Oh great...the days slowly creeping up on me...and i know this due to the lack of sleep, flipping of old photo, memories of the past, and dreams of a "Future" (An impossible future)
Well been busy with things...yea really...in order to survive thru this period i told myself to immerse myself in tons of things to keep busy and stay alive...and honestly not easy..becuz when my mind is attacked by "E", nothing else matters...no amount of animations, shows, games or activities can help it.
Well honestly its still good that im living my dreams of making animations, it helps keep my mind of things and also gives some of my life back frm FYP. been making minecraft animations and playing around with animating techniques...all super fun.
However today i experienced something which i probably never felt before...i was at a wedding when all of a sudden...i was filled with immense sadness frm the fact that my future is so uncertain...marriage? for me? i wonder...marriage with "E" is definitely out of the question, and since my heart is still stuck and not ready to move on..what will happen to my future? will i be single? will i finally find someone else? i realized how much i dont know abt myself and also my future...and at that moment it just hit me what a loser and failure i am...others are probably gonna have a simple time during this phase of their life while i struggle against things that are out of my control. I really dunno what to expect now...and that thought really dampen me down to so many levels..i was supposed to learn more animation techniques but my mind just isnt at the state to do that
I was supposed to talk to my fren abt this..but i realized that i shouldnt...why should anybody care abt it...they will never understand how hard it is..to them im just another normal teenager who just have a tougher time...they wont know the amount of thought i go thru just for myself and the amount of dissonance i have to struggle everyday...
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