Move on? I cant...

Well today is a tragic day, nearly cried in public, had to hide away, and in the end still tear-ed. Thankfully i had people to talk to if not i might have just killed myself.

  But first,the paper was ok today, surprisingly. and also the NS medical checkup went well, and i thot it was gonna be a good day ahead. But while on the taxi home, the taxi drove past "E" house, and i saw "E" at the bus stop with someone else. "E" had one hand over the other person's shoulder and they seemed quite happy, quite like a couple...

  I couldn't control myself, at that moment all that was in my head was that i lost all hope of having "E" back already, wanted to cry but couldn't. Had a close friend in the taxi as well but we were with someone else who i don't really know well. So i kept quiet till we left the taxi, and i tried to whisper what i saw to my close friend, she didn't receive the message and somehow at that moment, i thought of the image, thought of the past and couldn't control anymore,i ran off to the back alleys so no one could see me cry. Life is unfair when the people you care for most leaves you, and the torture when you see the person with someone else. That friend of mine called to check and i realized i really needed someone to talk to. At first i wanted to just go home and play games and forget everything but i realized i wasnt capable of it anyway. So i grabbed my bike, and cycled back to the busstop i saw "E". I wanted to see the other person, but i guess it didnt really made a difference to me. They were'nt there anymore and i just went to find somewhere to seat down

  I went through all the past messages with "E" and also the photo, the one and only one that is left of "E" and me...even as i read the past messages there were flaws in our relationship. However i guess i didnt really care. I was happy taking care of "E" and i didnt really need anything in return. But i guess thats not true either. I wanted "E"'s love as well, and kinda got it, but it was never a full love. I was an option, and happen to be the most available.

  So after talking a long long time with my friend (who effectively smacked me in my brain to knock some sense into me) i realized that there may be a future out there better for me. Its uncertain, but i know im ready. If someone better came my way, i know that if the relationship is going to be sincere and genuine, then i will also be ready to let "E" go. But until that person comes, im not ready to let go of "E". I like thinking about "E". and as my friend said, i liked to torture myself. sounds so sadomasochistic, but well, since when did love make sense? 

  A little part of me still hoped that what i saw was just a misunderstanding. "E" has always been a person who likes hugs and physical touch, so maybe that was just a gesture of friendship. I hope so, i have that irrational hope that "E" will come back. yea irrational cuz im hurting myself if i continue hoping, but i guess im willing to go through it, if it means that there is a chance of getting "E" back..

  Oh well, anyway tmr last paper of my life in awhile, then attachment. I really need to spend more time with my BB boys, and also all the people related to BB. I realized that was the group that made me feel more human.not a broken wreck. My class has been great as well (aside from a couple of others) but generally i've had great experiences with my class, and now that the chapter of poly is coming to a close soon, i look ahead and wonder whats to come. Somehow, "E" is somewhere in the future, i hope for it :(

Crying again

Just done crying again...and felt like i need to write stuff just to make myself happy

In order to show recognition to volunteers, agencies can have the options of informal and also formal forms of recognition. Formal forms can include appreciation luncheons or award ceremonies. Informal forms can be personal thanks or simple thank you cards.

Ok im joking. Been studying (surprisingly) just now...but anyhow one...just tried to cramp as much into my already dead and lovesick head in hopes that it will carry me thru the exams.

So after gaming just now...i was rotting around watching random videos when i suddenly had the urge to go stalk at "E" FB again. Surprisingly i cant becuz my backup access to "E" FB failed =.= now to go deal with it..but i was left with just seeing the "Unfriend" version, which only had pictures :( no status updates. But still, i went to click on some, saw "E"'s smile, and suddenly i died. For some reason these past few days of being so distracted from "E" finally caught up with me and slapped me in the face at full force. Furthermore on friday, i saw "E" as well. went for cell and "E" happened to be with my cell leader as well. The sight of "E" silenced me, and watching everyone talking to "E" and knowing that i cant killed me. Thankfully it was a short train ride, at first most of them was talking normally to "E" but after awhile they started talking among themselves. I saw "E" standing alone looking at the phone. Seeing "E" a little lonely reminded me of the past, how "E" always said i would never want "E" to feel lonely again. I never liked seeing "E" look lonely anyway, but in this situation, i cant do anything. I just stood there and watched as "E" stood alone. I hate myself for not being able to make him smile like last time.

Even worse was when we reached our station, "E" was heading further down the line so we hopped off. None of my other cell member said bye to him, which was weird. I was one of the last to leave the train and while we were leaving i heard "E" said "wow, bye guys" in a semi sarcastic tone. I know "E" well, "E" felt like we ignored "E" and i know "E" never liked that and will respond with this kinda tone. I turned by head halfway back and just said bye softly before leaving. I dont even know if "E" heard it, but i wanted "E" to know that i will always remember "E"'s presence.

All throughout that night i was haunted by "E"'s face. A mix of faces to be exact. seeing the lonely face, remembering the happy smile and also the sad crying face.(not to mention the occasional cheeky smile that usually comes with some dirty minded words :x ) I realized i've almost seen it all, and yet the one face i loved most was when "E" smiled, the genuine kind when i took care of "E", or made sure that "E" was happy. And now here i am, crying through this post, hoping that "E" would come back. Doesn't help that im listen to "I need a doctor", the one song that can make me cry, the one song that means something to me.

Well i guess im destined to be haunted by this for many more years to come. Some of my frens had to survive 8 over years. Im only a little bit past my first year. Maybe im waiting for the chance that "E" may come back. But for now i have no choice but to continue being killed by "E"

and my exams as well, which is tmr and the next 2 days after. I cant study or focus in this state. But i have no choice. The last stretch, i dont even care about ace or shit, i want to be done and over with studying.

To add or not to add

  hmm...been almost a week..maybe a few? cant rmb...haha well i told myself that one day i'll add that fren back...with a message..and very neutral one..but damn i havent got around to doing it...which surprises me..well maybe im grown up already...heh heh no more calling me kid :P

  ok but before that...i've been generally happy these past few days...yea surprise i know :P but i have really found what i should focus on in life...BB...i used to think that it will be weird cuz i'll always be mixing with ppl younger than me but i realized i have the primers, officers and teachers to foster closer bonds with. more importantly...we recognize each others worth and can work well together...and when its time to play..we play hard. like today, i went to play LAN with some of my boys plus one primer and officer. damn it was fun..but more importantly it was a good time and reminder to myself about where my life can be. Why should i be so focused on a life where its so poisonous...backstabs and shit when there is a great life here. I mean fine...my poly class has tons of great ppl, but there has always been a cloud of poison floating around

  What was interesting is this, i did some self reflection and also on the class that i spent 2 years plus with. Well..they havent been bad..but not fantastic either. from the start i wanted neutral, to have no part in it..but somehow...naturally you will be drawn to one side...and unfortunately for me..i fell for it. I recently met a friend and we discussed a lot about it..about the poison in the class...where its from and how it spreads. i was telling her, lucky for me...i broke free from the poison, and found the real ppl. I have been with ppl who openly care for me, but behind close doors talk bad about me, insulted me. But all these time, i always had ppl who did not openly care for me, but behind my back has always been looking out, making sure im ok and all :) and im lucky that they surfaced and now i know. im really greatful for wad they have been doing all these times.so how about the old bunch, well nothings going to change as long as they dont change. my theory is this, im perfectly fine with pretending nothing happen..and even if i know the truth, im fine with letting it go...and so i treat ppl the same...and dont plan to change that.

  But what i do plan to change is this, my focus in life should never be on ppl that doesnt want me. I always thought to myself that loyalty will win thru...want my answer now...NO...thats not true...i fell for something called blind loyalty...something that made me pay the price, but also taught me a valuable lesson. So from now on..you wont be seeing a justin that actively run to someone and ask if he/she is fine or if they are angry with me...nope...want be angry and stay angry...go ahead...as long as i know i've done my part...im fine...everything else is up to you.

  but i guess sometimes saying is easy. i told myself this a long time ago, but on one of those school days,i saw that friend stoning at the corridor alone after i took a call, i pretended not to notice and was about to open the door back to class, i stopped for a few seconds...wondering if i should ask if he's ok...then i had that image of him replying"im ok" or "dont disturb me" and immediately i knew that im probably not wanted by him at that moment...so yea..i did pause and ponder..but i didnt return to my old self. Good or Bad..i dunno...but its adapting

  Well so how about now...yes i still miss "E"...and yes i just went to "E" facebook to take a peek again...so cute <3 ..but="..but" :d=":d" :p=":p" a="a" and="and" at="at" back..but="back..but" be="be" between="between" bouts="bouts" but="but" div="div" enough="enough" even="even" fine="fine" focused="focused" for="for" forbidden="forbidden" getting="getting" going="going" guess="guess" having="having" helping.="helping." i="i" if="if" im="im" in="in" into="into" is="is" it="it" its="its" kinda="kinda" knowing="knowing" life="life" like="like" ll="ll" lonely="lonely" love...or="love...or" make="make" maybe="maybe" me="me" move="move" my="my" new...again="new...again" not="not" now="now" of="of" oh="oh" on..and="on..and" other="other" out="out" party="party" possible="possible" rather="rather" recently="recently" reckless="reckless" risk="risk" safe..and="safe..and" slowly="slowly" so="so" someone="someone" starting="starting" stay="stay" thats="thats" the="the" theres="theres" things="things" to="to" turn="turn" us..but="us..but" wad="wad" wait="wait" well..im="well..im" will="will" work="work" yet...stay="yet...stay">

Close call

Yeapz...a damn close call..but its not over yet

Im at the risk of having someone find out abt me..the thing abt me that not many ppl know...and some ppl really must never know, becuz i dont know how they will react...or wad will happen yet.

I dont deny..theres many sides of me...however it doesnt mean im lying to a certain grp of ppl, rather its like showing only a part of myself and not the full self.

ppl in poly knows me a lot more, becuz some of them slowly found out the real me..this was something i couldnt control. and now that they found out, im surprised their reaction wasnt big or negative..in fact i even slowly showed more of my "real" self with them, becuz they dont judge, they dont hate and they didnt ostracize me. I wouldnt say im confortable fully with them..but i would say im happy that they didnt leave me.

However there are other places that cannot know that side of me...and unfortunately one of it is my favourite place, BB. Unfortunately, no matter how close i am to them, they can never know that side of me. The side of me i give in BB is just the positive side, happy, cheerful, caring. that is really wad i want them to know of me...i show all these to the poly side as well..but just that they were more accepting. I dont think the BB ppl will ever accept it...and i dont wanna risk it either. I dont want to deal with the misconceptions or fear...and i dont want them to see me in a different light. They are all still young, maybe even not mature enough to handle the information. maybe thats why. In poly, most of them are matured and able to think more rationally, but in secondary school..it can be a different story.

Close friend? how about them. well they probably get the fullest version of me. but it depends on whether they know the true me or not...that i leave it up to them to slowly figure out. As for those who already know, im glad that i can still call them frens.

hmm...seems like im going to have to tread lightly these few days, i know myself well, i accidently slip up information very easily, especially when its myself and to a person im close to. I dont want to risk  it...and end up losing friends or being hated.

"E"...wish you were back with me...i never had to hide anything from you...you always had the true and fullest me

Always centered around my BB boys

That's my motto...at least that's how i work in BB. Be it their development academically, socially, discipline or just building bonds, what i do is always for the boys. and today even though i am met with the terrible news, there were little diamonds among those shit! and that is that i have found ppl that share my sentiments.

so summary, BB 10th anniversary is coming and the primers, plus me (since i constantly remind myself i'm not a primer) have been working hard in our own ways to make it good. but trouble started when we were deciding emcees. initial plan was the have one boy and one primer be an emcee. however the choice they made, the candidate for primer didn't seem too willing. so we decided to head of and find alternatives. and luck would bring us one boy who was enthusiastic and willing to be an emcee. he took initiative to ask us and we knew he could do it. We agreed. However, ok this part perhaps its our mistake for not informing the upper ups. so for this i dare admit. however we brought our case to them, stating reasons and explanations. we were strong on this...and was very confident as well.

but what happened? we can BS replies like "the platform is too big for just sec 1 boys to handle" EXCUSE ME? i would dare say those 2 sec 1 boys are better emcees than ANY one of you...i've seen them...their confidence on stage, tone, language were all good. and definitely better than some of you upper ups. if thats not a convincing enough explanation, is this not an excellent platform for them to grow. You all jolly well know their talent.. you CHOSE them to be emcees before. and here we have a big event, an excellent way for them to build on their already rather strong talent. Please dont get me wrong, i understand your agendas...im just questioning your rationale behind it. yes its a big event and trust may be better placed on primers, however i have confidence in those 2 boys, how about you? you are all so engrossed about making the event good, epic and flawless, i question if you are making the event for the image of BB or for the boys?  Dont forget...this is the Boys brigade anniversary. and dont you dare tell me its for the ex boys or something. those ppl have NO idea the challenge of moulding these "new age" teenagers. back in their days they were obedient and respond well to scolding...it doesnt work as well now..i've seen evidence. so im sorry...if you didnt come back to walk this journey like me and my other primers, then you jolly well sit and just enjoy all the effort THE BOYS have put in for this day. They learnt day after day to perfect their moves, primers and officers met late into the night to plan for this, so be good AUDIENCE and enjoy.

ok weird...but i've never been on good footing with ex boys who didnt come back..especially those who comes back with their comments on how things have changed...but that aside...my point is, we as primers should have our actions guided with the principle of best interest of our boys. come on even in socialwork we have best interest of a child, and those boys should also have this privilege. yes we can satisfy the whole world...but we can do to the best of our abilities.

ok enough ranting..im going passive (as always) and just follow thru...im not giving up on this fight..becuz its not fair for that one boy who had so much initiative and confidence...he is my junior...and i'll continue fighting for him...like what i'll do for any of the boys.

Looks like old habits really die hard

Oh guess what...it appears that i officially lost a friend on Facebook.

Haha weird...cuz it was so nostalgic...around a year ago...i was typing a person's names out to check on that person..only to realized im no longer friends, i smsed the person, and got the worst news of my life..the news that made me who i am today.

SO wads so nostalgic...well i just went to facebook, thought of someone and typed the persons name out just to check on that person, guess what...not friends. those 5 seconds, sudden pain the the chest, worry, panic and curiosity...exactly the same as one year ago. just different person, and kinda different status..one was a friend and one was much more...but the effects were the same.

It never easy to lose a friend i guess...but one junior once told me "you need to learn to let go". well i told her i don't want to...becuz some ppl are important..well she did scorn a little at me...but still i stayed true..and it did improve..but really what i learnt from that is simple, playing this kinda social games, sometimes if the other party holds the reins...let them hold it...no point taking control over it...you can put in the effort...but it would be in vain..go with his flow...(which i just realized isnt that wad all guys in relationships do...go with their girls flow?...lol random) but still...sometimes gaining control over a situation is not exactly the best method...let time be the judge of an outcome.

having said that tho..it doesn't mean i wont miss this person, nor the ROYAL JACK IN THE ASSHOLE one year ago...things like this wont change..to me its kinda simple for me..once you're my friend...i wont abandon you..on any circumstances.

So what am i gonna do? well im going to be myself...but not as bad as i was last time..im still going to try and get that friend back..but no as aggressively as it was before...one attempt, a friend request attached with a message...and that's it..everything else...its up to him...

sometimes i wonder...cuz i know..my loyalty to my ex is the very reason why im pained right now...even tho its been so long, and "E" has treated me so badly (among good of course)...im still loyal to "E", "E" told me to wait for "E" to come back...and im going to wait...wait until everything really is lost before i move on...well...i dunno if this courtesy can be extended to friends or not...maybe it will..maybe loyalty will kill me again, but i believe loyalty will win it thru as well (oh gosh an optimistic me...im on drugs i tell you :D)

oh oh one last thing...UNISIM still sucks ,,!,,

Been a long long while

Well not really long..but been awhile since i posted..and after last night..i think again i need to write to get my moods outta me. but with so many things tow rite..and my nasty habit of jumping all over the place..i think for once i'll be more systematic

The Alphabets- those who are important or "important" in my life but identity should be left unknown

"E"- Yea i knew this was coming...why? well cuz i was dumb enough to go for combined cell last sunday...and i saw "E", heard the voice, the smile...and it just broke me. I entered that state of silence and sadness...knowing that i once had "E" but now im alone. Worse was i found out that "E" had a crush on a new person, and that easily killed me. Does that mean i lost the waiting game, i patiently waited for "E" to come back..but now..looks like my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.  I miss the times tho...i really want "E" back in my life. I realized i cant live normally without "E" anymore.

"G"- Well lets just say...gone...kinda expected...or maybe "G" has just been busy these past few days...but we stopped talking..and there goes another person that i somewhat can openly talk to. the loss is not that big since i never actually met "G" in real life..but it still hurts to lose someone

"J"- ooo new alphabet...who could this be...well unlucky that it had to come to a point where "J" had to be "alphabetized" by me..but what to do. You abandoned me...like how "E" and "G" did...and even tho we are just regular friends, it still hurts that you decided to leave and abandon me. "J" has always been a good person..i know it even tho almost the whole world thinks otherwise...but i guess i was the victim all along. recently heard from someone that "J" has actually been backstabbing me the whole time...been a 2 faced bastard and was bad mouthing me all along. you know what...thank goodness my heart has already gotten used to the fact that you left...cuz knowing this would have pained me...but you in deep shit...cuz if im not hurt my something like this...the only other emotion left is something that you don't want to encounter...you could be the 3rd person to have to sit thru what i have in store for you...BUT...doing so would have made me as bad a person as you..and i wont...because even after finding out all this, im still willing to cling on to the friendship. When i make promises to stay loyal i do my best to keep it...like for "E" as well. So even tho half our mutual world has already given up on you, some dont even care...but i wont...however i've taken a more passive role in your life...i decided that being actively concern about you has never helped...and im human too...not a well of holiness...so im sorry..i cannot just blindly let you hurt me over and over again and you dont even know it..or maybe dont even care...but it doesnt mean i've given up on you or im not going to be here for you...you can continue to trust in your "new" friend...oh you have no idea what you got yourself into..i would warn..but like i say...a passive role in your life..i shall simply watch and adapt.

So thats about all the alphabets i have in my life now...sad.

But how about some happys...no matter how small they are...i still find that its SOOOO important that im lucky to have these.

Lets start with my class outing...i was so happy that edward and QC made it..and had some fun too. It was really a night of craziness and senseless-ness. of which all i enjoyed. I guess im lucky for one thing. i've never been too close to the girls..perhaps cuz of past conflicts between guys and girls..may have influenced me..but im lucky to have the chance to know them better...cuz it knocked some sense into me..there are ppl that care for me...and i have been so blinded to that fact..but now i see them...and here are some of them that i do not have to hide their names becuz im proud to call them friends.

ZX: heh heh new friend...who i also dont think knows i have this blog, but in a weird occurance you happen to read this..thank you too. I know i only really got to know you for 2 days maybe? but you have shown me that i was wrong to judge a person without knowing her more. You have been a great listening ear...and im lucky i didnt fall into the trap that many others managed to escape...haha kinda confusing hor :P even im confused..so ignore that. but really thank you for listening to me...and you have no idea how surprised i was that you knew abt me all along...but then again...humph :P the source wasnt exactly as expected #betrayed :P

BAMS: for always having the time to spend with each other. Nothing made me happier when we had that random dinner on thursday (with the awesome FUS ROH DAH wind). really reminded me of how long the friendship has lasted and how long more it will last. however i wont lie...even know some of these bonds are tested..thankfully these are personal fights in my heart and past that i have to graple with myself. but i intend to do the right thing.for you guys as well :)

BB: kinda weird that this is on the list, but damn who would have guessed i was once the person that tried my best to make things difficult for this CCA. But BB has been a great addition to my life. I've met interesting ppl, crazy ppl and downright funny ppl. that really is the joy pill i have in life. however now at this stage im also again in a crisis, officer or no? most of my boys have pestered me to sign on..but i have doubts...i dont want to sign for something that i do not expect. im worried things change...but i hope not. at the end of the day, the rapport and development of the boys is what i always strive to achieve, and that will always stay true.

finally the kiddos in the student care, who are the major happy pills for me. they are the reason that i can still be confident in myself. that i can feel like im somebody to someone. and that alone makes all the difference in my life. and in return, i want them to have someone that they can trust, or look up to, a mentor and friend that they can rely on. I wanna see all of them grow up to be great ppl, especially since most of them are such great ppl already.

well...thats abt it i guess...all in all...unfortunately "E" has the most impact on me...but im lucky to have pockets of joy in between to keep me going...i dunno what im going to do now,but i trust that as time goes, perhaps fate will either bring "E" back, or bring someone new to me..after all..i already have 2 person that i sorta like...one is a silly girl i knew for a long time, while another is pretty new and just caught my heart...however...until "E" is out of my head..im not going to risk their own wellbeing by getting together but having my mind on "E".

5th september...

Its finally here...one year...been so long

I guess im quite prepared also...i have a whole day worth of distractions planned just so i can get over today at least...and i know its not enough because its just gonna get worse as the days go by..but i don't have much of a choice...im still waiting...maybe a miracle will happen? but for now im just more in the mood to think back to all the happy times i had together

I miss talking to "E". After hearing about stories of other couples...i kinda wish we succeeded as well...live happily ever after...but somehow a little part of me also knew it wouldn't have happened. But i miss having you...who can listen to me..understand me, ok although sometimes you are a douche :P but still weird thing is that it never affected me...you really were special...and FUCK this post..i find having to dodge and circle around the writing a pain in the ass...im just gonna end this right here and go somewhere else to write...so for now...hopefully later i'll have a good enough distraction and be done with the day...and then continue to survive the days to come...maybe another year...maybe 8 years..or maybe just 1 more day...who knows...

Its been awhile...

Been awhile since i last wrote anything...well cuz i have been effectively keeping myself busy with games (ok and school work) and its somewhat working out...but as august comes to a close and September looms closer..i realized again that my life is at risk of another bout of sadness.

Well lets start with the most pressing thing first...5th september...its coming...and im probably gonna kill myself if i cant survive through it..well maybe not...there's lots of things holding me back...but i haven't been able to talk abt stuff or just share my burden or load...so all these things has been bouncing all over my head. Well i have been lucky to have 2 classmates frm my FYP group...2 person that i never expected to get closer to but im glad i did...they made me feel much more "normal" and sometimes i even open up to them to talk a little more. It does help (God im such a girl =.=) when i talk to people, sharing helps to ease the pain somewhat.

So how about my old confidant? He's gone with the wind :P no la...but i realized i've been pestering him too much abt my problems for these past year...and now that he has his own issues to go thru...i shouldn't be disturbing him...although the only person that i do feel most comfortable talking to is him, i still have to hold back no matter how much i want to talk. Recently he just told me that he's going to disappear for awhile...well the old me would have panicked, feel sad about it and start asking too many question. I realized thanks to him i also changed a lot...my heart is no longer as soft as last time (well for others i think its still quite soft) and honestly i know that when he says "disappear", he's still going to be playing games and thru that...will still end up having people to talk to abt games...so im not as worried about him "disappearing and not talking to anyone" cuz i know its probably not happening...maybe that's why i can calmly just let it go. But still...it will be nice to have the old times where i can just chatter about that jerk to him and even though there's no advice or anything..it just feels good to have someone listening

Speaking of listening, there has been another classmate that has been really sweet to me, she has been super concern with me and has been sending encouraging messages. I feel like confiding to her but honestly...i dunnno how she will react. I had plans to meet her for supper one day...and even if i dont share, at least it would be a good catch up session. I find that she is really a highly misunderstood person...and honestly i appreciate her company a lot (aaaannndd then i'll be called a traitor or spy cuz i hang out with her....guys...sometimes i have to agree that guys, myself included can be so immature)

and finally, my dear "G" who has proven to me that people in chatrooms can be honest as well (1% of them only though) I think its almost a few months already and we are still talking :) "G" makes me feel like im somebody and really a super unique person. But as usual, trust with me is a very difficult thing and i find it hard to trust people. Im still worried that "G" is just faking it...i dunnno...but as of now..im glad we talk...i dont really share too much with "G". After all i haven't even met in person yet, but still, its nice to have someone older to talk to. not to mention that "G" still treats me like a little kid :P

since we are on the topic of "Single-Letter-Alphabets-Representing-Important-People-In-My-Life-But-Identity-Have-To-Be-Kept-Secret"...lets not forget "E", havent been seeing that donkey for quite awhile, mostly fleeting, but "E" has been visiting my mind a lot more often these days...maybe again its the 5th september coming, and a wee part of me is kinda wishing that on the 5th september i will get a call frm "E" saying that "E" is coming back to me...well...im in a fantasy i guess...but i find myself longing for a lot of old times to come back...back then it was so much happier...so much less alone.

Buuutt! im lucky :) Been getting a lot more frm BB these past few days. got super close to some of my year 1 boys and they were all pestering me to become an officer, so that i would be able to join them in future for overseas trips and all...i wa really touched by what they said because i know that to them im somebody. Furthermore they were also pestering me to follow through with them thru all 4 years. My role in BB was always for the past 3 years, to initiate the year 1s into the BB culture...i have been taking 3 year 1s batches so far...and this batch is the one that im closest to, and also the batch that has made me feel such a huge sense of achievement. they were asking me to continue teaching them next year..instead of moving back to the new year 1s...they kept suggesting other primers to take the year 1s so that i can continue with them to year 2. Such a simple request made me feel so appreciated, and even though im tempted to agree, i do have a job to do. Anyway its not like im going to just abandon them...i'll still be there...just like im still there for my first batch of year 1s..who are now year 3s :) time flies.

Anyway i guess life is still lots of ups and downs...and i realized i didnt write anything abt unisim...well CUZ I DONT CARE! so i guess for now its really a lot abt distracting myself...and hope i dont take my life on the 5th september...and maybe...just maybe..slowly get over "E" (although i kinda like "E" visiting my dreams:P)

If only you were still with me...

If only you were still with me, we can share laughs together, we can cry together, hug, snuggle, smile, love, chatter, argue, bitch or even just day dream. I can still love you, take care of you, make sure your ok, make sure you go to school, or that your heart is not aching, make sure that your wrist is just fine and make sure your mornings to school wont be so boring...all of a sudden i miss those time.

So once again i find myself not being able to sleep. and after reading my friends blog and his post about happiness and how to handle being friend-zoned...i envy him. His positive attitude towards life and setback really made him different frm most people. (unfortunately his name...why couldn't you be called edwin? or emmanuel, or erandor?..not to say its a bad name though...its a DAMN good name :P)

But i guess after reading thru it i realized something...lucky you...you were friend-zoned...i wasn't even given the luxury...in the name of the "lord", i was forced to be apart, i was condemned for doing wrong (which i do not deny frm it) and "exiled", made to lose ALL contact and presence. That's the difference. To ask me to find joy in that seems like asking me to find fragrance in a pile of elephant droppings. If i was friend-zoned i would have been a happy cat right now...but it wasn't the case. I have been silenced and apart for 11 months now...and soon i can mourn the 1 year mark. I have this naive thinking that it might be over, but after accidently "stumbling" upon recent photos of said person, i feel that reality hit me again

i miss you

i still think of you

and i think i might still love you

i guess most of me wants a friendship back...maybe its too much to ask for the relationship back, since there are so many things against us. it was nice while it lasted...but i guess if its impossible, then friendship maybe? in the first place i was the one who wanted it to be a friendship, to end the relationship status, remain as friend. but in a blink everything turned against me and im the one at fault for everything, all because i was too damn loyal to my friends and didn't keep my mouth shut.

Back then, i was hell bent on having you as a friend..nothing more...but after we were forced apart...and during this 11 months...i realized a terrible repercussion, something nobody..including me ever anticipated..

It time to be truthful, all those times i said i miss you...a little part of me believed that i can get over you...and move on in life...i always believed that...but as the days and times go by...my desire and love for you somehow grew instead of diminished...in normal circumstances absence of someone makes a person slowly get over...true they may miss that person like mad, but after awhile the lack of presence simply makes the person fade away...so how come for me its not the case...how come as days go by..i realized i like you more and more...instead of saving me...this stupid plan is cursing me to love someone that seems like i will never get. Well the plan was to save you in the first place i guess...they were your family, your FUCKING pastor, your equally FUCKING church...all of them plan was to save you...oh dont worry about me...i'll be fine...im not part of the church anyway..just a random friend that comes on sunday...so dont worry...our flock of holy fucktards need to be cared for first...visitors second...yea thats right...you're beautiful plan worked damn well...it made the beneficiary a happier person...but it left me more broken, and slowly sinking.

Last sunday i realized (well after having "E"s parents sitting so proximally close to me -.-) how much shit i have gone through, and how much these assholes DON'T KNOW that i have to go through. I bet they believe im coping just fine...they always say "oh church is a place for everyone, and under the eye of the lord all are equal" and so they pretend to be nice and huge smiled people...shaking hands with me with their usual "good morning the lord bless you"...you'll be lucky if i dont blast at you...all i can do is give a weak smile and look away quickly...shaking hands as shortly as possible. you know what...doing that...giving me your smiles...makes me even more pissed...makes me feel that you are so fucking fake...that when you are in church you give huge smiles...but out of church you hate me so much...fuck you...no fuck you all who are so fake...who faked yourself when you are in church.

that sunday was also the first time in awhile since i declined the communion, i realized that i am sick of calling myself a christian...fuck this...when my christian life started it was nothing but disaster..everything went downhill...the people who hurt me the most were christian, heck even the religious leaders damaged me with his stupid plans...look at him now...does he even care about me...he hasn't even asked about me since (ok maybe cuz i try to avoid him) but i mean point proven, why should you care? as long as your flock is fine..who is this random visitor to you? nothing...let him be collateral damage...I hate you...i hate you for ruining my life...i hate you for coming up with your plan..i hate you

so i decided not to take a bloody bread and cup..i decided at that point...i will not be a christian. Even in the latest form frm my lecturer for attachment, when they asked for my religion...yes i hesitated and wanted to put christian, but in the end i put free thinker (well nearly put atheist). For this period i am not a christian...i am ashamed to call myself that..after seeing what these people do "in the name of god"

I told myself that i will give myself 1 month. all the way until the 5th september...the date where i received my last message frm "E"... Simple...if there is a miracle during this period of 1 month...then yes, i will believe in this holy one again. I was thinking abt what i wanted...yes if "E" comes back to me of course i'll be happy...but i dunno...i dont even expect the relationship anymore...i just wanna be friends again...thats all im asking for...and im giving 1 month for it..but thats not the only thing..i realized that im giving so many chances...chances for myself to get back into this accursed community. i realized that there were so many things that could make me believe in god again...any one of those fuckers...pastor, parents, even the church members has this small little chance that they may accidently move my heart and make me come back. However my greatest desire is just the friendship back...a long shot i guess...but 1 month...i'll wait...when the next communion comes...i will either partake in it..or decline it...but once i decline it on that day...i will never partake in communion again...because at that time i would have given up on this community... in fact by 5th september if nothing has happened...i will not only leave the faith...but probably everything in relation to it...i might leave cell...i dont think i want to leave the people...because that is not fair for them...but any form of religiousity i will put behind...and return back to an atheist...because in the end...when i was an atheist..i was happy...when i was a christain, i was miserable.

Even thru all this...i actually wanted to talk to my cell abt it...but the people there...its a bad combi...3 of them are just all about fun...all abt play...and probably never take it seriously...and among these 3, 1 of them is  intertwined into my problems.. there is the cell leader..which is a good person..but i just dont know him well enough yet...there is a girl..which is such a sweet girl...but would never understand...becuz she is already too religious...the remaining 2 im not even close enough to comment. so in the end...i realized cell is not good enough an outlet. i love that cell...last week alex even prayed that the cell stayed strong and together...i was happy to hear that..but after the following sunday...i realized i may be the first to leave..i really dont want this to happen...in fact if i stopped going to church..i might still want to come for cell..as a free thinker of course...but i feel that cutting all ties seems to be the best method

Well...after all..christians believe that if there is a problem you should cut away all ties with the problem right...cut "E" away from me...so that "E" can be better...while not caring abt me? well you are right...if this religion is my problem...i will cut it away frm me.

5th september...wednesday..i know that at the end of that day..i will still miss you...i would probably still love you..and think abt you...lets just be friends...please...the thing i miss most is not the relationship...not the kiss or the laughs...the thing i miss most is you...you're entire person and being...not just one component...just like any of those who i consider as friend...you are one of them..and when i say i miss you..or if any of my friends...its not just about the talk or laughs or games...i miss them as a whole...and i miss you as a whole :'(

Guys are like this...

A girl once told me "Guys are like this one...they are there when they need you...and once its done, and they have something else on their mind, you are left forgotten. That's why so many people divorce, cuz guys found something else in life"

Well...she was actually directing this at some of the guys...the divorce thingy was just the analogy...but back then i told her that its not true...that guys are usually quite loyal in terms of friendship, and that they may not always be there...but if you need them they will definitely come. She then shot back at me by saying "do they come back cuz you're important? or because they are 'bound' by that loyalty"...at that point i was struck dumb. Honestly...i dunno...i never had that experience before. Most of my friends are guys...and MOST of them are there for me when i need them. so thats what i told her...and she told me that i was lucky...but when she looked at the friends i have that were guys...she told me to be careful...and that i might be proven wrong soon.

BITCH! you were right -.- you win.

well ok lets be fair (my pride and ego setting in) you're not all right...you cant blame a guy for having his own life...and wanting his own personal life...girls want their privacy too right? so if a guy has something else i his life of interest then of course he cannot give you the attention that he has given...and at this point im shooting myself in the foot...cuz i just realized that mindset is what makes a guy unfaithful...ok i shall shut up and admit defeat now :P

But then again...what if a guy can give attention to all those things...i know of a couple which is so awesome...classmates of course...but he is a major gamer...but the girlfriend (ok she's a gamer too, lucky them) is also quite ok. They are happy together and i think the guy also gives his gf the attention she needs. so it is possible to spend time with important people and still with your personal life. but then again...not every guy is as wonderful as him. i'll make a mental note to defend his name in case it gets shot by other girls.

speaking of relationships, i recently heard a heart stopping thing from my BB captain. he was teaching (preaching) to the boys and he mentioned the different level of friendships. The maximum level is actually soulmate. I was surprised cuz soulmate has always been a term i attach to wife or husband...but he said a soulmate can be a friend that knows you so well that he/she does not even need you to say it, and they know whats in your mind already. Its an interesting concept...but i highly doubt many friendships can be at that level.

But why do i care? guys will always be shallow bastards that can be so fake that they are almost unseen (yes that includes myself as well...not denying) but the difference sets in when the guy tries his best NOT to be that. maybe its weird..but somehow guys are just like this, the only thing they can do is try not to be so...blargh!

ok actually this post is getting rather weird...people might start thinking that i wanna go for a sex change or something :P no...im happy being a guy...but i wanna be a guy that can prove those girls wrong..that i can be a person that can feel, that isnt so shallow or fake...and is always there...i mean even now i think its not too bad...ok fine when im gaming i tend to ignore my phone...but i sometimes still try to reply while playing :P or when im sleeping, i also try to reply even though i feel like throwing my phone aside...well unless i really fell asleep liao la..that one different story :P

hmmm...but its interesting honestly..to see the different types of guys...even in BB..most of the guys i can predict is gonna grow up to be the cliche kinda guys...so maybe guys are really naturally like this...well...maybe some of them will change...hopefully :P

ok why is this post so messy...well for starters...i just realized something...1 MORE MONTH :( its 5 august today! one more month to the 1 year mark of stony silence...fuck :( not even sure if i can survive that day or not..maybe i'll copy my "suspected-suicidal friend" and attempt to end my life on that date or something..just so i dont have to suffer the next year..sians...or maybe i'll get lucky and miracles might happen...well whatever it is...i think im screwed for this month of august...at least until i recover frm this heartache :(

Adventure Camp

What an awesome camp...it was an EXCELLENT break from all the poly life and fyp and uni stuff and all...just back to secondary school cca...and just having a great time working with the youths...but more than that..they are my friends, my younger brothers that im am happy to take care of :)

Well it actually started on a bad note...really bad note...but its the usual...i saw "E"...from a distance...i did my bestest to ignore...and soon with the start of BB my mind was back in focus...the year 1s had archery and i was with them...was fun to see some of them try shooting the bow...and one of them even had a bow that's taller than him...of course i couldn't stop making fun of him...I even had the chance to shoot and after a few bad shots...finally got the yellow zone that i was targeting for...now my bows wont keep saying that i can't "Shoot" properly...honestly for a bunch of year 1s their minds are filthy :P one even told me that his "semen can cure cancer" sometimes i dunno whether to laugh or be shocked :P

After archery 2 of my boys insisted on coming to my house to play games...so i allowed them...one promptly flopped on the bed while the other attacked the computer...I had to let them try playing the horror game, slender and one of my boys lucas was so scared after taking a few steps only and he gave up :P after that we went for lunch before heading back to the start of camp

At this part i heard a shocking story...i heard that the 2 boys were planning to transfer school...the form was even sent already...problem with me is that i get very attached to each of by batch of year 1s...thats why no matter how naughty or gangster or rebellious they are...i always leave a space in my time for them...and my devotion to their growth as my priority...to hear that they wanna quit cca...or quit school...or even transfer out...is quite a pain for me...i was sad to hear that to be honest...but i've decided to let fate decide whether they stay or leave...i will be losing 2 of the boys which im close to...cuz if lucas goes then elliot goes as well...those 2 are like peas in a pod :P hard to separate one :P

Anyway lets not think too much sad stuff...at camp my main job was as usual to help out in any of the ways i can and my first job was to help out with map reading and knot tying...but since lucas was so scared of the slenderman i kept scaring him by saying scary stuff abt slenderman stalking him...and in revenge he said he wouldn't share his braise peanuts with me (he knows i love it cuz i went crazy when i saw that he brought it)...so our slenderman vs braised peanuts battle continued almost thru the lesson :P

map reading was normal i guess (boring in my eyes cuz i hate it :P) but knot tying was fun...i allowed some of my boys to spam tie my hands together and i will escape with purely my fingers and not including mouth or other surfaces...was fun and thankfully i could escape all the knots :P After that session it was basha pitching...that one i sat out of it...and instead helped to prepare for the field cooking dinner. We had Clarissa on board with us...was cool cuz she was the only primer that was a girl...and she has a very strong stance and approach to things..which goes both ways honestly...but i know her heart is true to the "advancement of christ kingdom among boys and the promotion of something something reverence, respect and all that tends to a true christian manliness" (What the hell i still almost remember the object of BB O.O too much teaching does that to you)

Throughout the whole discussion was another disaster for me...i kept seeing "E" being adorable as usual...kept running around with frens and laughing...heart SHATTERED! but fuck it i guess?

So after much thinking and planning we started off the field cooking...was funny to see them cook pasta...PASTA! no joke for the first time i see pasta as field cooking food for camp...awesome them. There were huge fires...a burning mass tin...burning vege...a burnt finger of mine (i was the one doing most of the lighting of fuel) but in the end..their meals stood ready...and of course i was beside lucas sharing his braised peanuts :P but only awhile cuz i had chicken rice waiting for me as dinner...but lucas actually came over and brought the peanuts to me instead cuz he knew i liked it...haha so cute sia this kids...they really have huge hearts and really appreciate others :) im extremely proud of all of them...even the naughtier ones cuz for every weakness or defiance they show there is always a redeeming quality if people are willing to search for it.

But after dinner was bad..i realized that the night hike route was &%$* beyond anything..not cuz it sucked...but it was dangerous...i know yishun well and at night...seletar dam is a gathering place for gangs and also street racing...and they expected our boys to cross the dam and come back...my heart was filled with worry...i actually went to each senior and reminded them to take care and control the boys...not to attract attention to themselves...and even prayed a prayer for their safety. (Yea i prayed...now you know how important each of them are to me)

So the hike went not too bad...there were lots of animosity in the group i was with...3 boys were extremely rebellious and simply did whatever they want...and as usual...i take the back seat row and observe how things were handled...and here is where assessment and all the social worky stuff came into use...i watched as their squad leader tried to shout them in place...failed...their squad members pestering them to walk togther...failed...even one of the sir running at lest 200 m to catch up with him asking him to stop and trying to talk to him...failed...to the point whereby i couldn't take it anymore. we were at a pit stop and they were not allowed to buy drinks...but 2 of them insisted and said "sir only what...scared him for what" and headed off to the shop...i ran up to them did some convincing...i didn't have to say much...these boys were the first batch of year 1s i took as a helper in 2010...so i know them rather well...i simply said in chinese "please dont make my position difficult...you know i try my best to see that everyone is happy but its hard for me when you all are doing this cuz i am not in full control cuz im just a helper here" just a simple sentence and they replied "we also dont want to make you feel bad..but sir always like this then (insert vulgarity here)" but in the end..they listened to me and didnt even enter the shop to buy and just went back to the squad...

this is the simple reason why im so nice to them...one of the primers asked why im always so nice to the boys...i would have gave him the answer but it might be to technical...my general rule of thumb with youth is this...do not look at them frm a top down perspective...put yourself at their level...talk as if you're one of them...they may not like you..then earn their respect...once you have achieved that...no matter how rude they are to you...they will always still respect you...because they know that you have been sincere and consistent with them...and to male youths loyalty can be a big thing...i have used the same method to teach all 3 of my year 1s batch and results have always been similar...last year's gangster even thought that i was a gangster cuz of the way i talked with them and all...you really have to earn their respect..once thats done so many of your work with them would be so easy...even now those gangster...one of them is suspended frm school already but he still calls out my name with a huge smile when he sees me..and we can still talk for super long if time allows...such is the rapport that i always build with my year 1s...because starting young means that if you succeed...it will last them for the remaining years and even past that.

However i guess people have different style...and thats why im a helper..i do not wanna be in the system and be expected to shout and scream like a dog...as a helper i can use my own methods...as long as at the end of the day the job is done right...and my image does not demand me to put a fierce face...i rmb one of the boys asking me..why you wanna come back BB....i told them that being with all of them made me feel real and myself....

So obviously i didnt sleep the whole night...as usual...first i spent so much timing convincing 2 of my rebellious boys not to jump over the gate to go to frens house to take things...and instead ask the  fren to pass to them thru the gate...this is also another thing abt the rapport with boys...the amount of things i hear frm them is astounding...most of their complains they tell me in hopes that either i can just listen to them or if i can do something to address the issue...they will trust to tell me things that they are abt to do wrong...so i always have an advance early warning system that tracks most of the negative movements and plans of the boys...allowing me to intervene as much as i can..and not bringing in other authority when not necessary...another section of my time was spent talking to the 3 rebellious boys and soon convincing them to go to sleep...only after that was my job really done and i headed down to join clarissa and some of the primers for prata...there we had a good catching up and bonding session with lots of laughs. then we headed back and i had a super long talk with clarissa abt BB and her future here...was enlightening...but more importantly...the classmate i had for 4 years in sec school is now my "colleague" in bringing BB forward in our own ways...it was great :D

Well after the boys woke up....oh and i woke lucas up well...i whispered into his ears "the slenderman is coming run!" his eyes popped open immediately and i started laughing...and he started whacking me in revenge :P but the boys were extremely tired and lethargic...but thankfully we ended fast and the camp ended

Honestly this was one of the most fruitful camp for me...in terms of the things i have learnt and reinforced in my work with youths...yes my methods may not be liked by others cuz its too soft...but my goal in BB and focus is the boys development and their experience in BB...both of which i can help...and i will...my work here is satisfying...and much more rewarding in the process as well...i ever regretted returning to help BB...im happy here :) 

Will you be the one?

Met someone new at the IRC today...

Well yea...IRC means i was lonely today...but i guess its a good thing i did go in eh? if not i wouldn't have met a new acquaintance...to simplify things with my naming traditions..this person shall be called "G" :P


so i was hopping into the IRC...and really the moment i entered someone opened a private chat with me...the usual ensues...intro...seeking and all this stuff...the person asked for my msn...which i gave and then our convo shifted to msn...so over there was more small talk...i realized "G" was really sincere..."G" wasn't the kind that was just looking for sex...well sure in the end "G" admitted that "G" was horny and thats why "G" went there...but "G" was genuinely worried that i would form a bad impression of "G". "G" kept asking me if i hated "G" cuz "G" was horny and asked things frm me...but i know that "G" was sincere about a friendship as well...something that is lacking frm IRCs..so honestly i wasn't at all angry with "G"...another thing abt "G" was that "G" was a very focused person...when talking to me...i know "G" was always present in the convo...replies were super fast and "G" always knew how to keep convo going...we shared some things abt ourselves...but due to my issue with trust i didnt really trust "G" with almost everything...yea i told "G" abt my past and some of my life...but still...i just met "G"...so slowly ba :P


But one of the most significant things "G" did...which surprised me big time...we exchanged numbers...and before "G" went to sleep "G" sent me a good night message..something which i ever expected in my life frm someone in IRC...i was really happy...i knew "G" was different...at least what appears on the outside...honestly i dunno if "G" is really genuine...i really do hope "G" is..if not...well...i always have "E" to haunt me...

5th september....

Oh great...the days slowly creeping up on me...and i know this due to the lack of sleep, flipping of old photo, memories of the past, and dreams of a "Future" (An impossible future)

Well been busy with things...yea really...in order to survive thru this period i told myself to immerse myself in tons of things to keep busy and stay alive...and honestly not easy..becuz when my mind is attacked by "E", nothing else matters...no amount of animations, shows, games or activities can help it.

Well honestly its still good that im living my dreams of making animations, it helps keep my mind of things and also gives some of my life back frm FYP. been making minecraft animations and playing around with animating techniques...all super fun.

However today i experienced something which i probably never felt before...i was at a wedding when all of a sudden...i was filled with immense sadness frm the fact that my future is so uncertain...marriage? for me? i wonder...marriage with "E" is definitely out of the question, and since my heart is still stuck and not ready to move on..what will happen to my future? will i be single? will i finally find someone else? i realized how much i dont know abt myself and also my future...and at that moment it just hit me what a loser and failure i am...others are probably gonna have a simple time during this phase of their life while i struggle against things that are out of my control. I really dunno what to expect now...and that thought really dampen me down to so many levels..i was supposed to learn more animation techniques but my mind just isnt at the state to do that

I was supposed to talk to my fren abt this..but i realized that i shouldnt...why should anybody care abt it...they will never understand how hard it is..to them im just another normal teenager who just have a tougher time...they wont know the amount of thought i go thru just for myself and the amount of dissonance i have to struggle everyday...

3rd's a charm?

Well...today i committed my third betrayal...wait before you get sniping...its one of those "I have to betray you cuz im loyal to another person" type...so whether im wrong or not is up to anyone's judgment, but for me...i blame myself...as usual...as always.

Well lets start with the very first one shall we...which involves the infamous "E"...well i had to betray  "E" because i was loyal to "E" brother, and honestly i do treasure my friends above almost all else. Obviously "E" wasnt happy...and i was plagued with the guilt for long enough. those were also the first times where i tried cutting myself...courtesy of "E"s habits...it was more of a symbolic thing for me...kinda like punishment? twisted yea..but cuts are never deep...cuz honestly i a bit no balls one la...pain a bit can...too much cannot...never knew how "E" can have 6 deep cuts so easily

Then the second time...lollers thankfully this one wasnt too serious...how do i know that? well cuz i myself cant really rmb the exact details...i know it was recently...i might even have blogged about it...but im too lazy to search...but i know that as usual, i have to tell my friend things which i was told not to tell him...but i still did cuz i made the promise not to keep things frm him

Then today, well long story short...things happened...I heard about somethings that were going to happen to him (it was for his ow good, but breaches his trust), I was not in favor of it but cuz i had 2 against me so i told them that if that is what they feel is right (which they do, and also right) then go ahead. I wanted to keep silent abt it but i know my friend well...he would not have taken kindly to it...and so i went to tell him what happened. This time for the first time i experienced something, doubt, I doubted myself as to whether i should say..but too late..the moment i open my mouth..it was too late for me to change my mind...i would have the info wringed out of me anyway...and in the end i said it...and as expected the reaction was bad...real bad...confrontation soon ensued and while it all took place, i was struggling with myself as to whether what i did was right...and as usual i knew i should have kept quiet...and not said anything...these are the times when staying loyal make me doubt my policy...abt whether its right...am i too focused on the person that im loyal to? people once said that you don't need too many frens but once you do find them staying loyal is impt. Im not sure

But the one thing that troubled me most was...did my loyalty really meant anything to anyone? at the end of the day am i just a passing phase...is it cuz i dont have a pussy? so my care and concern are immediately lowered or reduced? or issit cuz i just appeared fake and scheming, or maybe just no trust at all...or thinking that the trust i give is fake.so many options that ran thru my mind...organizing emotions were so difficult. I was sad...that i had to betray someone, and that my friend was in such a state, ( lol he need a doctor ;) )...on the other hand im somewhat in a good mood cuz i know that i did the right thing, at least to him cuz i stayed true to him...but then when i think of that i wonder if it really matters? will i end up as a passing phase...or does he really appreciate my loyalty...cuz at the end of the day...i seem to always take second standing to another person..no matter how much i try to prove my loyalty...i will always be thrown into the light of doubt suddenly...and especially recently that i've found out that a grp of people that i did trust did not trust me at all...it was a hard shock for me...that i have been doubted...i cant blame them they have their reason...and so in the end...all i can do is to trust them...again...as usual im on the bottom of this "mind game" food chain...where im always the one adapting and people playing..

i guess at the end of the day...if i do sort things out properly...i should be happy that i stayed loyal...that is one thing that i take pride in...and i should not regret my choice...however it doesn't mean my action was right to other parties...and so in that sense i should be ashamed as well...my only worry now is that the party i betrayed...has always been close to that friend...and what if one day...they all leave me...then my sacrifice today was in vain, somehow thats a scenario im slowly trying to prepare myself for...i dont want it to happen...but right now..i dunno what can happen...anything can...but for now..im tired...drained...sick...weak...and once again finding myself longing for a comforting hug frm "E", or just any other person that was impt to me...but im destined to be alone thru my problems and i should be getting stronger for it

I need a doctor...

p.s. for the sake of simplicity "E" represents the person

Dr.Dre- I need a Doctor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m3vtWYCuMg

http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-need-a-doctor-lyrics-eminem.html

Some of you all who knows me well...should know that i'm not a song person...so how come i know this song...well someone special attached this song to me...told me that the song reminded the person of me...and that the lyrics was the exact situation we were in back then...and how true...But after "E" left me 10 months ago...I've never played or listened to this song again... up till now...and it brought me to the biggest emotional breakdown I've had because of this person.

"E" have this cute habit of attaching songs to important people in "E"s life...and "E" told me that this was the song attached to me...i was confused so "E" played the song and let me read the lyrics...i still rmb it was during a sleep over at "E"s house and we were lying down in front of the laptop playing that music...and as i read the lyrics i was in shock...it really was our situation, and almost exactly how we were.

But now that "E" has left my life, and that I've finally dug out some courage to listen to the song again, i cant help but rewind my mind to back then when we were listening to the song together and also analyzing it together.

It got interesting from stanza 4 onward. That was when "E" was explaining to me how this song was related to us. "E" talked about how i was different, and how i actually was nice to "E", did not see "E" as a nuisance or bother, always looking out for "E" and also never leaving "E" out of anything. "E" said it was like "breathing life into 'E' " and giving "E" something to be happy about. I rmb giving a smile and putting my hand over "E"s shoulder at that point.

Then hopping to stanza 7, "E" told me how during these times when its getting hard for both of us...how I was struggling with my issues of protecting "E" and also pleasing others...and how because of wanting "E" to be happy i had to trade my own happiness and get into more trouble. "E" told me that"E" felt bad that i was going through all these because of "E". What worries "E" most was that i was losing confidence in myself...and i told "E" that im not sure what im doing is right anymore. I began doubting myself and "E", just like how the sentence "You don't believe in you no more" went. I was slowing losing my ability to help him...

Then at stanza 8 shit really hits the fan..."E" told me how our roles have been reversed...how i used to be the one always helping "E" but now it seems like iIve traded my peace for his...now it seems like i'm going thru more than "E" and "E" is the one keeping my alive, being my "doctor". "E" talked about some of my rash decisions that i've made, and also decisions that we talked about, how i kept doubting myself and allowing "E" to make the decisions instead. I lost my will and confidence because of how things turned out (and side track, praying to God DID NOT fucking help at all)...the lyrics "Like i'm your leaders, your supposed to fucking be my mentor" showed how things have changed...and how I grown to rely on "E" in life.

"E" used stanza 9 to let me know how much things have passed...how i always believed in "E", always gave "E" confidence to make decisions..how I encouraged "E" to tell the truth to "E"s cell leader or friends..just like how "Everyone at the fucking label, lets tell the truth". Both me and "E" were labeled...but i always told "E" that if you trust the person then tell the truth. There was also about the career, in all essence "E" is my friend, but "E" was also my "client". and because of what happened i don't deny that i broke my code of ethics BIG time, and still life with the guilt today. the next line made both of us laugh actually..but its an inside joke ;)

As for stanza 10..."E" simply told me that "E" would not leave me in the lurch, because of how i did not leave "E" in the lurch. I was really moved by what "E" said..."E" told me how much "E" still needed me, how i was someone true to "E", and I promised "E" i would never leave, and would always be waiting for "E"...and even now..after 10 months..i still am.

As for the chorus, its as simple as it is...We both needed Doctors in our life, and each of us are each of our doctors :'(

and now, im crying like an idiot again...I lost my doctor...and i need a doctor...im still waiting for you "E", and as the 1 year mark comes...i don't know how long more i can hold out :'(

Chatrooms!

A bit of self disclosure here...i actually wanted to post this on my private blog one..but i guess its not that bad enough to end up there

So yea...i do go to chatrooms once in awhile...started off when my ex broke up...i needed someone to talk to...or maybe just a "replacement" person...not sure what..but it spured me to try and go into IRCs to chat...i usually refrained from doing so cuz of all the stories i've heard..but honestly..its not too bad..as long as you make sure you're not con into something.

Well so in all honesty...chatrooms really are dangerous places...most people in there are either looking for sex...or selling stuff...well the second isnt so bad..but sometimes you see the "unusual" stuffs and you know its a con job...but usually i only enter IRCs when im feeling lonely or down...both of which puts me in a dangerous position...but thankfully i never fell into any traps before :P

anyway what prompted me to make this post was cuz im in the IRC now :P haha well actually i didnt have any plans to but  after being "rejected" for a chat (honestly no hard feelings formed- in case you're reading this)...i had no one else to talk to so i bounced in...and guess what..was immediately ambushed by one of those "hi...intro" type...well im not gonna bother explaining what those types are...but trust me..its fake, boring, shallow and sometimes disgusting.

But thats not the point...the point is that im currently talking to a married person...and he's weird...he's has a wife but he's telling me abt how he sleeps around with other people still...so i ask him doesn't he feel bad or like doesn't he wanna settle down..and he told me that if he settles down then its no longer exciting or fun. I was disgusted...not only is he not being loyal to his wife...he still has the cheek to think that its fine and dandy...ugh

but i guess he does make one true fact...when you settle down you really gotta be ready..if not then better not...cuz you will end up hurting your partner. (ok intermission...seee....i just got another convo pop up asking if i would accept SGD2000 in exchange for some fun -.-)...well thats the kinda thing that happens in chatroom...anyway back to topic...so yea...i doubt im ready to settle yet...maybe my heart is still wandering around too much or something..but i know that if i wanna get into a serious relationship now..it might end in disaster...however it doesn't mean that i dont long for a companion..one that i can spend my life with...in fact i really really want that...but i have no idea why even with that longing i still know that i might be unfaithful...kinda contradictory..but i guess thats the whole idea abt being unclear...

oh well...im still in IRC now anyway...but also watching man vs wild in the process...so i guess thats gonna be my way of distracting myself frm my problems for today..

Lan-ing again

Ho Ho Ho

Im at my friends houz use...heh heh...all night gaming tonight..didn't plan to sleep...but not sure....later heading over to hong kah to go sentosa with my kiddos...cant wait...anyway my back hurts like shit now..

anyway everyone is asleep...and i cant...cuz tmr i got an early day...but also cuz someone keeps popping into my mind...and making me feel like shit again...find it hard to be happy abt anything these days...but tmr i will be...gonna spend the hole day at sentosa  with my kids frm HKPS...been awhile since i last saw them...cant wait...

anyway thats abt all i guess...pretty normal...and good also..i dont want too much roller coaster in my life anymore...

Interesting bunch

Just done writing a bloody long post for my other blog..so this one might be shorter (i wanna watch my AVP)

So today i headed down to city to meet my fren who was celebrating his birthday (not actual day but just celebrating)...supposed to have dinner and all...and guess what...the boy who can navigate the forest and terrain cant even navigate the city...i promptly got lost and had to call for search and rescue...well its not that bad...just exaggerating...but still...i got lost...

so after meeting them we hopped to this place called glutton bay to eat...damn the weather was hot as hell (literally) but i enjoyed the meal...was nice and we were chatting up with stuff...and honestly i heard things which surprised me...but shhhh...secret ^^v haha so we chatting for quite awhile before evacuating into the air conditioned areas...we went to toys r us and i obviously disappeared within seconds...only to be found at the transformers section (whats new)...and after that we headed back.

honestly...it was a pretty short day...but i guess i really did have fun...cuz one of them was someone that i was totally not close to...while the other was an "almost" close friend...so it was a good mixture of catching up and also reinforcing friendship...its things like this that makes me feel happy and satisfied...not achievements or all the transformers in the world (ok maybe that is) but just the time spent chatting and talking to friends...yea those are what i like most...but please...small group..i cant stand large groups -.-

alright thats abt it...now to go watch my AVP...which has been paused every since i started writing :P

Peer pressured

I seriously Fucking hate my life right now! seriously...

For starters im slowly turning damn poor...aside from the clubbing thingy...next there was night safari...and soon there will be makan session(s) and soon again its zoo or science centre...i mean thank goodness i dont have to pay anything for the sentosa trip with my kids...or else they will become a burden to me as well...and the last thing that will ever need to happen is my best source of happiness becoming my burden...

Sometimes i guess its really abt peer pressure...and i get that a lot frm my fyp grp...dont get me wrong they are wonderful people...but maybe its the work style...or maybe its just that we dont share the same level of commitment...but everytime they want a meeting...i realized that i dont want it...cuz i just see no need for it...like i said maybe its just the work style...but i see no need to meet so regularly...it seems like honestly when we meet we get lesser done...on the contrary if we allocate work and everyone goes home and do and set a dateline...it gets done even faster cuz theres a dateline and all. but i guess grp work means we have to be physically meeting

I just got a call and cuz i had plans today i didnt have to go meeting..but i heard that everyone was there and that pressured me to want to go..maybe its paranoia...but i guess its just me...worse is they were planning so many outing and it clashes with my own plans...so what am i gonna do?...im totally feeling so stressed just now when i was talking to one of the members to a point where i need to stay silent and calm myself down...now i got a fucked up mood...hopefully i wont affect anyone later

First time to a club ^^v

Yea...Finally i had the experience of clubbing...and damn i had so much more than just dancing...

To start off...i went with 3 of my friend...2 girls 1 guy...guess its a good combi...cuz those 3 went clubbing before so i guess i'm in good hands :P We were at clarke quay and went to eat at macs first...then we went to 7-eleven to get a bottle of alcohol...honestly i cant really rmb what the name was...only that the alcohol percentage was 40 i think...we went to sit near some bridge and started playing some games...like those where you lose and you need to drink up kind...my first mistake...

Started off well for me...won quite a few time so i guess i didn't have to drink much..but slowly i realized that i kept losing to my guy fren and kept drinking...and the more i drink...the more i feel like wanting to drink...soon i was a happy boy..laughing away...thankfully i was still aware of what i was doing...at least i know that i was drinking too much...my head started feeling heavy and giddy...well...damn...

I remembered some of my friends smoking and for some reason..i felt enticed to try as well...i was playing around with a stick but i think i didn't try it yet...although i rmb that while we were leaving for the club (and mind you i wasn't walking straight) i decided to have a puff...honestly..i dunno..the feeling was a little bit of nothing to me...i mean it did make me feel a little weird or happy...but i dont think its my thing...so after this i really cant rmb much...i know we made our way to the club called rebel i think..i rmbed my friend telling me to make sure that i looked normal to get past the bouncer...and we were looking for lockers inside

I rmb the loud noise in the club...upbeat music...flashing lights..lots of noise...all of which would have annoyed me normally..but listening to it i got really high and excited...i wanted to dance it out...laugh it out and just have fun...and apparently my friend told me i did...i was dancing (something i never thought i'll do) and we drank more inside . Everything else i really cant rmb...i know my friend told me halfway we went to the toilet...then apparently i wasn't able to even stand properly so he brought me out of the club

What happened next shocked me...apparently i started crying and had an emotional outburst...and was crying and talking a lot abt my ex...so yea..now the identity of my ex is known to another 2 more person..great

well other than that i really dont rmb much...most of which was what my friend told me i did...so i dont really know much.

Anyway aside frm that..guess what...my friend is angry with me again...same person..different situation..this time not a misunderstanding anymore..it was my fault...and again i need to seek forgiveness..i've done what i can...and learnt my lesson...so again...its up to him

so yea..last night was one of the more interesting nights i had...and hoenstly...i think theres so much more to write...so i'll hop over to my other blog maybe...now that my heart is giving me the aches cuz of what happened between me and my friend...i need a good distraction anyway...AND MY FUCKING CUPBOARD DOOR JUST MOVED ON ITS OWN AGAIN!!!

Hee Hee Hee ^^

Yay imma happy cat...well for now i guess...but hope this last awhile more..i love being happy :D

Well today was pretty much one of the better days that i had...started off with me waking up early (but still late) for CareHeart (one of the student cares i go to) Sports day...was awesome to meet all the other 4 student cares...i was in charge of one of the groups...which surprised me a lot cuz i thought they wouldn't trust me for this group leader kinda stuff...heck even i wouldn't trust myself cuz i know im not social with people i dunno...but turn out..when the kids formed their group (my grp had only 1 frm eunos which i knew)...i became myself again..happy and bouncy with the kids...and very soon they were talking to me as if they already knew me...haha and they were good kids so thank goodness...lesser work for me to make sure they don't run around or fall. The sports day went well and they even have an awesome cheer...they won quite a few games and overall they did very well in my opinion. Even during lunch i was sitting with them...sharing my food with them (cuz as usual volunteer gets better food) and trying not to let the teachers see as i let them have my chicken wings and all...haha as usual i pamper them too much already :P I was supposed to leave at abt 1 plus...but after a lot of thinking...and also cuz the kids kept asking me to...i decided to accompany them and spend the rest of the day with them back at the center...their faces were priceless...i hope they know that im as happy to be there with them as much as they are happy that im with them :')

So back at the center they went for their bath...and some of the upper primary boys were being very dirty with me...had to interrogate them to find out where they learnt all the languages and things from...honestly even though im shocked at how young kids are learning all these...i honestly feel that they should not be reprimanded for it..i see it as part of growing up...yes its a risk..but sometimes you will not learn until you fall... not to say tat they get into trouble...but rather that we should not dismiss such things as bad so quickly...however i did tell them not to say such things in front of the younger ones. After they were bathing (which i spent powdering myself back at the center cuz i cant bath ): )..they had nap time...i was sitting with them listening to music at one corner...and after that watching transformers...but my body decided to be tired and i laid down...and very soon...actually fell asleep as well...after waking up confused...i realized that i've been sleeping for close to 30 minutes..some of the teachers were laughing when they realized i fell asleep as well :P

Oh but before that...i was going thru twitter and saw someone's post...and got worried for her..so i dropped her a text of encouragement...cuz even as i was reading her tweets...i realized that we do suffer frm the same problems somewhat...and since i was recovering and being happy with my kids...i told her also to find something that will distract her...well i guess it works well for me...and i hope it does for her as well.

Ok back to the day..after the nap we were watching cool animal shows and i was close to my new little brother :D one of the kids came to say that his sir name was Tan to so we were brothers...haha so cute...he's a P6 and one of the more naughty boys there..so usually i end up taking care of him...i remembered how i had to stop him from punching someone in anger...that was the first real major interaction i had with him as well...and even now he still has anger management issues...but something inside me tells me that he is still a good boy at heart. Well after the show i really had to go..i saw some disappointment in some of the kids and honestly felt like not leaving..but i told myself that i cannot get too emotionally attached to them so instead i promised them (as usual) that i'll be back when i find the time.

Ok frm this point im gonna skip a chuck on info so that the post stays annonymous

Guess what..my ex was stuck in a lift...so funny...i happened to be there and decided to sms that person...and to my GREATEST surprise...i got a reply! The first reply is almost 9 months...oh you dont know how happy i was...at first i was asked to leave for supper but when i told the person that i was going...the person did something which always won my over last time...and it still won me over now...i waited till my ex was safely out and said bye and left...honestly it was so fleeting but i was glad it happened...ok this is a pathetic post compared to what i wanna write...so it will be on another blog instead...when im free or not so lazy to go write it

So yeap...that was today...an awesome day...so now..to go enjoy the rest of the night and tmr as well :D

First time to a Pub

Yes the anti social little turtle me finally went to a pub...well tonight was supposed to be clubbing but things got screwed up so we ended up going to a pub instead...such an experience!

Well yea...the initial plan was to go to St James cuz they had a student free entry thingy...but alex didnt bring his IC while hakim didnt have a student card...so both could not go in..me and edwin went in for awhile to get the atmosphere before leaving...so tragic...so we spent some time deciding what to do for the night and finally decided to head to clarke quay to find eski bar...and nice little pub which is freaking cold (hence the name)

Well when we arrived at boat quay we started hunting for the place...yea we got lost...and ended up at those sleazy places with half clad ladies hooting at us to come in...like seriously...so we tried to ignore the surroundings and finally found our place...inside we ordered 5 bottles of Tiger Crystal...and damn it was nice beer :P better than Tiger or Heineken at least...then after that...we decided it was not enough (already sure sign of our doom) and ordered another 5 bottles of another beer called "hoegarrden" or something like this...what ever it was...its taste even better...and we semi chucked it down...always saying "shut up and drink" before we took a gulp (yet another sure sign of our highness)...was a damn good night with Bams...and honestly did not expect myself to do so well with alcohol...the hoegarden thingy was 4.9% and cant rmb tiger crystal was how much...but yea..expected myself to be a goner but turn out just fine...although when we went out of the place i was feeling floaty...happy and cant walk straight worth shit...now i know why people drink their sorrows away..it does work :P

Well so yea...anyway next week i might be going clubbing for the first time with my classmates...and BAMS will be going clubbing again soon i hope ^^v But for now..i totally need some rest...zzz 

Time will Tell

Well someone came by yesterday (not literally..in text) and was talking to me about people in general (i'm just saying this cuz i try not to mention names on this blog) and it did get me thinking about something that i always told myself in the past...but not so often now...back then i always told myself...time will tell a person's true side...and yea...that kept me on edge and cautious of others whom i just met...but slowly there was no more need cuz i learnt to trust people...well blindly actually..but somewhat still trust

So when i was talking to her...that's what i told her as well...time will tell a guy's true heart...and used myself and my failed relationship as an example..at first i thought i was ok and all...but in the end...my ex had to slowly find out what a jerk i was...and this only surfaced after she and I know each other better...people cannot hide forever...they may be good liars or great actors...but if you are close to the person...things will definitely surface and you will be able to know the persons true colors.

Well so aside from that sudden thought...had an awesome start of the week...went down to ACS again...both my favorites didn't go...but it was still fun for me there...but thanks to those kids i caught a cough and sore throat...lots of them had been sick and the teachers got it as well...and now i got it too...humph... And on sunday i went cycling with some of my friends...we cycled aimlessly and ended up at compassvale O.O...so i visited my grp mate there and went shopping before we started cycling back to yishun...was super awesome and you can tell the difference between both the areas...after the cycle i went to meet 2 of my classmates who were at some CD shop...haha totally not my type of place since i don't listen to music...but anyway going home was boring for me anyway...so that's about it for the interesting parts of the week.

So in general..i guess things are not too bad...my sunday church was pretty bad but its over so im not gonna think abt it...so thats it i guess :P

Painful again...

Another posting in church today...cux that's where I am and as usual...I'm not listening...well if uncle Terrence was delivering the message then maybe I would be listening a bit more

And guess who's sitting 1 row in front of me...yea..THAT person...can feel the tug in my heart again...cuz I saw how the person was..at first the person was just standing there not singing...a bit like last time...but as the worship went the person got more connected with God...raising his hands and all...and again...it hit me that I've lost the person 9 months ago already

That feeling left me in pain as usual..I don't even know what I want anymore...one hand I miss the friendship and want it back...another part of me miss the companionship and connection with the person as well...

But what's new I guess...as usual I'm just sitting through the pain...no where to go...no where to hide..just live through it and hope for the best...as usual...

Been Awhile

Well its been awhile since i posted...during the last few months it was almost an everyday thing...but i guess not posting is a good sign for me...means im doing fine...well so how come im back here?

Well because for all the things that went right...one thing is still not done...im still cooping up so much of the things i wanna talk about...its still stressing me...depressing me...and making me feel moody..it attacks whenever it wants...and today...al of a sudden..it attacked again.

Maybe it was cuz of cell yesterday...well i met with BAMS and uncle Terrence...and the topic was abt remembering God...and i told uncle Terrence that i will never trust God for my problems ever again...why? cuz when i prayed for things to be right...it fucks up even worse...and just kept going downhill...all the prayers lead me to take my action...to betray someone for another...and guess what...not only did it make someone hate me...it ruined my friendship one way or another as well...that is NOT a good idea for a "pivotal circumstance" I trusted that God will take me through...and look where he dumped me at.

So when uncle Terrence steered the topic towards that...i felt my anger...resentment...sadness all rising to boil into one pile of shit...i nearly lost control and started ranting to him...i told him how much the 9 months was shit for me...and honestly...i stopped myself...why would he understand...he doesnt...he was part of the grp of arseholes that made me suffer for 9 months...like God...i trust uncle Terrence..but not with my problems...at least not This particular one.

Well there are people that i can talk to abt this...but currently its not going well...maybe its just the short curt replies that bug me...but thats why i want things to be fully solved...and not shoved under the carpet...yes i know...thats how i solve my own problems...but if the problem is mine alone then shoving it under the carpet is what i do...but if it involves friends then i would rather it be solved in full...but again...i must rmb something...i cannot expect everyone to be like me...and so once again..it falls on me to change...and to adapt...and to "just wait for things to calm down...let God guide your path" pfftt...well i miss talking like normal and last time...still missing it...but as people always say...its a start...and yea...guess so...i can survive a few more days living with my problems...i've always been doing that.

Ok theres so much that i DONT want to rant here...so i shall bounce to my other blog to rant before sleeping...may make me feel better...anyway if all goes well i can spend an extra day at ACS with my kids again...hopefully it works out.

There's always a brighter side

Life suck...you gotta admit..not everything goes your way and somethings things simply are out to screw with you...but there always is a little bit of happiness stored away somewhere for you to tap on

So yea...seems like life is almost normal...FYP still annoying me somewhat especially after today...as usual with tones and annoyance...leaving me very frustrated and angry...but as usual..hold it in...but the difference is that i visited ACS again...and how happy i was when i was only on the way there...i almost bounced my way there...and even took a cab at the last stretch cuz i was running late and didnt wanna lose any of the precious time with them...and that was a good decision

Because the moment i stepped into the center i was greeted by my favorite kid...he gave me his trademark "evil" look and i shot one back at him...its how we greet each other :P like that wasn't enough...another of the kid which i was rather close to as well was so happy and asked how come i was back....and whether i remembered his name or not...and when i did...he said "wahhh so long already you still rmb my name?" so cute <3 and since it was study time i was just floating around as usual and my favorite kid was bouncing his head on my hand when i was standing behind him...he gave me his upside down look and immediately asked if i was coming tmr or thursday...i told him that i was coming on friday and he complained why i couldnt come on thursday...that made me sad...that i had so much other commitment and i told him (honestly) that if i had the chance i would come down everyday...and that is what i would really do for them.

The day went on as usual...and during tea break he was eating his own food and when i complained that i didnt have a good lunch..he immediately offered his stuff to me...so sweet but he very cute also...he insisted that he wouldn't share his nice biscuits with me unless i answer his maths question and also let him play games on my phone...he loves to quiz me on maths questions and cuz he's such at maths he usually owns me...best part was during the next few lessons he and my other fav was lazing around with me...no matter how many times i told them that they were not allowed to lie down on my lap or shoulder...they still ended up doing it...in the end i totally gave up and just let them laze around...after all...the spoken rule is that they cannot sit on our laps...the extra shoulder and lying on lap thing was added for myself...and im ok i guess...at least for them :P I think i pamper them too much...but both of them are like little brothers to me..and i wouldn't mind taking care of them like a real brother anyway :)

So there was also a new staff there today...and we didnt really talk until most of the kids went home...we introduced ourselves and got to know each other slightly better...but what made my day was really when she said that i must have enjoyed myself during the attachment cuz im back here to volunteer and mr ang came by and say "Ya...he got lots and lots of heart" I felt so happy hearing that...yes...i have a sea of heart and patience for kids..no matter how naughty they can be..somehow i hardly have the heart to scold them...but being stern with them sometimes is still needed.

But the most important thing is...this is the scene where im most appreciated...they say your teenage years are the best in life...i agree..but only if im with my kids or in a student care...cuz thats where im appreciated...by both the young, peers or elders...I enjoy myself there..nurturing them and caring for them...and in return...the benefits that i receive is much more deeper than just money...no point being in the social game on teenagers...where we have back stabbers or shit..or people who misunderstands you...or thinks of you as things that are not true...or treat you like an expendable...theres almost none of that in the student care...its purely love and care there in both directions...and im always happy when im there...and always dreading going home...this truly is the power up i need...especially with all the crap going on now...and im glad im going back on friday :)

My new GF

Humph...who needs a real girl...I'll marry Arcee anytime :P

Ok i guess that's kinda weird how im falling in love with a female transformer but i guess that's the point...if i have a girl in future i want her to be like Arcee..cool and always there for anything...plus caring and calm...that would be awesome :)

Oh anyway...i managed to keep my cool today...i guess its good..my grp mate K managed to swindle the info out of me abt why i was pissed but i told her that im fine already...which is true...i managed to make a new intro for my youtube videos using 3D animation...guess you could say that its my first 3D animation product :D soon i'll be making transformers..yea i wish :P

as or personal life...well someone's overseas right now..good for me...and my friend is talking still..thankfully...and im slowly recovering from the cold shoulder...almost back to normal...so i guess everything is going just fine...or at least improving...FYP and friends are just 1 of many tons of problems that i have yet to solve..but i guess like i always tell myself...the impt ones solve it first and slowly move onwards...well the most impt one is done already...now for the next one...which funny enough...will not solve until major change happens...haiz

and last night i played L4D2 with BAMS straight into the night...4 am :) priceless...i tell you we may not be the best in games but i'll not have anyone else at my back except for those 3...well maybe the previous team i played with frm my class...but thats just a start :P Was a priceless scene to see us 4 on the concert stage fighting mobs off...love it...then seeing us laughing and going crazy shooting each other was even more priceless...and im actually smiling while i type this...damn im a happy boy suddenly...its good that life is taking a better turn for now...hope it last

So anyway...today i tried to hunt down my GF...dont have...so i guess next time again...i'll get her!