To add or not to add

  hmm...been almost a week..maybe a few? cant rmb...haha well i told myself that one day i'll add that fren back...with a message..and very neutral one..but damn i havent got around to doing it...which surprises me..well maybe im grown up already...heh heh no more calling me kid :P

  ok but before that...i've been generally happy these past few days...yea surprise i know :P but i have really found what i should focus on in life...BB...i used to think that it will be weird cuz i'll always be mixing with ppl younger than me but i realized i have the primers, officers and teachers to foster closer bonds with. more importantly...we recognize each others worth and can work well together...and when its time to play..we play hard. like today, i went to play LAN with some of my boys plus one primer and officer. damn it was fun..but more importantly it was a good time and reminder to myself about where my life can be. Why should i be so focused on a life where its so poisonous...backstabs and shit when there is a great life here. I mean fine...my poly class has tons of great ppl, but there has always been a cloud of poison floating around

  What was interesting is this, i did some self reflection and also on the class that i spent 2 years plus with. Well..they havent been bad..but not fantastic either. from the start i wanted neutral, to have no part in it..but somehow...naturally you will be drawn to one side...and unfortunately for me..i fell for it. I recently met a friend and we discussed a lot about it..about the poison in the class...where its from and how it spreads. i was telling her, lucky for me...i broke free from the poison, and found the real ppl. I have been with ppl who openly care for me, but behind close doors talk bad about me, insulted me. But all these time, i always had ppl who did not openly care for me, but behind my back has always been looking out, making sure im ok and all :) and im lucky that they surfaced and now i know. im really greatful for wad they have been doing all these times.so how about the old bunch, well nothings going to change as long as they dont change. my theory is this, im perfectly fine with pretending nothing happen..and even if i know the truth, im fine with letting it go...and so i treat ppl the same...and dont plan to change that.

  But what i do plan to change is this, my focus in life should never be on ppl that doesnt want me. I always thought to myself that loyalty will win thru...want my answer now...NO...thats not true...i fell for something called blind loyalty...something that made me pay the price, but also taught me a valuable lesson. So from now on..you wont be seeing a justin that actively run to someone and ask if he/she is fine or if they are angry with me...nope...want be angry and stay angry...go ahead...as long as i know i've done my part...im fine...everything else is up to you.

  but i guess sometimes saying is easy. i told myself this a long time ago, but on one of those school days,i saw that friend stoning at the corridor alone after i took a call, i pretended not to notice and was about to open the door back to class, i stopped for a few seconds...wondering if i should ask if he's ok...then i had that image of him replying"im ok" or "dont disturb me" and immediately i knew that im probably not wanted by him at that moment...so yea..i did pause and ponder..but i didnt return to my old self. Good or Bad..i dunno...but its adapting

  Well so how about now...yes i still miss "E"...and yes i just went to "E" facebook to take a peek again...so cute <3 ..but="..but" :d=":d" :p=":p" a="a" and="and" at="at" back..but="back..but" be="be" between="between" bouts="bouts" but="but" div="div" enough="enough" even="even" fine="fine" focused="focused" for="for" forbidden="forbidden" getting="getting" going="going" guess="guess" having="having" helping.="helping." i="i" if="if" im="im" in="in" into="into" is="is" it="it" its="its" kinda="kinda" knowing="knowing" life="life" like="like" ll="ll" lonely="lonely" love...or="love...or" make="make" maybe="maybe" me="me" move="move" my="my" new...again="new...again" not="not" now="now" of="of" oh="oh" on..and="on..and" other="other" out="out" party="party" possible="possible" rather="rather" recently="recently" reckless="reckless" risk="risk" safe..and="safe..and" slowly="slowly" so="so" someone="someone" starting="starting" stay="stay" thats="thats" the="the" theres="theres" things="things" to="to" turn="turn" us..but="us..but" wad="wad" wait="wait" well..im="well..im" will="will" work="work" yet...stay="yet...stay">

Close call

Yeapz...a damn close call..but its not over yet

Im at the risk of having someone find out abt me..the thing abt me that not many ppl know...and some ppl really must never know, becuz i dont know how they will react...or wad will happen yet.

I dont deny..theres many sides of me...however it doesnt mean im lying to a certain grp of ppl, rather its like showing only a part of myself and not the full self.

ppl in poly knows me a lot more, becuz some of them slowly found out the real me..this was something i couldnt control. and now that they found out, im surprised their reaction wasnt big or negative..in fact i even slowly showed more of my "real" self with them, becuz they dont judge, they dont hate and they didnt ostracize me. I wouldnt say im confortable fully with them..but i would say im happy that they didnt leave me.

However there are other places that cannot know that side of me...and unfortunately one of it is my favourite place, BB. Unfortunately, no matter how close i am to them, they can never know that side of me. The side of me i give in BB is just the positive side, happy, cheerful, caring. that is really wad i want them to know of me...i show all these to the poly side as well..but just that they were more accepting. I dont think the BB ppl will ever accept it...and i dont wanna risk it either. I dont want to deal with the misconceptions or fear...and i dont want them to see me in a different light. They are all still young, maybe even not mature enough to handle the information. maybe thats why. In poly, most of them are matured and able to think more rationally, but in secondary school..it can be a different story.

Close friend? how about them. well they probably get the fullest version of me. but it depends on whether they know the true me or not...that i leave it up to them to slowly figure out. As for those who already know, im glad that i can still call them frens.

hmm...seems like im going to have to tread lightly these few days, i know myself well, i accidently slip up information very easily, especially when its myself and to a person im close to. I dont want to risk  it...and end up losing friends or being hated.

"E"...wish you were back with me...i never had to hide anything from you...you always had the true and fullest me

Always centered around my BB boys

That's my motto...at least that's how i work in BB. Be it their development academically, socially, discipline or just building bonds, what i do is always for the boys. and today even though i am met with the terrible news, there were little diamonds among those shit! and that is that i have found ppl that share my sentiments.

so summary, BB 10th anniversary is coming and the primers, plus me (since i constantly remind myself i'm not a primer) have been working hard in our own ways to make it good. but trouble started when we were deciding emcees. initial plan was the have one boy and one primer be an emcee. however the choice they made, the candidate for primer didn't seem too willing. so we decided to head of and find alternatives. and luck would bring us one boy who was enthusiastic and willing to be an emcee. he took initiative to ask us and we knew he could do it. We agreed. However, ok this part perhaps its our mistake for not informing the upper ups. so for this i dare admit. however we brought our case to them, stating reasons and explanations. we were strong on this...and was very confident as well.

but what happened? we can BS replies like "the platform is too big for just sec 1 boys to handle" EXCUSE ME? i would dare say those 2 sec 1 boys are better emcees than ANY one of you...i've seen them...their confidence on stage, tone, language were all good. and definitely better than some of you upper ups. if thats not a convincing enough explanation, is this not an excellent platform for them to grow. You all jolly well know their talent.. you CHOSE them to be emcees before. and here we have a big event, an excellent way for them to build on their already rather strong talent. Please dont get me wrong, i understand your agendas...im just questioning your rationale behind it. yes its a big event and trust may be better placed on primers, however i have confidence in those 2 boys, how about you? you are all so engrossed about making the event good, epic and flawless, i question if you are making the event for the image of BB or for the boys?  Dont forget...this is the Boys brigade anniversary. and dont you dare tell me its for the ex boys or something. those ppl have NO idea the challenge of moulding these "new age" teenagers. back in their days they were obedient and respond well to scolding...it doesnt work as well now..i've seen evidence. so im sorry...if you didnt come back to walk this journey like me and my other primers, then you jolly well sit and just enjoy all the effort THE BOYS have put in for this day. They learnt day after day to perfect their moves, primers and officers met late into the night to plan for this, so be good AUDIENCE and enjoy.

ok weird...but i've never been on good footing with ex boys who didnt come back..especially those who comes back with their comments on how things have changed...but that aside...my point is, we as primers should have our actions guided with the principle of best interest of our boys. come on even in socialwork we have best interest of a child, and those boys should also have this privilege. yes we can satisfy the whole world...but we can do to the best of our abilities.

ok enough ranting..im going passive (as always) and just follow thru...im not giving up on this fight..becuz its not fair for that one boy who had so much initiative and confidence...he is my junior...and i'll continue fighting for him...like what i'll do for any of the boys.

Looks like old habits really die hard

Oh guess what...it appears that i officially lost a friend on Facebook.

Haha weird...cuz it was so nostalgic...around a year ago...i was typing a person's names out to check on that person..only to realized im no longer friends, i smsed the person, and got the worst news of my life..the news that made me who i am today.

SO wads so nostalgic...well i just went to facebook, thought of someone and typed the persons name out just to check on that person, guess what...not friends. those 5 seconds, sudden pain the the chest, worry, panic and curiosity...exactly the same as one year ago. just different person, and kinda different status..one was a friend and one was much more...but the effects were the same.

It never easy to lose a friend i guess...but one junior once told me "you need to learn to let go". well i told her i don't want to...becuz some ppl are important..well she did scorn a little at me...but still i stayed true..and it did improve..but really what i learnt from that is simple, playing this kinda social games, sometimes if the other party holds the reins...let them hold it...no point taking control over it...you can put in the effort...but it would be in vain..go with his flow...(which i just realized isnt that wad all guys in relationships do...go with their girls flow?...lol random) but still...sometimes gaining control over a situation is not exactly the best method...let time be the judge of an outcome.

having said that tho..it doesn't mean i wont miss this person, nor the ROYAL JACK IN THE ASSHOLE one year ago...things like this wont change..to me its kinda simple for me..once you're my friend...i wont abandon you..on any circumstances.

So what am i gonna do? well im going to be myself...but not as bad as i was last time..im still going to try and get that friend back..but no as aggressively as it was before...one attempt, a friend request attached with a message...and that's it..everything else...its up to him...

sometimes i wonder...cuz i know..my loyalty to my ex is the very reason why im pained right now...even tho its been so long, and "E" has treated me so badly (among good of course)...im still loyal to "E", "E" told me to wait for "E" to come back...and im going to wait...wait until everything really is lost before i move on...well...i dunno if this courtesy can be extended to friends or not...maybe it will..maybe loyalty will kill me again, but i believe loyalty will win it thru as well (oh gosh an optimistic me...im on drugs i tell you :D)

oh oh one last thing...UNISIM still sucks ,,!,,