ok but before that...i've been generally happy these past few days...yea surprise i know :P but i have really found what i should focus on in life...BB...i used to think that it will be weird cuz i'll always be mixing with ppl younger than me but i realized i have the primers, officers and teachers to foster closer bonds with. more importantly...we recognize each others worth and can work well together...and when its time to play..we play hard. like today, i went to play LAN with some of my boys plus one primer and officer. damn it was fun..but more importantly it was a good time and reminder to myself about where my life can be. Why should i be so focused on a life where its so poisonous...backstabs and shit when there is a great life here. I mean fine...my poly class has tons of great ppl, but there has always been a cloud of poison floating around
What was interesting is this, i did some self reflection and also on the class that i spent 2 years plus with. Well..they havent been bad..but not fantastic either. from the start i wanted neutral, to have no part in it..but somehow...naturally you will be drawn to one side...and unfortunately for me..i fell for it. I recently met a friend and we discussed a lot about it..about the poison in the class...where its from and how it spreads. i was telling her, lucky for me...i broke free from the poison, and found the real ppl. I have been with ppl who openly care for me, but behind close doors talk bad about me, insulted me. But all these time, i always had ppl who did not openly care for me, but behind my back has always been looking out, making sure im ok and all :) and im lucky that they surfaced and now i know. im really greatful for wad they have been doing all these times.so how about the old bunch, well nothings going to change as long as they dont change. my theory is this, im perfectly fine with pretending nothing happen..and even if i know the truth, im fine with letting it go...and so i treat ppl the same...and dont plan to change that.
But what i do plan to change is this, my focus in life should never be on ppl that doesnt want me. I always thought to myself that loyalty will win thru...want my answer now...NO...thats not true...i fell for something called blind loyalty...something that made me pay the price, but also taught me a valuable lesson. So from now on..you wont be seeing a justin that actively run to someone and ask if he/she is fine or if they are angry with me...nope...want be angry and stay angry...go ahead...as long as i know i've done my part...im fine...everything else is up to you.
but i guess sometimes saying is easy. i told myself this a long time ago, but on one of those school days,i saw that friend stoning at the corridor alone after i took a call, i pretended not to notice and was about to open the door back to class, i stopped for a few seconds...wondering if i should ask if he's ok...then i had that image of him replying"im ok" or "dont disturb me" and immediately i knew that im probably not wanted by him at that moment...so yea..i did pause and ponder..but i didnt return to my old self. Good or Bad..i dunno...but its adapting
Well so how about now...yes i still miss "E"...and yes i just went to "E" facebook to take a peek again...so cute <3 ..but="..but" :d=":d" :p=":p" a="a" and="and" at="at" back..but="back..but" be="be" between="between" bouts="bouts" but="but" div="div" enough="enough" even="even" fine="fine" focused="focused" for="for" forbidden="forbidden" getting="getting" going="going" guess="guess" having="having" helping.="helping." i="i" if="if" im="im" in="in" into="into" is="is" it="it" its="its" kinda="kinda" knowing="knowing" life="life" like="like" ll="ll" lonely="lonely" love...or="love...or" make="make" maybe="maybe" me="me" move="move" my="my" new...again="new...again" not="not" now="now" of="of" oh="oh" on..and="on..and" other="other" out="out" party="party" possible="possible" rather="rather" recently="recently" reckless="reckless" risk="risk" safe..and="safe..and" slowly="slowly" so="so" someone="someone" starting="starting" stay="stay" thats="thats" the="the" theres="theres" things="things" to="to" turn="turn" us..but="us..but" wad="wad" wait="wait" well..im="well..im" will="will" work="work" yet...stay="yet...stay">
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