school frens...who also cheers me up..even though my frenship with them is also at risk..

These past few days i realized something terrible about myself...something that i wouldnt actually wanna say here...but its fair to those who are important to me to know this...even im afraid of myself now...i dunno anything about myself..im not sure about anything about myself anymore...i realized im actually a very unloyal person...it seems that i cant like only 1 person...i realized this when i was in the sad days when i just lost that friend...i was always thinking of other people who were important to me...and quite a few came up...and some of which i actually realized that i had some feelings for..i was horrrified at myself for having such thoughts...but of course JU made me feel slightly better by saying that its alright...as long as 1 at a time..haha...but i think he was mean...girls aren't like transformers toys or something...they are human and real...and guys shouldnt treat them like objects...but maybe im just thinking too much...im sure he didnt mean it that way :p

gar...i think to keep the people around me safe..i better stay single for life...i dun wanna end up hurting another person...at least i now know my weakness...its either temptation or commitment... and im a danger to others in that sense..its fair that people dun get affected by my problems...i guess its fate that i'll never get what i want...maybe somewhere in the world exist "the one" for me...maybe they are already around me...or maybe i dun even know them yet...whatever it is...i just hope life gets better from now...even though i only see it get worst and worst...