3rd's a charm?

Well...today i committed my third betrayal...wait before you get sniping...its one of those "I have to betray you cuz im loyal to another person" type...so whether im wrong or not is up to anyone's judgment, but for me...i blame myself...as usual...as always.

Well lets start with the very first one shall we...which involves the infamous "E"...well i had to betray  "E" because i was loyal to "E" brother, and honestly i do treasure my friends above almost all else. Obviously "E" wasnt happy...and i was plagued with the guilt for long enough. those were also the first times where i tried cutting myself...courtesy of "E"s habits...it was more of a symbolic thing for me...kinda like punishment? twisted yea..but cuts are never deep...cuz honestly i a bit no balls one la...pain a bit can...too much cannot...never knew how "E" can have 6 deep cuts so easily

Then the second time...lollers thankfully this one wasnt too serious...how do i know that? well cuz i myself cant really rmb the exact details...i know it was recently...i might even have blogged about it...but im too lazy to search...but i know that as usual, i have to tell my friend things which i was told not to tell him...but i still did cuz i made the promise not to keep things frm him

Then today, well long story short...things happened...I heard about somethings that were going to happen to him (it was for his ow good, but breaches his trust), I was not in favor of it but cuz i had 2 against me so i told them that if that is what they feel is right (which they do, and also right) then go ahead. I wanted to keep silent abt it but i know my friend well...he would not have taken kindly to it...and so i went to tell him what happened. This time for the first time i experienced something, doubt, I doubted myself as to whether i should say..but too late..the moment i open my mouth..it was too late for me to change my mind...i would have the info wringed out of me anyway...and in the end i said it...and as expected the reaction was bad...real bad...confrontation soon ensued and while it all took place, i was struggling with myself as to whether what i did was right...and as usual i knew i should have kept quiet...and not said anything...these are the times when staying loyal make me doubt my policy...abt whether its right...am i too focused on the person that im loyal to? people once said that you don't need too many frens but once you do find them staying loyal is impt. Im not sure

But the one thing that troubled me most was...did my loyalty really meant anything to anyone? at the end of the day am i just a passing phase...is it cuz i dont have a pussy? so my care and concern are immediately lowered or reduced? or issit cuz i just appeared fake and scheming, or maybe just no trust at all...or thinking that the trust i give is fake.so many options that ran thru my mind...organizing emotions were so difficult. I was sad...that i had to betray someone, and that my friend was in such a state, ( lol he need a doctor ;) )...on the other hand im somewhat in a good mood cuz i know that i did the right thing, at least to him cuz i stayed true to him...but then when i think of that i wonder if it really matters? will i end up as a passing phase...or does he really appreciate my loyalty...cuz at the end of the day...i seem to always take second standing to another person..no matter how much i try to prove my loyalty...i will always be thrown into the light of doubt suddenly...and especially recently that i've found out that a grp of people that i did trust did not trust me at all...it was a hard shock for me...that i have been doubted...i cant blame them they have their reason...and so in the end...all i can do is to trust them...again...as usual im on the bottom of this "mind game" food chain...where im always the one adapting and people playing..

i guess at the end of the day...if i do sort things out properly...i should be happy that i stayed loyal...that is one thing that i take pride in...and i should not regret my choice...however it doesn't mean my action was right to other parties...and so in that sense i should be ashamed as well...my only worry now is that the party i betrayed...has always been close to that friend...and what if one day...they all leave me...then my sacrifice today was in vain, somehow thats a scenario im slowly trying to prepare myself for...i dont want it to happen...but right now..i dunno what can happen...anything can...but for now..im tired...drained...sick...weak...and once again finding myself longing for a comforting hug frm "E", or just any other person that was impt to me...but im destined to be alone thru my problems and i should be getting stronger for it