Been awhile since i last wrote anything...well cuz i have been effectively keeping myself busy with games (ok and school work) and its somewhat working out...but as august comes to a close and September looms closer..i realized again that my life is at risk of another bout of sadness.
Well lets start with the most pressing thing first...5th september...its coming...and im probably gonna kill myself if i cant survive through it..well maybe not...there's lots of things holding me back...but i haven't been able to talk abt stuff or just share my burden or load...so all these things has been bouncing all over my head. Well i have been lucky to have 2 classmates frm my FYP group...2 person that i never expected to get closer to but im glad i did...they made me feel much more "normal" and sometimes i even open up to them to talk a little more. It does help (God im such a girl =.=) when i talk to people, sharing helps to ease the pain somewhat.
So how about my old confidant? He's gone with the wind :P no la...but i realized i've been pestering him too much abt my problems for these past year...and now that he has his own issues to go thru...i shouldn't be disturbing him...although the only person that i do feel most comfortable talking to is him, i still have to hold back no matter how much i want to talk. Recently he just told me that he's going to disappear for awhile...well the old me would have panicked, feel sad about it and start asking too many question. I realized thanks to him i also changed a lot...my heart is no longer as soft as last time (well for others i think its still quite soft) and honestly i know that when he says "disappear", he's still going to be playing games and thru that...will still end up having people to talk to abt games...so im not as worried about him "disappearing and not talking to anyone" cuz i know its probably not happening...maybe that's why i can calmly just let it go. But still...it will be nice to have the old times where i can just chatter about that jerk to him and even though there's no advice or anything..it just feels good to have someone listening
Speaking of listening, there has been another classmate that has been really sweet to me, she has been super concern with me and has been sending encouraging messages. I feel like confiding to her but honestly...i dunnno how she will react. I had plans to meet her for supper one day...and even if i dont share, at least it would be a good catch up session. I find that she is really a highly misunderstood person...and honestly i appreciate her company a lot (aaaannndd then i'll be called a traitor or spy cuz i hang out with her....guys...sometimes i have to agree that guys, myself included can be so immature)
and finally, my dear "G" who has proven to me that people in chatrooms can be honest as well (1% of them only though) I think its almost a few months already and we are still talking :) "G" makes me feel like im somebody and really a super unique person. But as usual, trust with me is a very difficult thing and i find it hard to trust people. Im still worried that "G" is just faking it...i dunnno...but as of now..im glad we talk...i dont really share too much with "G". After all i haven't even met in person yet, but still, its nice to have someone older to talk to. not to mention that "G" still treats me like a little kid :P
since we are on the topic of "Single-Letter-Alphabets-Representing-Important-People-In-My-Life-But-Identity-Have-To-Be-Kept-Secret"...lets not forget "E", havent been seeing that donkey for quite awhile, mostly fleeting, but "E" has been visiting my mind a lot more often these days...maybe again its the 5th september coming, and a wee part of me is kinda wishing that on the 5th september i will get a call frm "E" saying that "E" is coming back to me...well...im in a fantasy i guess...but i find myself longing for a lot of old times to come back...back then it was so much happier...so much less alone.
Buuutt! im lucky :) Been getting a lot more frm BB these past few days. got super close to some of my year 1 boys and they were all pestering me to become an officer, so that i would be able to join them in future for overseas trips and all...i wa really touched by what they said because i know that to them im somebody. Furthermore they were also pestering me to follow through with them thru all 4 years. My role in BB was always for the past 3 years, to initiate the year 1s into the BB culture...i have been taking 3 year 1s batches so far...and this batch is the one that im closest to, and also the batch that has made me feel such a huge sense of achievement. they were asking me to continue teaching them next year..instead of moving back to the new year 1s...they kept suggesting other primers to take the year 1s so that i can continue with them to year 2. Such a simple request made me feel so appreciated, and even though im tempted to agree, i do have a job to do. Anyway its not like im going to just abandon them...i'll still be there...just like im still there for my first batch of year 1s..who are now year 3s :) time flies.
Anyway i guess life is still lots of ups and downs...and i realized i didnt write anything abt unisim...well CUZ I DONT CARE! so i guess for now its really a lot abt distracting myself...and hope i dont take my life on the 5th september...and maybe...just maybe..slowly get over "E" (although i kinda like "E" visiting my dreams:P)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
If only you were still with me...
If only you were still with me, we can share laughs together, we can cry together, hug, snuggle, smile, love, chatter, argue, bitch or even just day dream. I can still love you, take care of you, make sure your ok, make sure you go to school, or that your heart is not aching, make sure that your wrist is just fine and make sure your mornings to school wont be so boring...all of a sudden i miss those time.
So once again i find myself not being able to sleep. and after reading my friends blog and his post about happiness and how to handle being friend-zoned...i envy him. His positive attitude towards life and setback really made him different frm most people. (unfortunately his name...why couldn't you be called edwin? or emmanuel, or erandor?..not to say its a bad name though...its a DAMN good name :P)
But i guess after reading thru it i realized something...lucky you...you were friend-zoned...i wasn't even given the luxury...in the name of the "lord", i was forced to be apart, i was condemned for doing wrong (which i do not deny frm it) and "exiled", made to lose ALL contact and presence. That's the difference. To ask me to find joy in that seems like asking me to find fragrance in a pile of elephant droppings. If i was friend-zoned i would have been a happy cat right now...but it wasn't the case. I have been silenced and apart for 11 months now...and soon i can mourn the 1 year mark. I have this naive thinking that it might be over, but after accidently "stumbling" upon recent photos of said person, i feel that reality hit me again
i miss you
i still think of you
and i think i might still love you
i guess most of me wants a friendship back...maybe its too much to ask for the relationship back, since there are so many things against us. it was nice while it lasted...but i guess if its impossible, then friendship maybe? in the first place i was the one who wanted it to be a friendship, to end the relationship status, remain as friend. but in a blink everything turned against me and im the one at fault for everything, all because i was too damn loyal to my friends and didn't keep my mouth shut.
Back then, i was hell bent on having you as a friend..nothing more...but after we were forced apart...and during this 11 months...i realized a terrible repercussion, something nobody..including me ever anticipated..
It time to be truthful, all those times i said i miss you...a little part of me believed that i can get over you...and move on in life...i always believed that...but as the days and times go by...my desire and love for you somehow grew instead of diminished...in normal circumstances absence of someone makes a person slowly get over...true they may miss that person like mad, but after awhile the lack of presence simply makes the person fade away...so how come for me its not the case...how come as days go by..i realized i like you more and more...instead of saving me...this stupid plan is cursing me to love someone that seems like i will never get. Well the plan was to save you in the first place i guess...they were your family, your FUCKING pastor, your equally FUCKING church...all of them plan was to save you...oh dont worry about me...i'll be fine...im not part of the church anyway..just a random friend that comes on sunday...so dont worry...our flock of holy fucktards need to be cared for first...visitors second...yea thats right...you're beautiful plan worked damn well...it made the beneficiary a happier person...but it left me more broken, and slowly sinking.
Last sunday i realized (well after having "E"s parents sitting so proximally close to me -.-) how much shit i have gone through, and how much these assholes DON'T KNOW that i have to go through. I bet they believe im coping just fine...they always say "oh church is a place for everyone, and under the eye of the lord all are equal" and so they pretend to be nice and huge smiled people...shaking hands with me with their usual "good morning the lord bless you"...you'll be lucky if i dont blast at you...all i can do is give a weak smile and look away quickly...shaking hands as shortly as possible. you know what...doing that...giving me your smiles...makes me even more pissed...makes me feel that you are so fucking fake...that when you are in church you give huge smiles...but out of church you hate me so much...fuck you...no fuck you all who are so fake...who faked yourself when you are in church.
that sunday was also the first time in awhile since i declined the communion, i realized that i am sick of calling myself a christian...fuck this...when my christian life started it was nothing but disaster..everything went downhill...the people who hurt me the most were christian, heck even the religious leaders damaged me with his stupid plans...look at him now...does he even care about me...he hasn't even asked about me since (ok maybe cuz i try to avoid him) but i mean point proven, why should you care? as long as your flock is fine..who is this random visitor to you? nothing...let him be collateral damage...I hate you...i hate you for ruining my life...i hate you for coming up with your plan..i hate you
so i decided not to take a bloody bread and cup..i decided at that point...i will not be a christian. Even in the latest form frm my lecturer for attachment, when they asked for my religion...yes i hesitated and wanted to put christian, but in the end i put free thinker (well nearly put atheist). For this period i am not a christian...i am ashamed to call myself that..after seeing what these people do "in the name of god"
I told myself that i will give myself 1 month. all the way until the 5th september...the date where i received my last message frm "E"... Simple...if there is a miracle during this period of 1 month...then yes, i will believe in this holy one again. I was thinking abt what i wanted...yes if "E" comes back to me of course i'll be happy...but i dunno...i dont even expect the relationship anymore...i just wanna be friends again...thats all im asking for...and im giving 1 month for it..but thats not the only thing..i realized that im giving so many chances...chances for myself to get back into this accursed community. i realized that there were so many things that could make me believe in god again...any one of those fuckers...pastor, parents, even the church members has this small little chance that they may accidently move my heart and make me come back. However my greatest desire is just the friendship back...a long shot i guess...but 1 month...i'll wait...when the next communion comes...i will either partake in it..or decline it...but once i decline it on that day...i will never partake in communion again...because at that time i would have given up on this community... in fact by 5th september if nothing has happened...i will not only leave the faith...but probably everything in relation to it...i might leave cell...i dont think i want to leave the people...because that is not fair for them...but any form of religiousity i will put behind...and return back to an atheist...because in the end...when i was an atheist..i was happy...when i was a christain, i was miserable.
Even thru all this...i actually wanted to talk to my cell abt it...but the people there...its a bad combi...3 of them are just all about fun...all abt play...and probably never take it seriously...and among these 3, 1 of them is intertwined into my problems.. there is the cell leader..which is a good person..but i just dont know him well enough yet...there is a girl..which is such a sweet girl...but would never understand...becuz she is already too religious...the remaining 2 im not even close enough to comment. so in the end...i realized cell is not good enough an outlet. i love that cell...last week alex even prayed that the cell stayed strong and together...i was happy to hear that..but after the following sunday...i realized i may be the first to leave..i really dont want this to happen...in fact if i stopped going to church..i might still want to come for cell..as a free thinker of course...but i feel that cutting all ties seems to be the best method
Well...after all..christians believe that if there is a problem you should cut away all ties with the problem right...cut "E" away from me...so that "E" can be better...while not caring abt me? well you are right...if this religion is my problem...i will cut it away frm me.
5th september...wednesday..i know that at the end of that day..i will still miss you...i would probably still love you..and think abt you...lets just be friends...please...the thing i miss most is not the relationship...not the kiss or the laughs...the thing i miss most is you...you're entire person and being...not just one component...just like any of those who i consider as friend...you are one of them..and when i say i miss you..or if any of my friends...its not just about the talk or laughs or games...i miss them as a whole...and i miss you as a whole :'(
So once again i find myself not being able to sleep. and after reading my friends blog and his post about happiness and how to handle being friend-zoned...i envy him. His positive attitude towards life and setback really made him different frm most people. (unfortunately his name...why couldn't you be called edwin? or emmanuel, or erandor?..not to say its a bad name though...its a DAMN good name :P)
But i guess after reading thru it i realized something...lucky you...you were friend-zoned...i wasn't even given the luxury...in the name of the "lord", i was forced to be apart, i was condemned for doing wrong (which i do not deny frm it) and "exiled", made to lose ALL contact and presence. That's the difference. To ask me to find joy in that seems like asking me to find fragrance in a pile of elephant droppings. If i was friend-zoned i would have been a happy cat right now...but it wasn't the case. I have been silenced and apart for 11 months now...and soon i can mourn the 1 year mark. I have this naive thinking that it might be over, but after accidently "stumbling" upon recent photos of said person, i feel that reality hit me again
i miss you
i still think of you
and i think i might still love you
i guess most of me wants a friendship back...maybe its too much to ask for the relationship back, since there are so many things against us. it was nice while it lasted...but i guess if its impossible, then friendship maybe? in the first place i was the one who wanted it to be a friendship, to end the relationship status, remain as friend. but in a blink everything turned against me and im the one at fault for everything, all because i was too damn loyal to my friends and didn't keep my mouth shut.
Back then, i was hell bent on having you as a friend..nothing more...but after we were forced apart...and during this 11 months...i realized a terrible repercussion, something nobody..including me ever anticipated..
It time to be truthful, all those times i said i miss you...a little part of me believed that i can get over you...and move on in life...i always believed that...but as the days and times go by...my desire and love for you somehow grew instead of diminished...in normal circumstances absence of someone makes a person slowly get over...true they may miss that person like mad, but after awhile the lack of presence simply makes the person fade away...so how come for me its not the case...how come as days go by..i realized i like you more and more...instead of saving me...this stupid plan is cursing me to love someone that seems like i will never get. Well the plan was to save you in the first place i guess...they were your family, your FUCKING pastor, your equally FUCKING church...all of them plan was to save you...oh dont worry about me...i'll be fine...im not part of the church anyway..just a random friend that comes on sunday...so dont worry...our flock of holy fucktards need to be cared for first...visitors second...yea thats right...you're beautiful plan worked damn well...it made the beneficiary a happier person...but it left me more broken, and slowly sinking.
Last sunday i realized (well after having "E"s parents sitting so proximally close to me -.-) how much shit i have gone through, and how much these assholes DON'T KNOW that i have to go through. I bet they believe im coping just fine...they always say "oh church is a place for everyone, and under the eye of the lord all are equal" and so they pretend to be nice and huge smiled people...shaking hands with me with their usual "good morning the lord bless you"...you'll be lucky if i dont blast at you...all i can do is give a weak smile and look away quickly...shaking hands as shortly as possible. you know what...doing that...giving me your smiles...makes me even more pissed...makes me feel that you are so fucking fake...that when you are in church you give huge smiles...but out of church you hate me so much...fuck you...no fuck you all who are so fake...who faked yourself when you are in church.
that sunday was also the first time in awhile since i declined the communion, i realized that i am sick of calling myself a christian...fuck this...when my christian life started it was nothing but disaster..everything went downhill...the people who hurt me the most were christian, heck even the religious leaders damaged me with his stupid plans...look at him now...does he even care about me...he hasn't even asked about me since (ok maybe cuz i try to avoid him) but i mean point proven, why should you care? as long as your flock is fine..who is this random visitor to you? nothing...let him be collateral damage...I hate you...i hate you for ruining my life...i hate you for coming up with your plan..i hate you
so i decided not to take a bloody bread and cup..i decided at that point...i will not be a christian. Even in the latest form frm my lecturer for attachment, when they asked for my religion...yes i hesitated and wanted to put christian, but in the end i put free thinker (well nearly put atheist). For this period i am not a christian...i am ashamed to call myself that..after seeing what these people do "in the name of god"
I told myself that i will give myself 1 month. all the way until the 5th september...the date where i received my last message frm "E"... Simple...if there is a miracle during this period of 1 month...then yes, i will believe in this holy one again. I was thinking abt what i wanted...yes if "E" comes back to me of course i'll be happy...but i dunno...i dont even expect the relationship anymore...i just wanna be friends again...thats all im asking for...and im giving 1 month for it..but thats not the only thing..i realized that im giving so many chances...chances for myself to get back into this accursed community. i realized that there were so many things that could make me believe in god again...any one of those fuckers...pastor, parents, even the church members has this small little chance that they may accidently move my heart and make me come back. However my greatest desire is just the friendship back...a long shot i guess...but 1 month...i'll wait...when the next communion comes...i will either partake in it..or decline it...but once i decline it on that day...i will never partake in communion again...because at that time i would have given up on this community... in fact by 5th september if nothing has happened...i will not only leave the faith...but probably everything in relation to it...i might leave cell...i dont think i want to leave the people...because that is not fair for them...but any form of religiousity i will put behind...and return back to an atheist...because in the end...when i was an atheist..i was happy...when i was a christain, i was miserable.
Even thru all this...i actually wanted to talk to my cell abt it...but the people there...its a bad combi...3 of them are just all about fun...all abt play...and probably never take it seriously...and among these 3, 1 of them is intertwined into my problems.. there is the cell leader..which is a good person..but i just dont know him well enough yet...there is a girl..which is such a sweet girl...but would never understand...becuz she is already too religious...the remaining 2 im not even close enough to comment. so in the end...i realized cell is not good enough an outlet. i love that cell...last week alex even prayed that the cell stayed strong and together...i was happy to hear that..but after the following sunday...i realized i may be the first to leave..i really dont want this to happen...in fact if i stopped going to church..i might still want to come for cell..as a free thinker of course...but i feel that cutting all ties seems to be the best method
Well...after all..christians believe that if there is a problem you should cut away all ties with the problem right...cut "E" away from me...so that "E" can be better...while not caring abt me? well you are right...if this religion is my problem...i will cut it away frm me.
5th september...wednesday..i know that at the end of that day..i will still miss you...i would probably still love you..and think abt you...lets just be friends...please...the thing i miss most is not the relationship...not the kiss or the laughs...the thing i miss most is you...you're entire person and being...not just one component...just like any of those who i consider as friend...you are one of them..and when i say i miss you..or if any of my friends...its not just about the talk or laughs or games...i miss them as a whole...and i miss you as a whole :'(
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Guys are like this...
A girl once told me "Guys are like this one...they are there when they need you...and once its done, and they have something else on their mind, you are left forgotten. That's why so many people divorce, cuz guys found something else in life"
Well...she was actually directing this at some of the guys...the divorce thingy was just the analogy...but back then i told her that its not true...that guys are usually quite loyal in terms of friendship, and that they may not always be there...but if you need them they will definitely come. She then shot back at me by saying "do they come back cuz you're important? or because they are 'bound' by that loyalty"...at that point i was struck dumb. Honestly...i dunno...i never had that experience before. Most of my friends are guys...and MOST of them are there for me when i need them. so thats what i told her...and she told me that i was lucky...but when she looked at the friends i have that were guys...she told me to be careful...and that i might be proven wrong soon.
BITCH! you were right -.- you win.
well ok lets be fair (my pride and ego setting in) you're not all right...you cant blame a guy for having his own life...and wanting his own personal life...girls want their privacy too right? so if a guy has something else i his life of interest then of course he cannot give you the attention that he has given...and at this point im shooting myself in the foot...cuz i just realized that mindset is what makes a guy unfaithful...ok i shall shut up and admit defeat now :P
But then again...what if a guy can give attention to all those things...i know of a couple which is so awesome...classmates of course...but he is a major gamer...but the girlfriend (ok she's a gamer too, lucky them) is also quite ok. They are happy together and i think the guy also gives his gf the attention she needs. so it is possible to spend time with important people and still with your personal life. but then again...not every guy is as wonderful as him. i'll make a mental note to defend his name in case it gets shot by other girls.
speaking of relationships, i recently heard a heart stopping thing from my BB captain. he was teaching (preaching) to the boys and he mentioned the different level of friendships. The maximum level is actually soulmate. I was surprised cuz soulmate has always been a term i attach to wife or husband...but he said a soulmate can be a friend that knows you so well that he/she does not even need you to say it, and they know whats in your mind already. Its an interesting concept...but i highly doubt many friendships can be at that level.
But why do i care? guys will always be shallow bastards that can be so fake that they are almost unseen (yes that includes myself as well...not denying) but the difference sets in when the guy tries his best NOT to be that. maybe its weird..but somehow guys are just like this, the only thing they can do is try not to be so...blargh!
ok actually this post is getting rather weird...people might start thinking that i wanna go for a sex change or something :P no...im happy being a guy...but i wanna be a guy that can prove those girls wrong..that i can be a person that can feel, that isnt so shallow or fake...and is always there...i mean even now i think its not too bad...ok fine when im gaming i tend to ignore my phone...but i sometimes still try to reply while playing :P or when im sleeping, i also try to reply even though i feel like throwing my phone aside...well unless i really fell asleep liao la..that one different story :P
hmmm...but its interesting honestly..to see the different types of guys...even in BB..most of the guys i can predict is gonna grow up to be the cliche kinda guys...so maybe guys are really naturally like this...well...maybe some of them will change...hopefully :P
ok why is this post so messy...well for starters...i just realized something...1 MORE MONTH :( its 5 august today! one more month to the 1 year mark of stony silence...fuck :( not even sure if i can survive that day or not..maybe i'll copy my "suspected-suicidal friend" and attempt to end my life on that date or something..just so i dont have to suffer the next year..sians...or maybe i'll get lucky and miracles might happen...well whatever it is...i think im screwed for this month of august...at least until i recover frm this heartache :(
Well...she was actually directing this at some of the guys...the divorce thingy was just the analogy...but back then i told her that its not true...that guys are usually quite loyal in terms of friendship, and that they may not always be there...but if you need them they will definitely come. She then shot back at me by saying "do they come back cuz you're important? or because they are 'bound' by that loyalty"...at that point i was struck dumb. Honestly...i dunno...i never had that experience before. Most of my friends are guys...and MOST of them are there for me when i need them. so thats what i told her...and she told me that i was lucky...but when she looked at the friends i have that were guys...she told me to be careful...and that i might be proven wrong soon.
BITCH! you were right -.- you win.
well ok lets be fair (my pride and ego setting in) you're not all right...you cant blame a guy for having his own life...and wanting his own personal life...girls want their privacy too right? so if a guy has something else i his life of interest then of course he cannot give you the attention that he has given...and at this point im shooting myself in the foot...cuz i just realized that mindset is what makes a guy unfaithful...ok i shall shut up and admit defeat now :P
But then again...what if a guy can give attention to all those things...i know of a couple which is so awesome...classmates of course...but he is a major gamer...but the girlfriend (ok she's a gamer too, lucky them) is also quite ok. They are happy together and i think the guy also gives his gf the attention she needs. so it is possible to spend time with important people and still with your personal life. but then again...not every guy is as wonderful as him. i'll make a mental note to defend his name in case it gets shot by other girls.
speaking of relationships, i recently heard a heart stopping thing from my BB captain. he was teaching (preaching) to the boys and he mentioned the different level of friendships. The maximum level is actually soulmate. I was surprised cuz soulmate has always been a term i attach to wife or husband...but he said a soulmate can be a friend that knows you so well that he/she does not even need you to say it, and they know whats in your mind already. Its an interesting concept...but i highly doubt many friendships can be at that level.
But why do i care? guys will always be shallow bastards that can be so fake that they are almost unseen (yes that includes myself as well...not denying) but the difference sets in when the guy tries his best NOT to be that. maybe its weird..but somehow guys are just like this, the only thing they can do is try not to be so...blargh!
ok actually this post is getting rather weird...people might start thinking that i wanna go for a sex change or something :P no...im happy being a guy...but i wanna be a guy that can prove those girls wrong..that i can be a person that can feel, that isnt so shallow or fake...and is always there...i mean even now i think its not too bad...ok fine when im gaming i tend to ignore my phone...but i sometimes still try to reply while playing :P or when im sleeping, i also try to reply even though i feel like throwing my phone aside...well unless i really fell asleep liao la..that one different story :P
hmmm...but its interesting honestly..to see the different types of guys...even in BB..most of the guys i can predict is gonna grow up to be the cliche kinda guys...so maybe guys are really naturally like this...well...maybe some of them will change...hopefully :P
ok why is this post so messy...well for starters...i just realized something...1 MORE MONTH :( its 5 august today! one more month to the 1 year mark of stony silence...fuck :( not even sure if i can survive that day or not..maybe i'll copy my "suspected-suicidal friend" and attempt to end my life on that date or something..just so i dont have to suffer the next year..sians...or maybe i'll get lucky and miracles might happen...well whatever it is...i think im screwed for this month of august...at least until i recover frm this heartache :(
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