Been a long long while

Well not really long..but been awhile since i posted..and after last night..i think again i need to write to get my moods outta me. but with so many things tow rite..and my nasty habit of jumping all over the place..i think for once i'll be more systematic

The Alphabets- those who are important or "important" in my life but identity should be left unknown

"E"- Yea i knew this was coming...why? well cuz i was dumb enough to go for combined cell last sunday...and i saw "E", heard the voice, the smile...and it just broke me. I entered that state of silence and sadness...knowing that i once had "E" but now im alone. Worse was i found out that "E" had a crush on a new person, and that easily killed me. Does that mean i lost the waiting game, i patiently waited for "E" to come back..but now..looks like my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.  I miss the times tho...i really want "E" back in my life. I realized i cant live normally without "E" anymore.

"G"- Well lets just say...gone...kinda expected...or maybe "G" has just been busy these past few days...but we stopped talking..and there goes another person that i somewhat can openly talk to. the loss is not that big since i never actually met "G" in real life..but it still hurts to lose someone

"J"- ooo new alphabet...who could this be...well unlucky that it had to come to a point where "J" had to be "alphabetized" by me..but what to do. You abandoned me...like how "E" and "G" did...and even tho we are just regular friends, it still hurts that you decided to leave and abandon me. "J" has always been a good person..i know it even tho almost the whole world thinks otherwise...but i guess i was the victim all along. recently heard from someone that "J" has actually been backstabbing me the whole time...been a 2 faced bastard and was bad mouthing me all along. you know what...thank goodness my heart has already gotten used to the fact that you left...cuz knowing this would have pained me...but you in deep shit...cuz if im not hurt my something like this...the only other emotion left is something that you don't want to encounter...you could be the 3rd person to have to sit thru what i have in store for you...BUT...doing so would have made me as bad a person as you..and i wont...because even after finding out all this, im still willing to cling on to the friendship. When i make promises to stay loyal i do my best to keep it...like for "E" as well. So even tho half our mutual world has already given up on you, some dont even care...but i wont...however i've taken a more passive role in your life...i decided that being actively concern about you has never helped...and im human too...not a well of holiness...so im sorry..i cannot just blindly let you hurt me over and over again and you dont even know it..or maybe dont even care...but it doesnt mean i've given up on you or im not going to be here for you...you can continue to trust in your "new" friend...oh you have no idea what you got yourself into..i would warn..but like i say...a passive role in your life..i shall simply watch and adapt.

So thats about all the alphabets i have in my life now...sad.

But how about some happys...no matter how small they are...i still find that its SOOOO important that im lucky to have these.

Lets start with my class outing...i was so happy that edward and QC made it..and had some fun too. It was really a night of craziness and senseless-ness. of which all i enjoyed. I guess im lucky for one thing. i've never been too close to the girls..perhaps cuz of past conflicts between guys and girls..may have influenced me..but im lucky to have the chance to know them better...cuz it knocked some sense into me..there are ppl that care for me...and i have been so blinded to that fact..but now i see them...and here are some of them that i do not have to hide their names becuz im proud to call them friends.

ZX: heh heh new friend...who i also dont think knows i have this blog, but in a weird occurance you happen to read this..thank you too. I know i only really got to know you for 2 days maybe? but you have shown me that i was wrong to judge a person without knowing her more. You have been a great listening ear...and im lucky i didnt fall into the trap that many others managed to escape...haha kinda confusing hor :P even im confused..so ignore that. but really thank you for listening to me...and you have no idea how surprised i was that you knew abt me all along...but then again...humph :P the source wasnt exactly as expected #betrayed :P

BAMS: for always having the time to spend with each other. Nothing made me happier when we had that random dinner on thursday (with the awesome FUS ROH DAH wind). really reminded me of how long the friendship has lasted and how long more it will last. however i wont lie...even know some of these bonds are tested..thankfully these are personal fights in my heart and past that i have to graple with myself. but i intend to do the right thing.for you guys as well :)

BB: kinda weird that this is on the list, but damn who would have guessed i was once the person that tried my best to make things difficult for this CCA. But BB has been a great addition to my life. I've met interesting ppl, crazy ppl and downright funny ppl. that really is the joy pill i have in life. however now at this stage im also again in a crisis, officer or no? most of my boys have pestered me to sign on..but i have doubts...i dont want to sign for something that i do not expect. im worried things change...but i hope not. at the end of the day, the rapport and development of the boys is what i always strive to achieve, and that will always stay true.

finally the kiddos in the student care, who are the major happy pills for me. they are the reason that i can still be confident in myself. that i can feel like im somebody to someone. and that alone makes all the difference in my life. and in return, i want them to have someone that they can trust, or look up to, a mentor and friend that they can rely on. I wanna see all of them grow up to be great ppl, especially since most of them are such great ppl already.

well...thats abt it i guess...all in all...unfortunately "E" has the most impact on me...but im lucky to have pockets of joy in between to keep me going...i dunno what im going to do now,but i trust that as time goes, perhaps fate will either bring "E" back, or bring someone new to me..after all..i already have 2 person that i sorta like...one is a silly girl i knew for a long time, while another is pretty new and just caught my heart...however...until "E" is out of my head..im not going to risk their own wellbeing by getting together but having my mind on "E".

5th september...

Its finally here...one year...been so long

I guess im quite prepared also...i have a whole day worth of distractions planned just so i can get over today at least...and i know its not enough because its just gonna get worse as the days go by..but i don't have much of a choice...im still waiting...maybe a miracle will happen? but for now im just more in the mood to think back to all the happy times i had together

I miss talking to "E". After hearing about stories of other couples...i kinda wish we succeeded as well...live happily ever after...but somehow a little part of me also knew it wouldn't have happened. But i miss having you...who can listen to me..understand me, ok although sometimes you are a douche :P but still weird thing is that it never affected me...you really were special...and FUCK this post..i find having to dodge and circle around the writing a pain in the ass...im just gonna end this right here and go somewhere else to write...so for now...hopefully later i'll have a good enough distraction and be done with the day...and then continue to survive the days to come...maybe another year...maybe 8 years..or maybe just 1 more day...who knows...