Move on? I cant...

Well today is a tragic day, nearly cried in public, had to hide away, and in the end still tear-ed. Thankfully i had people to talk to if not i might have just killed myself.

  But first,the paper was ok today, surprisingly. and also the NS medical checkup went well, and i thot it was gonna be a good day ahead. But while on the taxi home, the taxi drove past "E" house, and i saw "E" at the bus stop with someone else. "E" had one hand over the other person's shoulder and they seemed quite happy, quite like a couple...

  I couldn't control myself, at that moment all that was in my head was that i lost all hope of having "E" back already, wanted to cry but couldn't. Had a close friend in the taxi as well but we were with someone else who i don't really know well. So i kept quiet till we left the taxi, and i tried to whisper what i saw to my close friend, she didn't receive the message and somehow at that moment, i thought of the image, thought of the past and couldn't control anymore,i ran off to the back alleys so no one could see me cry. Life is unfair when the people you care for most leaves you, and the torture when you see the person with someone else. That friend of mine called to check and i realized i really needed someone to talk to. At first i wanted to just go home and play games and forget everything but i realized i wasnt capable of it anyway. So i grabbed my bike, and cycled back to the busstop i saw "E". I wanted to see the other person, but i guess it didnt really made a difference to me. They were'nt there anymore and i just went to find somewhere to seat down

  I went through all the past messages with "E" and also the photo, the one and only one that is left of "E" and me...even as i read the past messages there were flaws in our relationship. However i guess i didnt really care. I was happy taking care of "E" and i didnt really need anything in return. But i guess thats not true either. I wanted "E"'s love as well, and kinda got it, but it was never a full love. I was an option, and happen to be the most available.

  So after talking a long long time with my friend (who effectively smacked me in my brain to knock some sense into me) i realized that there may be a future out there better for me. Its uncertain, but i know im ready. If someone better came my way, i know that if the relationship is going to be sincere and genuine, then i will also be ready to let "E" go. But until that person comes, im not ready to let go of "E". I like thinking about "E". and as my friend said, i liked to torture myself. sounds so sadomasochistic, but well, since when did love make sense? 

  A little part of me still hoped that what i saw was just a misunderstanding. "E" has always been a person who likes hugs and physical touch, so maybe that was just a gesture of friendship. I hope so, i have that irrational hope that "E" will come back. yea irrational cuz im hurting myself if i continue hoping, but i guess im willing to go through it, if it means that there is a chance of getting "E" back..

  Oh well, anyway tmr last paper of my life in awhile, then attachment. I really need to spend more time with my BB boys, and also all the people related to BB. I realized that was the group that made me feel more human.not a broken wreck. My class has been great as well (aside from a couple of others) but generally i've had great experiences with my class, and now that the chapter of poly is coming to a close soon, i look ahead and wonder whats to come. Somehow, "E" is somewhere in the future, i hope for it :(

Crying again

Just done crying again...and felt like i need to write stuff just to make myself happy

In order to show recognition to volunteers, agencies can have the options of informal and also formal forms of recognition. Formal forms can include appreciation luncheons or award ceremonies. Informal forms can be personal thanks or simple thank you cards.

Ok im joking. Been studying (surprisingly) just now...but anyhow one...just tried to cramp as much into my already dead and lovesick head in hopes that it will carry me thru the exams.

So after gaming just now...i was rotting around watching random videos when i suddenly had the urge to go stalk at "E" FB again. Surprisingly i cant becuz my backup access to "E" FB failed =.= now to go deal with it..but i was left with just seeing the "Unfriend" version, which only had pictures :( no status updates. But still, i went to click on some, saw "E"'s smile, and suddenly i died. For some reason these past few days of being so distracted from "E" finally caught up with me and slapped me in the face at full force. Furthermore on friday, i saw "E" as well. went for cell and "E" happened to be with my cell leader as well. The sight of "E" silenced me, and watching everyone talking to "E" and knowing that i cant killed me. Thankfully it was a short train ride, at first most of them was talking normally to "E" but after awhile they started talking among themselves. I saw "E" standing alone looking at the phone. Seeing "E" a little lonely reminded me of the past, how "E" always said i would never want "E" to feel lonely again. I never liked seeing "E" look lonely anyway, but in this situation, i cant do anything. I just stood there and watched as "E" stood alone. I hate myself for not being able to make him smile like last time.

Even worse was when we reached our station, "E" was heading further down the line so we hopped off. None of my other cell member said bye to him, which was weird. I was one of the last to leave the train and while we were leaving i heard "E" said "wow, bye guys" in a semi sarcastic tone. I know "E" well, "E" felt like we ignored "E" and i know "E" never liked that and will respond with this kinda tone. I turned by head halfway back and just said bye softly before leaving. I dont even know if "E" heard it, but i wanted "E" to know that i will always remember "E"'s presence.

All throughout that night i was haunted by "E"'s face. A mix of faces to be exact. seeing the lonely face, remembering the happy smile and also the sad crying face.(not to mention the occasional cheeky smile that usually comes with some dirty minded words :x ) I realized i've almost seen it all, and yet the one face i loved most was when "E" smiled, the genuine kind when i took care of "E", or made sure that "E" was happy. And now here i am, crying through this post, hoping that "E" would come back. Doesn't help that im listen to "I need a doctor", the one song that can make me cry, the one song that means something to me.

Well i guess im destined to be haunted by this for many more years to come. Some of my frens had to survive 8 over years. Im only a little bit past my first year. Maybe im waiting for the chance that "E" may come back. But for now i have no choice but to continue being killed by "E"

and my exams as well, which is tmr and the next 2 days after. I cant study or focus in this state. But i have no choice. The last stretch, i dont even care about ace or shit, i want to be done and over with studying.