Crying again

Just done crying again...and felt like i need to write stuff just to make myself happy

In order to show recognition to volunteers, agencies can have the options of informal and also formal forms of recognition. Formal forms can include appreciation luncheons or award ceremonies. Informal forms can be personal thanks or simple thank you cards.

Ok im joking. Been studying (surprisingly) just now...but anyhow one...just tried to cramp as much into my already dead and lovesick head in hopes that it will carry me thru the exams.

So after gaming just now...i was rotting around watching random videos when i suddenly had the urge to go stalk at "E" FB again. Surprisingly i cant becuz my backup access to "E" FB failed =.= now to go deal with it..but i was left with just seeing the "Unfriend" version, which only had pictures :( no status updates. But still, i went to click on some, saw "E"'s smile, and suddenly i died. For some reason these past few days of being so distracted from "E" finally caught up with me and slapped me in the face at full force. Furthermore on friday, i saw "E" as well. went for cell and "E" happened to be with my cell leader as well. The sight of "E" silenced me, and watching everyone talking to "E" and knowing that i cant killed me. Thankfully it was a short train ride, at first most of them was talking normally to "E" but after awhile they started talking among themselves. I saw "E" standing alone looking at the phone. Seeing "E" a little lonely reminded me of the past, how "E" always said i would never want "E" to feel lonely again. I never liked seeing "E" look lonely anyway, but in this situation, i cant do anything. I just stood there and watched as "E" stood alone. I hate myself for not being able to make him smile like last time.

Even worse was when we reached our station, "E" was heading further down the line so we hopped off. None of my other cell member said bye to him, which was weird. I was one of the last to leave the train and while we were leaving i heard "E" said "wow, bye guys" in a semi sarcastic tone. I know "E" well, "E" felt like we ignored "E" and i know "E" never liked that and will respond with this kinda tone. I turned by head halfway back and just said bye softly before leaving. I dont even know if "E" heard it, but i wanted "E" to know that i will always remember "E"'s presence.

All throughout that night i was haunted by "E"'s face. A mix of faces to be exact. seeing the lonely face, remembering the happy smile and also the sad crying face.(not to mention the occasional cheeky smile that usually comes with some dirty minded words :x ) I realized i've almost seen it all, and yet the one face i loved most was when "E" smiled, the genuine kind when i took care of "E", or made sure that "E" was happy. And now here i am, crying through this post, hoping that "E" would come back. Doesn't help that im listen to "I need a doctor", the one song that can make me cry, the one song that means something to me.

Well i guess im destined to be haunted by this for many more years to come. Some of my frens had to survive 8 over years. Im only a little bit past my first year. Maybe im waiting for the chance that "E" may come back. But for now i have no choice but to continue being killed by "E"

and my exams as well, which is tmr and the next 2 days after. I cant study or focus in this state. But i have no choice. The last stretch, i dont even care about ace or shit, i want to be done and over with studying.