Wow feeling all time low today...was lazing around my ah gongs house when it suddenly hit me...whats my future in life gonna be like?
I know myself...I may enjoy being alone...but i still need some friends...and more importantly..a partner...but even as I see myself now and think abt the future I realized that i have no hope of ever finding one. I may very well be destined to be alone.
If i conform to what is expected of me...i'll probably end up ruining the relationship...or incompatibilities...or just a relationship that is constantly at risk of breaking.
If i follow who i am...the relationship will be shallow...fake...and still be on the risk of breaking..
I've had relationships before...all ended in disaster..i had someone who cared and loved me for who i am...but i fucked up...and let my heart wander...and in the end got a taste of karma...I've had lots of people who i felt was potentials...but like i said..incompatibilities...to a whole new level. Now when i look ahead and see the future...honestly...i see no future...or at least no future with someone..i want one..but it probably will never happen...Maybe after NS...maybe during work..or maybe just stumble upon each other...but right now...all the people i ever wanted will never be possible...
I have no idea what makes me feel like this all of a sudden...maybe its becuz i was thinking of someone...or a group of someones...or maybe i just want to talk abt stuffs...or i dunno..anything..
Oh wells...as usual...maybe its just a random moment of "emo-ness" or "pussy-ness" as usual i'll just brush things aside and soon things will be normal...at least normal to me.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Imma Happy Sponge :D
I just realised an awesome way of seeing things and it involved a balloon, punching bag and a sponge :D
Well why so random? Cuz i realised that most people would do this for a friend...they would be there for them and when their friends are in trouble they will be there to take it...sometimes when their fren is angry or sad they will also be there to "absorb" the hit...but the difference come when you do the "absorbing" like a balloon, a punching bag or a sponge.
Lets start with a balloon. If you're a balloon, you will still be able to absorb it...and as you absorb you grow from it and "get bigger"...however when you're fren pour so much into you, be it anger or sadness...you take in more and more and eventually you burst from the tirade of feelings...this i feel is really dangerous and i believe theres always a "balloon" in each of us...we are humans and can only tolerate so much before we fight back.
So what if you're a punching bag? well yesh you can still take loads of hits frm your frens...but you never change...a punching bag is not gonna change much no matter how many punches you throw at it...and if you are a punching bag you are not changing..you're just a void, empty stone that is not feeling anything...you're just blindly taking the hits and not bothering to react to it...this one is similar to indifference...where yes, you're still there for your friends but you're nothing more than a stone, present beside him, but not really listening and understanding.
So to me the best (which i will try to be frm now on) is a sponge...not only does it sound cute :P you are an effective friend. A sponge is a soft thingy that is able to be manipulated...but the amazing thing is no matter how much squeezing and punching...it always returns back to the same shape...so when you're friends are sad or angry and pouring out their feelings like water...you are able to absorb it...but how come you dont burst? well cuz sponges have little holes that allow "feelings" to enter and exit. you are able to allow the feelings in but also be aware of your limits. not only that you know how to release some of these feelings away when you feel that its too much. When you're fren is angry and is "punching" you...you're able to take the hit, yes you may change form but soon you will be back to normal...always a consistent friendship...thats awesome :D
So i realized that in my life sometimes friends end up taking out their anger on me, pouring me their sadness or sharing their happiness...im lucky for such friends but what makes me happier is that im able to "absorb" their feelings appropriately :D Sometimes i do feel the strain but i realized that what i need to do is to reinforce my will of the friendship and confidence in it..and that would tide me thru and "release" the stress
Well i hope that i can follow up this methods from now im...anyway im also looking for my "spongy" friends that is able to absorb my nonsense...thankfully i do have some...but i hope is enough...this periods not gonna be easy...I gained a sponge 1 year ago around now...and lost that sponge about 4 months later...maybe im just looking for another spongy friend that is like the one i lost...but for now..im ok...i guess :P
Well why so random? Cuz i realised that most people would do this for a friend...they would be there for them and when their friends are in trouble they will be there to take it...sometimes when their fren is angry or sad they will also be there to "absorb" the hit...but the difference come when you do the "absorbing" like a balloon, a punching bag or a sponge.
Lets start with a balloon. If you're a balloon, you will still be able to absorb it...and as you absorb you grow from it and "get bigger"...however when you're fren pour so much into you, be it anger or sadness...you take in more and more and eventually you burst from the tirade of feelings...this i feel is really dangerous and i believe theres always a "balloon" in each of us...we are humans and can only tolerate so much before we fight back.
So what if you're a punching bag? well yesh you can still take loads of hits frm your frens...but you never change...a punching bag is not gonna change much no matter how many punches you throw at it...and if you are a punching bag you are not changing..you're just a void, empty stone that is not feeling anything...you're just blindly taking the hits and not bothering to react to it...this one is similar to indifference...where yes, you're still there for your friends but you're nothing more than a stone, present beside him, but not really listening and understanding.
So to me the best (which i will try to be frm now on) is a sponge...not only does it sound cute :P you are an effective friend. A sponge is a soft thingy that is able to be manipulated...but the amazing thing is no matter how much squeezing and punching...it always returns back to the same shape...so when you're friends are sad or angry and pouring out their feelings like water...you are able to absorb it...but how come you dont burst? well cuz sponges have little holes that allow "feelings" to enter and exit. you are able to allow the feelings in but also be aware of your limits. not only that you know how to release some of these feelings away when you feel that its too much. When you're fren is angry and is "punching" you...you're able to take the hit, yes you may change form but soon you will be back to normal...always a consistent friendship...thats awesome :D
So i realized that in my life sometimes friends end up taking out their anger on me, pouring me their sadness or sharing their happiness...im lucky for such friends but what makes me happier is that im able to "absorb" their feelings appropriately :D Sometimes i do feel the strain but i realized that what i need to do is to reinforce my will of the friendship and confidence in it..and that would tide me thru and "release" the stress
Well i hope that i can follow up this methods from now im...anyway im also looking for my "spongy" friends that is able to absorb my nonsense...thankfully i do have some...but i hope is enough...this periods not gonna be easy...I gained a sponge 1 year ago around now...and lost that sponge about 4 months later...maybe im just looking for another spongy friend that is like the one i lost...but for now..im ok...i guess :P
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
My life position
I now know my life and where im always supposed to be...a helper...assistance...the helpful boy who will do anything...im not meant to be a leader or do al the decision making shit...its not in my programming...just STFU...listen to instructions and follow your superiors.
I came into poly with a changed self...aside from BB...im a loyal dog in secondary school...always listening...ever helpful...just listen to what people say and just follow instructions...then when things screw up...people blame you then just take it...but it was a simple life...just follow...nothing can go wrong
then when i came to poly i thought maybe i should change that...maybe grow some backbone...and decide for myself...and voice out...but then it was hard...but slowly some people managed to pull somethings out of me...some leadership roles...some backbone..so confidence and self esteem...it was a nice feeling...that someone really meant it when she said "when i hear about those promising social worker...i think you are so capable of it" such powerful words of confidence really emboldens me...made me feel that im something rather than just a simpleton being pushed around
how wrong i was...i'll only fuck things up...make a mess...piss people off and ruin things..im not meant to take responsibility...why should I...when im a helpful person willing to do anything...people likes me...people say im nice and helpful...so why should i sacrifice that and make them angry by voicing out and disagreeing with them...is a risk...to step up..just shut up and be a good boy..listen to others and nothing goes wrong..simple
so from now on...its back to the good/bad old days...secondary school times sucks...but at least it was simple...and the privilledge i gave to my class (and the future classes) was a bad choice on my part...and wont be repeated again..
-----------------deleting leadership core-----------------
I came into poly with a changed self...aside from BB...im a loyal dog in secondary school...always listening...ever helpful...just listen to what people say and just follow instructions...then when things screw up...people blame you then just take it...but it was a simple life...just follow...nothing can go wrong
then when i came to poly i thought maybe i should change that...maybe grow some backbone...and decide for myself...and voice out...but then it was hard...but slowly some people managed to pull somethings out of me...some leadership roles...some backbone..so confidence and self esteem...it was a nice feeling...that someone really meant it when she said "when i hear about those promising social worker...i think you are so capable of it" such powerful words of confidence really emboldens me...made me feel that im something rather than just a simpleton being pushed around
how wrong i was...i'll only fuck things up...make a mess...piss people off and ruin things..im not meant to take responsibility...why should I...when im a helpful person willing to do anything...people likes me...people say im nice and helpful...so why should i sacrifice that and make them angry by voicing out and disagreeing with them...is a risk...to step up..just shut up and be a good boy..listen to others and nothing goes wrong..simple
so from now on...its back to the good/bad old days...secondary school times sucks...but at least it was simple...and the privilledge i gave to my class (and the future classes) was a bad choice on my part...and wont be repeated again..
-----------------deleting leadership core-----------------
-----------------redeploying follower code---------------
The old(not probably better) justin is back...im sorry to those that i may have disappointed your hopes for me...i disappoint myself as well :'(
Thursday, April 5, 2012
GOD IM TIRED!
Went to USS yesterday with my sec school frens and had lots and lots of fun...then i went to my poly frens house for a sleep over which we played games and had another lots of fun...now im at home and falling asleep at random times and everywhere...that's quite fun too :D..but goods things comes to an end...tmr is good friday.
1 year ago...during this period...i was attached to a really nice girl. she was a simple girl and we were close back then...but i made a mistake..my heart wandered...and went to someone else...someone who at that time made me feel safe and accepted...my heart was conflicting with both of them, they were both important, but becuz the second one was much more like me..i naturally gravitated towards that person...big big mistake.
On good friday night i gave in...i could not resist temptations, or the person as well and gave in to something that made me regret. it sort of sealed the deal, and after that, i actually felt closer to the person, but i know i made a mistake back then already. As the weeks and months gone by things got worse and out of hand. people were against us and pressure from all around, until finally the person gave up, and left me. gone were the facebook, messages and all forms of contact. I lost the relationship, but more importantly i lost a friend that i could connect with. I still miss the person, the little cheeky comments, talking, sharing, crying, hugging...but its all over. But what makes me disappointed was what that person did. That person not only left me, but placed all the blames of the problem on me. When i found out I felt so betrayed. Already i have problems trusting people to a point where i called them friends. that person was the rare few...and after what that person did i once again lost trust in friends. How ever im thankful i still had some whom i could trust...i hope...
On good friday night i gave in...i could not resist temptations, or the person as well and gave in to something that made me regret. it sort of sealed the deal, and after that, i actually felt closer to the person, but i know i made a mistake back then already. As the weeks and months gone by things got worse and out of hand. people were against us and pressure from all around, until finally the person gave up, and left me. gone were the facebook, messages and all forms of contact. I lost the relationship, but more importantly i lost a friend that i could connect with. I still miss the person, the little cheeky comments, talking, sharing, crying, hugging...but its all over. But what makes me disappointed was what that person did. That person not only left me, but placed all the blames of the problem on me. When i found out I felt so betrayed. Already i have problems trusting people to a point where i called them friends. that person was the rare few...and after what that person did i once again lost trust in friends. How ever im thankful i still had some whom i could trust...i hope...
well theres the story, thats why i never looked forward to good friday or easter...not becuz im against my own religion, but rather the memories i have attached to that day. 1 year now...and probably many more to go...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Damn
Damn...seriously damn
I dunno why I'm still so attached to this person...could he really be hating me? but for what? I've never done anything wrong to him...I've been loyal and trustworthy...was it a misunderstanding? why am i so clueless about things...i don't get it...I hate being left in the dark...and now my heart is tugging me again. Perhaps you hate me for not bringing you down another path...but i wanted you to be happy...is it wrong? or maybe some other fucktard is influencing your thoughts and impression of me...then why do you allow it? i just dont get it...
I dunno why I'm still so attached to this person...could he really be hating me? but for what? I've never done anything wrong to him...I've been loyal and trustworthy...was it a misunderstanding? why am i so clueless about things...i don't get it...I hate being left in the dark...and now my heart is tugging me again. Perhaps you hate me for not bringing you down another path...but i wanted you to be happy...is it wrong? or maybe some other fucktard is influencing your thoughts and impression of me...then why do you allow it? i just dont get it...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Church postings :D
Ooo lookie me got blogger on my phone...which means I can blog from anywhere..maybe this will make me more regular in blogging :P
Anyway I'm in church now...yea no joke...blogging during sermons :D not really interested in the lies they feel me anymore...but still...I guess for the sake of some of the people here I'll still keep things open and listen...but not too attentively ;)
So anyway was getting bored so decided to write about my gaming team...BAMS...the whole team is with me now anyway..Basthovian Is hakim...Astroprime is me..Munchi12 is Alex and Stargazer is Edwin
We been playing co op games for quite awhile and I realized out team work is flawed but beautiful...we all have oit weaknesses but the strength of our teamwork is so strong that it surprises me
Let's start with basthovian...our leader...the smartest one of us all cuz he seems to know everything...he's always leading us forward and helping us at most areas
Next is astroprime..me...I'm mainly doing most of the jobs that are neccessary...in games I'm the assault kinda player and in co op games in usually the mid range attacker
Coming up is Munchi...Alex is the joker of the group and sometimes messes things up..to our joy cux we get to laugh about it..most of the laughs comes from seeing Alex panic or running away
And finally we have stargazer...Edwin is kinda like a jack of all trades...doing what is needed and also like Alex....messing things up sometimes...I still rmb him burning me with lava in minecraft accidentally...after that incident we never left anything flammable with him again :P
So some of the games we play are battlefield 2142...the ultimate test of our teamwork..we also play minecraft for just some good old fun and adventure...we also play borderlands..our latest addition to our game list which test out co op on so many levels..these are just some games that we particular love
I guess it's thanks to them that I'm able to experience strong friendships...after all they were the first that I consider among my close friends...6 years now...and hopefully always counting :D
Anyway I'm in church now...yea no joke...blogging during sermons :D not really interested in the lies they feel me anymore...but still...I guess for the sake of some of the people here I'll still keep things open and listen...but not too attentively ;)
So anyway was getting bored so decided to write about my gaming team...BAMS...the whole team is with me now anyway..Basthovian Is hakim...Astroprime is me..Munchi12 is Alex and Stargazer is Edwin
We been playing co op games for quite awhile and I realized out team work is flawed but beautiful...we all have oit weaknesses but the strength of our teamwork is so strong that it surprises me
Let's start with basthovian...our leader...the smartest one of us all cuz he seems to know everything...he's always leading us forward and helping us at most areas
Next is astroprime..me...I'm mainly doing most of the jobs that are neccessary...in games I'm the assault kinda player and in co op games in usually the mid range attacker
Coming up is Munchi...Alex is the joker of the group and sometimes messes things up..to our joy cux we get to laugh about it..most of the laughs comes from seeing Alex panic or running away
And finally we have stargazer...Edwin is kinda like a jack of all trades...doing what is needed and also like Alex....messing things up sometimes...I still rmb him burning me with lava in minecraft accidentally...after that incident we never left anything flammable with him again :P
So some of the games we play are battlefield 2142...the ultimate test of our teamwork..we also play minecraft for just some good old fun and adventure...we also play borderlands..our latest addition to our game list which test out co op on so many levels..these are just some games that we particular love
I guess it's thanks to them that I'm able to experience strong friendships...after all they were the first that I consider among my close friends...6 years now...and hopefully always counting :D
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