I guess things just had to be this way

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ReadMe:7

Version:2011.5.25

I wont be the same again...im sorry...for those around me...i might not be able to be myself for sometimes...sorry if it will affect you people

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Well i guess things had to turn out like this...i've tried my best...but there are somethings that are just out of my control...somethings that are decisions of others that i cant control...and they have made their choice...and even though it is not the worst choice...its will still result in me slowly being tortured by the fact...so i also have made my decision...and that is to wrench myself away from this...so that i take the full hurt at once..rather than slowly...

i guess things actually can be quite good...i mean im still allowed to meet these frens...and to talk to them...but that one decision...will slowly make our frenship go down...and it will slowly tear us apart...and i would rather end this frenship at one shot...rather than end it slowly...im not sure if its the right choice...and i know its not fair for you guys as well...that you had no say in this...but i know myself...and i know that the situation now...theres too much animosity for our friendship...

Im gonna clear up the mess i've made...that i will...but then after that...im unsure...but i'll probably leave church...it took me 17 years to make the decision to follow christ...but all it took was a few people to make me doubt...and it wasn't even you guys who cause it...thats why its unfair...but thats how things are...i'll see how things turn out..but in church...i never felt is as a home...everywhere i look people seem so cold to me...i feel like i dun belong there...and perhaps i dun...im not sure about this...but there will be a high chance that i'll be leaving the place...as for leaving christianity...we'll see how things go...

its hard for me to make this decision...and even now im tearing about the loss of you friends...and its not your fault at all..its my decision...but i have my reasons...all these may change in future...who knows...but as of now...thats how things are...its better to feel one huge hurt...rather than to be hurt slowly overtime...trust me...it hurts to do this...i feel the pain in my heart literally right now :( i still have this small shimmer of hope for things...but its fading...slowly....

Life is never easy...

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ReadMe 6
Version: 2011.5.19

Confused
and still confused

Guilty

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Sigh...things just really isnt going the way i want it to be is it?...i wan you to be happy...but that will make another party sad...i also want the other party to be happy...but i know that would make you sad...i search my heart...to see where it belongs...but what i saw was a heart that was split...and both party will not be happy to have only half...but have they ever thought...to have a heart split into half...who is the one that is hurt the most?...Me...every night i ask myself how fair is it to be like this...to only share half of me with each of you...but how can i control?...this is something i cant control...i would love to be able to control it...but both of you know better that such things cant be controlled...either way..one have to be hurt...and frankly speaking...i already made the decision...there is only one person that occupied my mind...one person that i had even thought of spending my life with...and that is my choice...but i cant bring myself to tell the other party...of fear that i would hurt that person...and lose a friend...so all im doing now is buying time...and lying to that person...

I am confident...the correct choice is reading this post right now...yes you...i know you're reading it now :) dun worry...i told you before that my heart is with you and i intend to keep that promise...give me some time...stay confident...cuz im very sure you are reading this post right now :)..and the other party doesn't read my blog one...im still trying to settle this...and frankly speaking...its not going well...so far both party are still neutral...but im the one with the most pain and confusion...i know i need to handle this...but its not easy with so many things...people dun trust me...thinking that i might be some worthless and useless person...and perhaps i really am...who knows...i dun even know myself right now...and now reading my own post...i realized that this post is seriously just me pouring out all my fear...sadness...distress and confusion...seeing how cluttered my thoughts are...but dun worry :D...nothing has changed since the last time we talked :D and just to triple confirm that you really are my right choice...6 more days ;)

To confused to think of a phrase

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ReadMe 5
Version: 2011.5.8

Confused
Irritated
Lost
Stressed
Annoyed
Sad

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Sigh...need to release some feelings here...been confused so much...

Have to think about others and how to ensure that they are happy...but i dunno why...im always trying to give in to others and their request...but no one seem to do the same for me...maybe its becuz i dun say it out...but i know that i naturally want to satisfy others but sometimes it hurts to know that the same is not done for me....on the other hand...people who try to satisfy me go to such extreme...to the point that i felt disappointed with myself...so in the end im still in sadness...im so sick of this...

I really dunno how to handle this anymore...im trying to settle things one by one but thats not going well too...why must my life be so damn complicated...i wish for a simple life...but i cant i guess....maybe its fate that i'll have to go thru this as a lesson or maybe a form of learning...but sometimes its a little too hard...

I dunno..im still hoping that things will smoothen out...and nothing more complicated happens...and by the way...I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO! :(

Past few months been rocky

Phrase of this post: worry about the future, for it affects your actions in the present

Basically its more or less about thinking about your future...becuz if you think about the consequences in future..it will help you make a better choice now...most of the time at least :P

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ReadMe 4
Version: 2011.5.3

Changelog:
Been through quite a bit
School is getting tedious (not good)
Getting stressed
But also got love <3

Been really long since i last posted eh...but good also...those who still read are probably those who cared for me...hee hee..nah just kidding...but still...lifes been kinda rough...got ups and downs so far...so im gonna try and condense about 2 months of info into this post.

So schools reopen and its back to school...well not really enthu about it cuz the modules we are learning this semester is kinda boring...but before i bore you people...lets talk about the more fun thing first...the year 1 orientation :D...so our class made a separate orientation for our juniors and it was a blast!...had so much fun.its was actually quite the typical orientation kinda stuff...games...time to bond...things like that...but what made it special was that everyone was so into it and really making the most ouut of the orientation...its was great to see our effort pay off in the smiles of the year 1s

But of course...good things must end and its back to school...Boooooo! so this sem we are learning things like, working with special needs, working with older adults, program planning, crisis intervention, research methods and marketing...seriously..this line up is terrible...none of them is something im interested in..so obviously i have no motivation to study...and to seal this parcel of Sh*t...we have the GSM which is entrepreneurship to seal the deal -.-...terrible...so of course the whole class was mad with the GSM and there were lots of swearing and cursing...but what to do..we're under the poly law -.- but we have a new lecturer and she is a pretty nice lady...looking forward to getting to know her more :P

but during the course of study..i finally confessed to her...again :P...haha..for those who dun know...too bad...but if you're close enough to me..then you will know...:P...im so happy she agreed abt we're together now..im really unsure about the future ahead and how things will turn out...but still...hope everything is fine and our love will stay strong <3

thats actually about all...eh...2 months only but my life still not quite happening lei...actually got lots more to say but lazy to type :P...haha...but once again...i felt like writing an appreciation section cuz these people in my life means a lot to me...not including my family of course...and in no order of merits :P i just felt a need for this becuz i never had real friends in my life before...im the loner kind of guy and it was mostly becuz of my secondary school life...but im glad for these people who are in my life now to show me the brighter side of life :D

1)korkor: who has always been there for me and must tahan thru all my tedious-ness...always making me laugh at the thousands of monkey faces he can make...and just being an awesome friend :D

2)Darling<3 : for not giving up on me and holding on to me...and giving me another chance and being part of my life...i hope that this will withstand the test of time and everything else that life throws at us :D

3)Haka, alex, edwin: for being my loyal friends and always exploring obscure corners of gaming with me...and all the adventures we had in minecraft, monster hunter, patapon, battlefield and probably many more :D

4) peggy..for being part of my trustees and also offering guidance and advice to me...and bring laughs to my life. for being one of those who guided me to God and always being a great friend :D

5)Edward: for being a great big reflective mirror to me...and giving me a chance to explore more about myself as much as you are exploring more about yourself :D

6)My fellow social scientist: for just being the most awesome class i ever had :D

7)Julius: for being my hunting partner and also my "shifu" in the aspect of love...haha :P

8)my lecturers : for being an awesome mentor and inspiring people to me that i can respect :D showing me the side of life that i want to pursue and always motivating me to carry on studying :D

Well theres more i guess...but these are those that stood out the most during this past 2 months...thanks for being there for me and being part of my life :D