Omg imback

Omg I'm back blogging...anyway I'm now at church laughing like mad cux the pastor is so unique and interesting...he should be permanent here but too bad his a guest..he really knows how to think critically...oh wells

Anyway life's been weird...and I'm hoping it will be improving soon...still unsure and uncertain...but let's see how..

its late at night now...took a break from video editting cuz my compressor is giving problems and using windows live movie maker sucks :(

Anyway went for Christian Basics and i guess you could say that i was...enlightened? i find myself being convinced slowly about this God stuff...dunno if i still subscribe to it...but hey...times like times like this..no harm trying

Another thing..i realized i've developed some sort of mechanisms against demands...definitely a product of 18 years of living with the tyrannous Dad of mine...always demanding and ordering me around to do things...as i grew older i rebelled more :D...and then i realized now...when anybody were to ask me to do something...or want me to do something...or expects me to do something...my mind will automatically generate the opposite answer of what they wanna here...heres some that comes naturally

Go jogging!...NO
Go study...NO
Eat dinner!...NO

GO do this...NO

go out with me...NO

Dont play computer...I want!

dont stay out late...I want!

I realized my mind automatically prevents me from following an order...demand...expectation...and im glad its like this.. least im a free man..and people all know freedom is my number 1 important thing...if there is one person that i can say knows me well its my mum...she knows this very well and she dun demand me to do things..instead she ask.."can you.....?" "do you mind.......?" of course sometimes she slips and demands or commands me to do something." Justin go do the laundary" that to me is a demand...as long as the request does not end with a "?"..i would automatically do the opposite...but i know she tries so sometimes i try to also just take it...

Thinking about it..i realized now im a very troublesome person...i have a lot of weird habits that people need to accept...some i can change if i want to..but this demanding thing and expectation thing...i hate and personally i see no reason to get rid of...why?..because it teaches others not to expect something from another person...everyone is a individual human creation and interactions between each other is..frankly speaking..compusory...everyone has their own assets and no one should ever expect another person to do something...of course in this society its impossible to have such an idealogy...but i think its good cuz it helps both sides...

e.g. if my mum wants me to accompany her to NTUC to but groceries (which i hate!)...she learns how to ask me nicely and give me a choice...she learns how to take no for an answer...as for me...i learn how to suck it in and understand that "yes she is my mum and she appreciates my company..so yes i would go with her." doing this..then it makes it all the more meaningful cuz im following her because im appreciative and also also a reason for me to go..and not just following her for the sake of it...see...both parties benefits...this is also why i never(or at least try not to) scold my BB boys...i want them to know that they are doing drills well not because im demanding it from them..but rather to show others that they are capable...but like i said...in this society its almost impossible and hence..i still end up asking them to do things...but habits do kick in...i realized that most of them times when im angry wtih them i ususally say "can you guys prove to me that you can do it or not?"...lookie at the sentence...its a question ^^ so hey...im not demanding or ordering them around after all :p

But i guess this habit of mine (which i dun plan to remove) will be the most challenging to me when im finding my soulmate...now seriously...which girl in the world will not demand guys do something? if you exist please appear...i'll marry you immediately!...hmm wait...maybe i'll have to marry my mum then -.- shes the closest any female ever got :P...but really...i was thinking i guess if there was a feminist girl maybe she might be like this..i mean feminist thinks that women are equal and women do not need men...so they wouldn't have to depend or demand things from men...so i guess thats close...but damn! i dun wan things to be that extreme...

oh and lookie...i just read one of my fren's status...which says "the best expression of love is time" (Gods signal again?...oh im such a christianly boy ^^)..but i think i agree...uncle terrence said that to find Gods love time is needed..i cant experience God's fullest love in just one day...and i think this is the same for love as well...how long have i known someone...1 week? 1 month? 1 year? 1 decade? how long is enough to find out if you love the person...funny...no one knows...i think my mum and dad knew each other for about 2 or 3 years before they married...and see..my mum made a big mistake :P (damn im mean) but really...how long is enough to know that he/she is the one for you? once again...i think time will tell...only time will expose a person's most inner desires...most inner characteristics...only then will you know if the person is the right one...and of course...the person must know you well also...

ok why the %&$# am i writing all these...from a video converting too this nonsense...dammit...oh wellz...since minecraft is delayed...monster hunter is on a flipping 3DS...i guess i shall entertain myself with games for now :P...pokemon! gotta catch em all...(running away from real problems in progress :P)

wow its been ages since i blogged...and for good reasons i guess...cuz i always had someone to talk my problems to and he could always listen...even though he may not be empathatic or concerned...its kinda nice to have someone to just listen to me chatter...i dunno..he's just..important...

But now his gone...i've failed badly...instead of helping him..i've made things worst for him..and now he's gone..left me...probably never gonna talk to me again...it hurts like mad...to lose a friend...been trying to cope...been trying to distract...been trying to escape...sometimes it works..sometimes it doesn't...for the most time im just floundering around...hoping my mind will think of something else...

i guess its a lost thing here...i might as well salvage the most i can...and try to go on...im lucky i have people who i can at least talk to...kor never fails to cheer me up..even though his methods sometimes irritates me :P but for the most time its nice (hope his not reading this :P) then theres Julius...who in a sense kinda taken over my lost friends position...listening to me be emo and sad and my problems...his nice too :P...then theres my secondary school frens...who also cheers me up..even though my frenship with them is also at risk..

These past few days i realized something terrible about myself...something that i wouldnt actually wanna say here...but its fair to those who are important to me to know this...even im afraid of myself now...i dunno anything about myself..im not sure about anything about myself anymore...i realized im actually a very unloyal person...it seems that i cant like only 1 person...i realized this when i was in the sad days when i just lost that friend...i was always thinking of other people who were important to me...and quite a few came up...and some of which i actually realized that i had some feelings for..i was horrrified at myself for having such thoughts...but of course JU made me feel slightly better by saying that its alright...as long as 1 at a time..haha...but i think he was mean...girls aren't like transformers toys or something...they are human and real...and guys shouldnt treat them like objects...but maybe im just thinking too much...im sure he didnt mean it that way :p

gar...i think to keep the people around me safe..i better stay single for life...i dun wanna end up hurting another person...at least i now know my weakness...its either temptation or commitment... and im a danger to others in that sense..its fair that people dun get affected by my problems...i guess its fate that i'll never get what i want...maybe somewhere in the world exist "the one" for me...maybe they are already around me...or maybe i dun even know them yet...whatever it is...i just hope life gets better from now...even though i only see it get worst and worst...

Why...why did things have to be like this...i thought it was going so well..but yet this happened..and im not sure if its ever gonna get better...my wishes to be happier is almost gone now...im gonna slap on a mask from now on...im not gonna let the people around me be affected..cuz for this one im alone in it...for some reason i need a shoulder to cry on...someone who i can talk about all this to..and that someone is probably angry with me now...and possibly hating me as well...

I know there are a lot of other people who cares...but im sorry...nows not the time...im probably gonna ignore messages or call...unless im feeling ok...its not that im angry with anyone...im just...not in a state...im most truthful and transparent online or during calls and sms...but now..not even those channels will make me be transparent...

I wish there was someone that knew me...that could be with me...that i could talk to...i had that opportunity to have such a person...but only a few months...because of my mistake this poor person is paying the price...so am i...

life sucks

sighs...i realized how lousy i am...im losing my social skills...losing my friends...people probably dun like to be around me...maybe thats why sometimes people play games without me...or they go out without inviting me...perhaps im really not nice to be around me.

you know...i realized minecraft is such a great game...you are alone in a world...all yours to build...you can do anything you wan...at most perhaps you could tame a wolf and then that can be your friend...but other than that you're the only human around...its so peaceful..

or perhaps fallout...alone in a desolete world...fighting for survival...meeting people and trying to be friends...or perhaps just shoot them in the back...but at least you're in control of your own life...not another person in control of you...

or maybe Borderlands...yet another desolete world...but with people who wants to be your friends...once again...you are in control...no one else is controling your life

and why not oblivion...a fantasy world...so different from this world we live in...fantasy worlds are so much more beautiful...so much more peaceful...even though there may be evil there...but you can pick up a sword and fight evil..or just settlle down and farm...so much possibilities

sighs...why cant i be in any of those places...anywhere but here...where i have to be obligated to others...where others try to control my life...where i have to always make sure others are happy...and the worst part...i never felt more alone...this world made me feel more alone than any other game...and yet its such a bad thing...cuz i found great people here...found people worth making frens with...but then...there are just ass holes in the world that makes me wanna escape to another place...to live another life...in another world...

FU

You know...i remember reading someone else facebook status saying "a man who takes out his anger on his wife is no father of mine" yes it is true...that bastard may be my father by name but not by heart...

Heres the full story...as usual i was at home alone...minding my own business...at peace with everything...then kor kor called me to discuss project so we were talking on the phone...then then bastard came home...i heard him but i couldnt care less cuz the project was getting irritating...then he came in to the room holding his fish worm food and looking like an ass hole...he mumbled something but i was talking on the phone so he just stood there and looked at me like a turd he is...so i told kor to wait while i found out what the hell he wanted...he told me that the fridge was spoilt and started saying that its becuz i never close properly and it spoilt....so i "orh" him and went back to work...im more concerned about my project that his unjustified accusations that he is so prone of doing. so he left the room and started mumbling about me using too much computer...yea...typical woosie.

so then my mum came home and then i heard him complaining about the fridge and me using too much com...at that point i lost all concentration on project cuz im worried...i hate it when he takes the problem to my mum cuz he will accuse her for not doing anything but actually she did...she does things in a better and nicer way that that bastard and thats why we (me and bro) loves her more and tells her more things. the bastard felt like he was a bad person so he always accuse my mum for letting him be a bad person..well simply put...you are a bad person becuz you cant fucking speak in a peaceful manner in front of others...you cant put your message thru without having to raise your voice just cuz you think its more powerful that way...i spit in response to that...but already did that before so no point.

so of course after settling the project hastily i went to confront him...i made it clear to him that any problem i cause him he should come directly to me and not my mum...i dun wan my mum to be responsible for my actions...so i told that to him...then to be nice i asked him what he wanted from me...then he launched into a lengthy nag about all the things he wants...me go uni..me get results...me use less com..me spend more time outside watching tv rather than in the room...the electric bills...me and my bro sleeping early...just to name a few...all this time i was ignoring...cuz i know him well...i could simplify everything for him...but i did not at that point cuz i was overwhelmed at the fact that he never cared about me or my well being...all he cared about was the results...so i left the room in a huff and also a little bit of tears in my eye.

i went to my room...switch off the light and com..since he wan to save electricity and me use less com...and then i just broke down and cried...i couldnt take it...i always had to score good results even though im not the study type..i try my best..sometimes it pays off..sometimes it doesnt...but he expects me to always get good results...and i regret scoring well for year 1...cuz now i set myself a target that i probably cant maintain...im sick of having to worry about results cuz there are things like exams...

so i was crying there...i heard my bro come home but i didnt care...then i heard the bastard came out of one of the rooms...i heard him shouting at my mum about him always being the bad guy..then he went to the room and slammed the door...right then and there...something took over me...i stopped crying immediately...i wanted him dead...cold stone dead...i wanted him to die...i wanted him out of my life...thats was the anger i felt...becuz even after i told him not to take it out on my mum...that shit eating, dog raping, filthy, cunt faced, dickhead of an asshole still did it...anger and rage took over me...but i tried to calm down...changed the murderous side to the feeling of wanting to be alone instead...to calm myself first...then i went into the room and confronted him again...i still had anger...i gave him the murderous stare that my whole family knew i could give..a stare that silenced many kids and scared many friends...i gave that to him...and confronted him why did he still scold my mum...i knew then and there he panicked...cuz he did not shout back..he did not look at me..he just said "i never scold her..i only say her" (direct translation from chinese)...then i said that wasnt saying cuz he shouted and slammed the door...i know he scolded...and he knew that too..cuz then he just started ignoring me...i asked him once again what he wanted from me...cuz it seems like he got lots of problem with me..so i wanted to know...once again he launched into his fucked up nagging about what he wanted...his story about him not earning more money...accused me of comparing him with other richer parents (like a give a fuck) and so on...all this time i talked in a calm and polite voice...but that ass just shouted or raise his voice...

first of all i acknowledge his stress...its not easy for him cuz he's a contract worker and can lose his job anytime..he's the main provider as well...and both son's are still studying..jaymond's gonna go to tertiary soon and its gonna put more stress on him...all these i can understand...what i hate about him is he drags my mum into it with his scolding...if my mum wants to be involve she has her own way to do it...and bloody hell is it a better way that his...my mum cares for us..and she has her way of doing so...that bastard maybe cares for us...but the way he does things never goes...and from the way he speaks...he doesnt really give a damn about my well being..i told him that i was stressed...i told him that i might not live up to his expectation...does he care...nope..he simply shruggs it off and than continue his speech about how i need good grades and all...his speech took like bloody 20-30 minutes...and all those time i was just hearing...not listening...cuz i knew what was coming...i knew ultimately what he wanted...he doesn't care about how i feel...all he wants is me to be the person HE wants me to be...and just to check if im right...i asked him "ok so simply put, you want me to use less computer right?" fucker said "YA" so proudly like as if he got his message thru...why thank you...thank you for caring only about the computer....thank you for caring only about my results...he wants me to talk to the family more?...well do they know why im on the com...cuz im talking to my friends who does a bloody hell better job understanding me than that filthy piece of crap. I have friends and lecturers who cares more about me than my own father...do you know how sucky that is?

you know...after writing all this...i ask myself "why the hell do i care?" currently all i need him to do is earn the money...i probably wont cry during his funeral...i mean i wont be happy either...but i wont grief the loss...probably now..too early to say...maybe i do still care for him...but for now...he is my father by title...but not by heart.

P.S. any of my mum's friends reading this..please do not let my mum know about this post...she will get all upset that other people know about it...she doesnt have a facebook so she wouldnt know about his blog or be redirected here...she is stressed enough as it is...this post is like a rant but also to show that sometimes...seeing me happy is just one great BIG mask i have to put on...becuz i dun wan the people around me to be sad...but i also dun want to lie to these people that cares for me...so heres what happens behind closed doors...im confident that only those who cared about me would have clicked that link on facebook...so thank you whoever is reading this for being in my life :)

Whoa i cant believe wad i just did...anyway screw the readme design..i got no patience for it

ok so well...stressed as usual...nothing much changed..im still pissed...my mood is in control...affecting people around me...so i decided to post here...perhaps as clarifying...and also future warning

so yea...things havent been stable at all...been really stressed out with another friend..but not his fault really...and im slowly losing my social skills...i found out that i no longer liked to talk verbally to people...and that im so cautious over talking to them...i put on a mask immediately when im in front of others...so that my proper mood will not affect them...i dun wanna be sad and "emo" and cause people around me to feel it..so best is to be happy..laugh along...smile a lot and hope people will accept it...but damn..not easy when yu have a kor kor that can see thru you so easily...was in school and was masking by being happy and chatting...then kor looked at me and immediately said "your mask today very thick yes please" :P...oh well..i tried...

and also...confession time...some of the calls from people i have been deliberatly ignoring...not because i hate them...but becuz it just so happen that they call at a time that i wanna be alone...and this times are usually plentiful...i love the idea of isolation...no one to disturb me..im not responsible for anyone..no one is responsible for me...its good...so please...its not that i hate you all...its just that at this point..there are only some people that i really wanna tlak to..but that doesn't mean i like them more than the rest of you

and finally...just happened few minutes ago...talk about experiential learning...*prays people will not start calling the moment they see this*...i just cut myself...just a small one i swear! see if i can lie my way thru till it heals..in the mean time...Justin fell and cut his wrist :P

ReadMe 8
Version 2001.6.19

Back from HK...enjoyed myself there...kinda wished i could stay there though...

So just to summarise the whole thing...basically on monday we flew off to HK and landed around 1 plus i think...the plane ride was enjoyable...but the landing was bumpy...we arrived and met our tour guide...called BOBO...really funny lady and really nice...so we had lunch first and it was ok i guess...after that we started to visit some famous places in HK..namely ladies market...victoria peak and symphony of lights...was ok and quite basic i guess...nothing much...then we checked into our hotel...now that was cool cuz it had a bathtub and i was soaking myself there...peace :D

So the next day...tuesday...we visited 3 of the university in HK...quite interesting...to learn about how they learn social work...they can even advocate openly...something singapore will never allow...wow...no wonder social work there is so solid. Oh and we had to wear blazers and boy that was terrible..cuz the weather there was crappy and hot..like singapore...so of course i was perspiring like a mad man...so after the visits we went back to the hotel and then we decided to go roaming around HK...so we were exploring the area around our hotel and found a place that sells transformers...obviously i went crazy there...then we took a taxi to harborcity mall...and there i found heaven...in the form of toys r us..haha..the transformers there were awesome..it was like 20% cheaper than singapore...and also there were tons of it there...i was stuck there so long to the point that nicholas and teddy had to lie to me about having to meet jocelyn so that i would make my purchases and leave the place...rawr! so after that we went to search for dinner and we found a place that sold fresh and cheap sashimi...damn lots of money was spent there :P

So the next day we visited st james settlement...which was a social work agency there...we met the in charge called josephine and she was such an inspiring speaker...so after that we went out to ladies market again...this time to go shopping around and we tried the roast goose there...it was awesome...nick and ted always ordered pidgeon...but i ate a bit and was sick cuz i felt so sad for the poor pidgeon :P

Then on thursday...we went to visit the various sectors of caritas..another social work agency..it was interesting and we ended at caritas college...there we met fellow people who were also studying a similar level of social work as us..it was really fun there and i wished we could have stayed longer...haha...but of course after the visit the whole class went crazy cuz that was the last official study visit...which means its fun time!!!...on the bus back we were just talking nonsense and laughing like mad...when the bus went down a slope...we were so crazy and random that all of us went "WHEEEEEE" for no reason at all..haha! :D so when we got back to the hotel me ted and nick went our seperate ways...teddy went out with his parents while nick went out with some of the girls...for we i continued to explore the area around the hotel alone...so fun to be alone in a place i was not familiar in...was exciting..i tried macdonalds there...mcspicy...it sucks...simple as that. :P then i went to get a transformer at one of the malls..when i got out i realized it was raining and i did not bring my umbrella...damn..so crazy old me went ahead and ran in the rain all the way back to the hotel..so i was drenched there and took a nice warm bath :D

so on friday...we went to disneyland...was kinda magical there...was quite boring actually cuz i wasn't a very disney person...but i still enjoyed myself there...there was only one rollercoaster there...the space mountain...my frens and i spammed the coaster 4 times till i had a headache :P...at night we watched the fireworks...what a beauty :,)

then on saturday...it was going home time...but before that we went to the factory outlet mall to do last minute shopping...no transformers there...damn -.-...we head to the hotel and said goodbye to BOBO...then boarded the A380!!!...haha...A380s i think is really overated...it felt the same as the normal sq that we came in...so not much different i guess...but still..it was fun...haha...and both take off and landing was bumpy and rocky...with turbulence during the journey..so damn fun :D

yeap so thats about all i guess...theres more but im lazy to type it all...or i forgot :P...but the thing i realized there is that i felt better about myself..if a werid way...jocelyn's family was there which meant both her kids were there too...daryl and cheryl...i was playing with them throughout the whole journey...haha...cheryl was really shy but slowly she opened up to me...that made me feel good cuz cheryl was really young...and i remmebered loads of people telling me that really young kids naturally know if someone means harm to them or are nice to them...and to me...im sick of people doubting me and thinking im a bad person...but i know cheryl did not see me as that and that made me feel much better :P

oh well...so now back in s'pore...and got into more crap which i did not want...and was out of my control...so i guess its back to life once again...

I guess things just had to be this way

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ReadMe:7

Version:2011.5.25

I wont be the same again...im sorry...for those around me...i might not be able to be myself for sometimes...sorry if it will affect you people

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Well i guess things had to turn out like this...i've tried my best...but there are somethings that are just out of my control...somethings that are decisions of others that i cant control...and they have made their choice...and even though it is not the worst choice...its will still result in me slowly being tortured by the fact...so i also have made my decision...and that is to wrench myself away from this...so that i take the full hurt at once..rather than slowly...

i guess things actually can be quite good...i mean im still allowed to meet these frens...and to talk to them...but that one decision...will slowly make our frenship go down...and it will slowly tear us apart...and i would rather end this frenship at one shot...rather than end it slowly...im not sure if its the right choice...and i know its not fair for you guys as well...that you had no say in this...but i know myself...and i know that the situation now...theres too much animosity for our friendship...

Im gonna clear up the mess i've made...that i will...but then after that...im unsure...but i'll probably leave church...it took me 17 years to make the decision to follow christ...but all it took was a few people to make me doubt...and it wasn't even you guys who cause it...thats why its unfair...but thats how things are...i'll see how things turn out..but in church...i never felt is as a home...everywhere i look people seem so cold to me...i feel like i dun belong there...and perhaps i dun...im not sure about this...but there will be a high chance that i'll be leaving the place...as for leaving christianity...we'll see how things go...

its hard for me to make this decision...and even now im tearing about the loss of you friends...and its not your fault at all..its my decision...but i have my reasons...all these may change in future...who knows...but as of now...thats how things are...its better to feel one huge hurt...rather than to be hurt slowly overtime...trust me...it hurts to do this...i feel the pain in my heart literally right now :( i still have this small shimmer of hope for things...but its fading...slowly....

Life is never easy...

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ReadMe 6
Version: 2011.5.19

Confused
and still confused

Guilty

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Sigh...things just really isnt going the way i want it to be is it?...i wan you to be happy...but that will make another party sad...i also want the other party to be happy...but i know that would make you sad...i search my heart...to see where it belongs...but what i saw was a heart that was split...and both party will not be happy to have only half...but have they ever thought...to have a heart split into half...who is the one that is hurt the most?...Me...every night i ask myself how fair is it to be like this...to only share half of me with each of you...but how can i control?...this is something i cant control...i would love to be able to control it...but both of you know better that such things cant be controlled...either way..one have to be hurt...and frankly speaking...i already made the decision...there is only one person that occupied my mind...one person that i had even thought of spending my life with...and that is my choice...but i cant bring myself to tell the other party...of fear that i would hurt that person...and lose a friend...so all im doing now is buying time...and lying to that person...

I am confident...the correct choice is reading this post right now...yes you...i know you're reading it now :) dun worry...i told you before that my heart is with you and i intend to keep that promise...give me some time...stay confident...cuz im very sure you are reading this post right now :)..and the other party doesn't read my blog one...im still trying to settle this...and frankly speaking...its not going well...so far both party are still neutral...but im the one with the most pain and confusion...i know i need to handle this...but its not easy with so many things...people dun trust me...thinking that i might be some worthless and useless person...and perhaps i really am...who knows...i dun even know myself right now...and now reading my own post...i realized that this post is seriously just me pouring out all my fear...sadness...distress and confusion...seeing how cluttered my thoughts are...but dun worry :D...nothing has changed since the last time we talked :D and just to triple confirm that you really are my right choice...6 more days ;)

To confused to think of a phrase

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ReadMe 5
Version: 2011.5.8

Confused
Irritated
Lost
Stressed
Annoyed
Sad

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Sigh...need to release some feelings here...been confused so much...

Have to think about others and how to ensure that they are happy...but i dunno why...im always trying to give in to others and their request...but no one seem to do the same for me...maybe its becuz i dun say it out...but i know that i naturally want to satisfy others but sometimes it hurts to know that the same is not done for me....on the other hand...people who try to satisfy me go to such extreme...to the point that i felt disappointed with myself...so in the end im still in sadness...im so sick of this...

I really dunno how to handle this anymore...im trying to settle things one by one but thats not going well too...why must my life be so damn complicated...i wish for a simple life...but i cant i guess....maybe its fate that i'll have to go thru this as a lesson or maybe a form of learning...but sometimes its a little too hard...

I dunno..im still hoping that things will smoothen out...and nothing more complicated happens...and by the way...I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO! :(

Past few months been rocky

Phrase of this post: worry about the future, for it affects your actions in the present

Basically its more or less about thinking about your future...becuz if you think about the consequences in future..it will help you make a better choice now...most of the time at least :P

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ReadMe 4
Version: 2011.5.3

Changelog:
Been through quite a bit
School is getting tedious (not good)
Getting stressed
But also got love <3

Been really long since i last posted eh...but good also...those who still read are probably those who cared for me...hee hee..nah just kidding...but still...lifes been kinda rough...got ups and downs so far...so im gonna try and condense about 2 months of info into this post.

So schools reopen and its back to school...well not really enthu about it cuz the modules we are learning this semester is kinda boring...but before i bore you people...lets talk about the more fun thing first...the year 1 orientation :D...so our class made a separate orientation for our juniors and it was a blast!...had so much fun.its was actually quite the typical orientation kinda stuff...games...time to bond...things like that...but what made it special was that everyone was so into it and really making the most ouut of the orientation...its was great to see our effort pay off in the smiles of the year 1s

But of course...good things must end and its back to school...Boooooo! so this sem we are learning things like, working with special needs, working with older adults, program planning, crisis intervention, research methods and marketing...seriously..this line up is terrible...none of them is something im interested in..so obviously i have no motivation to study...and to seal this parcel of Sh*t...we have the GSM which is entrepreneurship to seal the deal -.-...terrible...so of course the whole class was mad with the GSM and there were lots of swearing and cursing...but what to do..we're under the poly law -.- but we have a new lecturer and she is a pretty nice lady...looking forward to getting to know her more :P

but during the course of study..i finally confessed to her...again :P...haha..for those who dun know...too bad...but if you're close enough to me..then you will know...:P...im so happy she agreed abt we're together now..im really unsure about the future ahead and how things will turn out...but still...hope everything is fine and our love will stay strong <3

thats actually about all...eh...2 months only but my life still not quite happening lei...actually got lots more to say but lazy to type :P...haha...but once again...i felt like writing an appreciation section cuz these people in my life means a lot to me...not including my family of course...and in no order of merits :P i just felt a need for this becuz i never had real friends in my life before...im the loner kind of guy and it was mostly becuz of my secondary school life...but im glad for these people who are in my life now to show me the brighter side of life :D

1)korkor: who has always been there for me and must tahan thru all my tedious-ness...always making me laugh at the thousands of monkey faces he can make...and just being an awesome friend :D

2)Darling<3 : for not giving up on me and holding on to me...and giving me another chance and being part of my life...i hope that this will withstand the test of time and everything else that life throws at us :D

3)Haka, alex, edwin: for being my loyal friends and always exploring obscure corners of gaming with me...and all the adventures we had in minecraft, monster hunter, patapon, battlefield and probably many more :D

4) peggy..for being part of my trustees and also offering guidance and advice to me...and bring laughs to my life. for being one of those who guided me to God and always being a great friend :D

5)Edward: for being a great big reflective mirror to me...and giving me a chance to explore more about myself as much as you are exploring more about yourself :D

6)My fellow social scientist: for just being the most awesome class i ever had :D

7)Julius: for being my hunting partner and also my "shifu" in the aspect of love...haha :P

8)my lecturers : for being an awesome mentor and inspiring people to me that i can respect :D showing me the side of life that i want to pursue and always motivating me to carry on studying :D

Well theres more i guess...but these are those that stood out the most during this past 2 months...thanks for being there for me and being part of my life :D

Such an awesome day i had!!!

Phrase: damn you need good frens in life :D

Haha...self explanatory :D

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ReadMe: 3

Version: 2011.3.2

Changelog:

Super happy :D

Reinforce my friendship with those whom i treasure :D

Whoa...what an awesome day together...but first...thanks to all who wished me happy birthday...be it from facebook...sms...telepathy:p..whichever..thanks you :D

So today was one of the first and only (if im not wrong) birthday in which i voluntarily went out to celebrate. Started of with CJ inviting me to go out and go with her to harborfront to pass her fren soemthing...then we celebrate my birthday...at first wanted to ask kor kor oso..but he said he had driving and could not come...was hoping i could celebrate with all my poly class mates...or at least my trustees...

So then i went out and me and CJ went to vivo city...her fren was late so we bought sushi...i got meself salmon sashimi :P...CJ said her fren reached and told me to wait and eat while she go meet her fren...so i was sitting there alone and gobbling up my food :P...then i got a message from CJ...lazy to write the whole thing...but basically it was painting a pretty interesting story about me being Justin Prime and having to go on a Quest to save the world :D...was quite puzzled :P...so the message said that i had to look for an overhead bridge to harborfront...and being the turtle i am..i was lost :P...so in desperation..i called edwin (secondary school close fren...still close now :D ) cuz i know he works at sentosa and always go to vivo...so i asked him for directions...and he guided me all the way to the bridge and waved to me form afar...during the journey there i was oso telling him about how "those little monkeys left me to find my way"...but when i reached edwin...he gave me the cheeky smile and said that he was one of those monkeys :P...

At that point i was so shocked...i never expected edwin to be involved cuz he was my secondary school fren and haven't really met my poly frens...i was super puzzled then...so edwin gave me a quest card...saying that i had to answer all the monster hunter questions on it...and if i get one wrong i had to shout out loud "I love monster hunter!"...im proud of myself that i could answer some of those questions cuz they really were difficult...but i failed 3 questions so i had to shout 3 times :P...after that edwin passed me the next clue and rushed off.

Next clue told me to go to skypark so i hurried there...and found CJ sitting there...so she passed me the quest card..which was to take 10 "act cute" picture with 10 random people...my goodness was that the hardest..after what seems like 20-30 minutes of finding and thickening my skin..finally got those 10 and moved on.

Next i had to decipher an alphabetical equations...and since yours truly stinks at maths...i never solved it so CJ had to give me clues :p..i was supposed to head to suntec city food republic for luch so we went over...i ordered chicken rice and CJ passed me a warning card...which was that i had to eat the chicken rice only with toothpicks...can use as many as i want...so after getting the technique right i got everything down :D...she passed me the next clue which was to head to the fountain of wealth.

Once there we met Peggy...my poly trustee oso...her challenge was that i had to go around the fountain searching for puzzle bags and solving the puzzle...any missing piece i had to run one round around the fountain...turns out i had 4 missing pieces but peggy was merciful...she made me wave to a random uncle eating an apple but uncle never see :P...but still counted :D...then after that she called someone and that someone told me the next clue...i did not recognize the voice at all :P

So after a short break...we headed off to singapore river..peggy couldn't join us cuz she said she had to go to church...so after a super long walk...finally reached the "longkang" and i was supposed to search for a chicken statue...i was hopeless and i found out that i have been staring at the chicken's backside all thsoe time..just never knew it was a chicken :P...then there alex boo-ed me from behind...yes alex...another secondary school fren..who did not really know my poly frens...so of course i was surprised again...he told me i had to sing 2 nursery rhymes to the chicken -.-...damn...so after that i got my present..which was darkmount and the clue to the next place...which was clarke quay station...we went with alex cuz he had to rush off back to school for cca...so after he reached he was like "Bye Justin, Hi Zhong ming!"

I turned around and was so shocked to see Hakim and Zhong Ming...yet another 2 of my secondary school frens who this time..Totally dunno my poly frens :P...damn...they told me i had to animate 5 out of 12 of the monster hunter weapons move adn after that..choose one to make a weapon out of scrap material...i made a longsword which was an impact weapon instead :P and armed with that sword and an optimus prime mask...yes they gave me that :P...CJ lead me on the train to marina bay and marina barrage.

There i met none other than kor kor...who was "supposed" to be driving...he was my last boss which i had to defeat in a mini game similar to scissors paper stone...i won...but i knew he gave it to me one...but still...i won so i completed my quest...so finally...he lead me up the lift to the roof of the barrage and told me to close my eyes...i was lead to a place and suddenly...i was pelted with water bombs!

After i opened my eyes i saw all of them...yes even those who said they had to be somewhere else...all there smiling..and damn that was such a great feeling to have... :D we had food and ate and laughed about the screw up i had in my journey :D

Then towards the end edwin joined us again with edward in tow...and that completed the whole event...oh lets not forget edwin also splashed water all over me :P

My goodness they really made my day...im so blessed to have frens like all of them but what really sealed the whole day with happiness was the fact that the impt people in my secondary school life and impt people in my poly life both came together to celebrate my birthday...that really was the best 18th birthday i could ever want :D...Thanks all of you for being in my life :D

Normal day...as usual :P

Phrase: Good cannot exist without evil

Yes...another phrase from Transformers...i know this kinda disagree with the concept that Christianity adopts which is " evil exist because of the lack of presence of good"...but still , the general idea is there...so i guess sometimes we cant really curse the presence of evil...cuz think about it...a world of good really is a better place...but its possibly impossible :P...

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ReadME: 2

Version: 2011.1.15

ChangeLog:

-changed the songs in the blog

-met up with frens to play MH

-said i would study but did not

Well...im guessing you all would notice that i changed the song already...i really liked the first one..its kinda like a music video of an awesome game im playing now: Minecraft

So today was kinda normal...woke up...late as usual...and then ate brunch and met up with ryan...for those who dun know...ryan is what i like to call a roaming Christian :P...basically he is one of those who comes around knocking on doors and talking about the bible...i know most of you probably would kindly decline...but for me...i usually allow them to speak their mind...and its not becuz im oso christian...FYI...he visited me the first time a few months ago..when i was still big time atheist...but for me...i always let them say their share...then share my views...i know he is sincere about sharing the gospel becuz even after i became Christian...he still visits regularly and we will discuss about things...so he is not the kinda that simply come JUST to make you Christian...and i believe the rest are the same too...so do give them the chance :D

so then after that i met up with alex and hakim to go hunting...had fun...as usual...and ate dinner outside...and halfway thru i met joel...who promptly pestered me to go for BB parade cuz i have not been going for ages! but joel forgot one vital point...he tried to force me to go...now people all know that once you force me to do something...its already a lost cause :P...but still...perhaps i'll go back one of these days...

well then so basically nothing much...got projects...exams coming...actually said i would study today...but knowing myself...of course i did not :P

New phase for his blog...from now on its gonna be formated like a readme...just for fun :D My phrase of the post will come first...then after that the readme :D

Phrase: Anything can be fun as long as you're having fun :D

Well i learnt this thru so many project...really dun wanna elaborate more...but basically, even when things dun seem fun, you can always make up your own fun :P

well anyway below is the readme, which is basically the post :P

version=date

Changelog= major events

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ReadME: 1

Version: 2011.1.13

Changelog:

-screwed up my groupwork

-Got a stress attack, for the first time

-managed to handle it

-struggling with the workload

-had outing with trustee

Well so basically schools taking a toll on me, especially the projects. Kinda overloading but its not really becuz of the workload, but rather the stress from the other group. It not like i got no faith in my group, but it like when i look at other groups, they seems so much better. i think its my style as usual, always thinking negatively

But i was reading Jocelyn's Christmas note for me...it says "Dear Justin, may you have more CONFIDENCE & SELF-BELIEF in 2011. Have a happy new year! Cheers, Jocelyn" and i realized how much people care for me. Im always thinking that no one gives a damn about me and just treat me like im part of a wall. But i realized in not true for all cases...Jocelyn is my lecturer and most lecturer only bothers about my studies, but she is such a caring mentor and is able to locate my weaknesses in life. Just knowing that she knows make me feel better already...and of course i have my trustees which i trust with probably my life (kor kor is a trustee too...duh!). So i should count my blessings and stop thinking so much of what i dun have but rather think about the things i have :D ( MY GOSH!!...something positive actually came out from me :P)

well then with that thought...im hoping it will get me thru this semester, seriously i cant wait for it to end...Its been like a roller coaster ride for me, full of ups and downs and its seriously not my style. im simply hoping to get thru the exams well enough and hope that next sem wont be so bad...but still, had my share of fun so no complains there :D

and also, recently started playing minecraft...its the best game when it comes to de-stressing...trust me :D

alright thats about all...just finished editing slides and if theres nothing more, maybe gonna go de-stress :P

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WOW...the open house was a blast...but before that...the phrase of the post is :

Sometimes Fire in your heart is not so easily extinguished...

Sigh...not sure how many of you all will be able to infer this message...but i probably wont be elaborating it so much since its personal

So on to it...NYPSS OPEN HOUSE WAS A BLAST! yeap..past 3 days was nyp open house and perhaps some of you attended it...but realized i said NYPSS and not NYP...well becuz i believe if i was in another course i may not have that much fun...i really believe it truly was the people in social sciences class that made this event such a great one...love you all! :D

so of course..first day was apprehensive...really did not know how things will turn out...at the start it was kinda worrisome..since it appeared like there was not going to be anyone...but suddenly...there were floods of students coming in due to the school tour and their secondary school sending them to nyp...my goodness...our class became so crowded that we had hardly enough room to move...i found myself going hyper and moving around doing as much things as i can to make the most out of time...and of course...i believe that most of my classmates were doing the same too...then in the afternoon...the chaos continues but i was down at the atrium and i nearly fell asleep...damn was it boring...we were there for about 3.5 hours and it was the worst...there was not much interaction and probably the only funny thing was seeing Jim(our lecturer) on one of the TV screens introducing our course...boy that was funny...it kinda looks like crime watch where the police person was talking about crime and all...it was hilarious...but other than that...nothing much

then we went to the second day and the crowd we got simmered down to a manageable amount...its was kinda the same as the first day...but this time it was all the way into the night...and around 8 plus..some of my frens when ape shit and started dancing to funny music and just getting really high and crazy...boy this really is the first time experiencing such funny and awesome classmates :D...really made my day :D

then the last day was boring...kinda...since it was saturday there wasn't much traffic...so we had a lot of slack time where we listen to Jim and Jocelyn and all the funny things they had to say...my gosh we were laughing like mad...then of course 3 of my frens were geniuses by going for the school tour when it was meant for outsiders :P...and they actually managed to escape detection...even though jerry and CJ's face was printed in the course booklet and there is a gigantic poster that was about 3 storey high with CJ's face as one of the pics...my gosh..the experience they shared made me laugh once again...but of course...my mood had to be ruined by this person with the very cocky kinda face...jeez...for some reason i really could not control myself and now i owe CJ 6 lollipops for swearing 6 times :P

well so as you can see...was quite an eventful 3 days...and probably the best open house i ever attended/organized/helped in...and like i said...this Joy was becuz of the people around me...so thanks class for making this experience possible :D

alright...back again...and fine already :P

This time no joke...but a poem i heard from nigahiga...roses are red, violets are blue...then what the hell is the colour violet?

i laughed like mad at this...but it makes a good point :P

anyway..everythings fine now...so back to normal...sigh...school starts tmr and what a curse...all the secondary school people gets one more day of holidays except poly students...damn...we poly students are like adults so like our parents...we wont get extra holiday...well then since we're like adults...why cant we take leave like adults too :(...no fair :P

anyway...projects are going so so...homework im hoping is all done...went for a wedding just now and now have small headache...but after the wedding i now cant wait to get married and start a family :P...haha...its like such an interesting phase of my life...but my style still stays...not willing to sacrifice freedom...i still need to play play...or not later when go work no time to play liao :P

ok then..so now with the prospect of facing school and a tsunami of projects...and finally...the judgement day of exams...its time for me to go sleep :P

Mood is in the all time low now...its 12.52 am...i cant sleep...not until something happens...but i've been waiting...but it did not happen...i've been hoping...but it never came :( and this reminds me of a phrase.

"I now understand the true meaning of time. For it is the bond between friends that give time its meaning" - Vector Prime

Sigh...i believe i said before...being ignored is the worst thing that can happen to me, or that you can do to me. Most of my frens now already know that im a pessimistic person...im trying to think more positively, but my upbringing has made me see the good in negative thinking and this is hard to change...so when im being ignored...my head immediately starts working overtime and i start to wonder why im being ignored...what have i done to deserve it...or what the other party is going to do...i hate the feeling...i've already felt like a wall for so long...so such things really pains me and brings me down to deep-six. i constantly feel pain in my heart (literally...my chest sometimes may suddenly hurt) as i feel alone and ignored...have you people ever had this weird feeling when a bunch of people all leave together leaving you behind in a room...theres this weird feeling you will have that will tempt you to quickly go catch up...or at least...thats how i feel...i dun like being left behinds...the feeling affects me quick greatly...

So why am i still awake at this time?...i really dunno too...i did not sleep yesterday due to countdown and playing with frens...by right today i should be sleeping like a pig..but i cant...i cant fall asleep...i hope i will soon...the faster i sleep means the faster i escape the feeling of loneliness...i've been waiting...but it never came...im so used to having this "ritual" at night that now when suddenly it does not happen it feels so weird...

What worries me more is that i think the person is angry with me...i dunno...perhaps my negative mind is working again...but why else will he (no its not a girlfren) ignore me totally...sms...calls..everything short of me going straight to his house...have i made you angry?...if i did please tell me...dun ignore me...what happened to confrontation...or self-disclosure...or all those things we learnt...why use the method that will hurt me the most...i know it will never be your intention to hurt...but then i need to tell you...it hurts...no one can understand how it feels...when you have only a few people you can trust and treasure as frens...and these people ignores you...it leaves you an empty vessel at sea...lost with the same scene in all direction...you know how that feels...to be lonely...all you people are lucky...to have so many frens that you can throw some away and still have others...well too bad for me..i only have some frens who i can say i would trust my life to...so when they are gone...i might as well go hide in a forest and stay away from civilization...do you know how awesome a forest is...to be alone in there...since im already alone..might as well go spend some time with trees...or freaking ghost that calls your name pleadingly...

hmm...even as i read thru what i've typed...it doesn't seem to make sense...im just pouring out everything once again to this place..thanks Mr.blog for always taking my crap...

i dunno...i can dare say that im just being paranoid here...and probably everything will be fine soon...but it does not change the fact that im in my lowest of moods now...its no ones fault except mine...im sure any of you when faced with this will get thru it..but i cant..im not the kind that can get thru this..becuz frens are too impt to me...did you know that all these time...i've been thinking of what happened?...whether i made you angry...or you're sick...or you got into trouble...or your phone spoil...or my message not getting thru...so many things been racing thru..and i dun know which one is true..please...let me know...dun leave be alone... :(

well enough of these...i dunno what else to say...im just hoping that everything is fine or at least..will be fine soon.