There's always a brighter side

Life suck...you gotta admit..not everything goes your way and somethings things simply are out to screw with you...but there always is a little bit of happiness stored away somewhere for you to tap on

So yea...seems like life is almost normal...FYP still annoying me somewhat especially after today...as usual with tones and annoyance...leaving me very frustrated and angry...but as usual..hold it in...but the difference is that i visited ACS again...and how happy i was when i was only on the way there...i almost bounced my way there...and even took a cab at the last stretch cuz i was running late and didnt wanna lose any of the precious time with them...and that was a good decision

Because the moment i stepped into the center i was greeted by my favorite kid...he gave me his trademark "evil" look and i shot one back at him...its how we greet each other :P like that wasn't enough...another of the kid which i was rather close to as well was so happy and asked how come i was back....and whether i remembered his name or not...and when i did...he said "wahhh so long already you still rmb my name?" so cute <3 and since it was study time i was just floating around as usual and my favorite kid was bouncing his head on my hand when i was standing behind him...he gave me his upside down look and immediately asked if i was coming tmr or thursday...i told him that i was coming on friday and he complained why i couldnt come on thursday...that made me sad...that i had so much other commitment and i told him (honestly) that if i had the chance i would come down everyday...and that is what i would really do for them.

The day went on as usual...and during tea break he was eating his own food and when i complained that i didnt have a good lunch..he immediately offered his stuff to me...so sweet but he very cute also...he insisted that he wouldn't share his nice biscuits with me unless i answer his maths question and also let him play games on my phone...he loves to quiz me on maths questions and cuz he's such at maths he usually owns me...best part was during the next few lessons he and my other fav was lazing around with me...no matter how many times i told them that they were not allowed to lie down on my lap or shoulder...they still ended up doing it...in the end i totally gave up and just let them laze around...after all...the spoken rule is that they cannot sit on our laps...the extra shoulder and lying on lap thing was added for myself...and im ok i guess...at least for them :P I think i pamper them too much...but both of them are like little brothers to me..and i wouldn't mind taking care of them like a real brother anyway :)

So there was also a new staff there today...and we didnt really talk until most of the kids went home...we introduced ourselves and got to know each other slightly better...but what made my day was really when she said that i must have enjoyed myself during the attachment cuz im back here to volunteer and mr ang came by and say "Ya...he got lots and lots of heart" I felt so happy hearing that...yes...i have a sea of heart and patience for kids..no matter how naughty they can be..somehow i hardly have the heart to scold them...but being stern with them sometimes is still needed.

But the most important thing is...this is the scene where im most appreciated...they say your teenage years are the best in life...i agree..but only if im with my kids or in a student care...cuz thats where im appreciated...by both the young, peers or elders...I enjoy myself there..nurturing them and caring for them...and in return...the benefits that i receive is much more deeper than just money...no point being in the social game on teenagers...where we have back stabbers or shit..or people who misunderstands you...or thinks of you as things that are not true...or treat you like an expendable...theres almost none of that in the student care...its purely love and care there in both directions...and im always happy when im there...and always dreading going home...this truly is the power up i need...especially with all the crap going on now...and im glad im going back on friday :)

My new GF

Humph...who needs a real girl...I'll marry Arcee anytime :P

Ok i guess that's kinda weird how im falling in love with a female transformer but i guess that's the point...if i have a girl in future i want her to be like Arcee..cool and always there for anything...plus caring and calm...that would be awesome :)

Oh anyway...i managed to keep my cool today...i guess its good..my grp mate K managed to swindle the info out of me abt why i was pissed but i told her that im fine already...which is true...i managed to make a new intro for my youtube videos using 3D animation...guess you could say that its my first 3D animation product :D soon i'll be making transformers..yea i wish :P

as or personal life...well someone's overseas right now..good for me...and my friend is talking still..thankfully...and im slowly recovering from the cold shoulder...almost back to normal...so i guess everything is going just fine...or at least improving...FYP and friends are just 1 of many tons of problems that i have yet to solve..but i guess like i always tell myself...the impt ones solve it first and slowly move onwards...well the most impt one is done already...now for the next one...which funny enough...will not solve until major change happens...haiz

and last night i played L4D2 with BAMS straight into the night...4 am :) priceless...i tell you we may not be the best in games but i'll not have anyone else at my back except for those 3...well maybe the previous team i played with frm my class...but thats just a start :P Was a priceless scene to see us 4 on the concert stage fighting mobs off...love it...then seeing us laughing and going crazy shooting each other was even more priceless...and im actually smiling while i type this...damn im a happy boy suddenly...its good that life is taking a better turn for now...hope it last

So anyway...today i tried to hunt down my GF...dont have...so i guess next time again...i'll get her!

Hasbro! Quality control please!! >:(

ARGH! i just bought a first edition bulkhead...and guess what...it has 2 same piece of a thigh...ok confused? actually it aint that bad...the only thing that is affected is that the vehicle mode is not tightly locked due to the wrong thigh piece...other than that i guess its still fine...but damn :( he's such a cool figure...im gonna try and see if OG has a return policy for crappy quality figures :(

Ok anyway..today was boring...i mean same as all saturdays...go to my grandpa house and all...but i did sms my friend who replied...yay :P i guess im slowly recovering from the cold shoulder...still feels awkward when talking to him...but slowly i guess...anyway its good to be back on talking terms and all...wish it was like this for some "other" person

Oh well then...i guess for now i have my bulkhead...WHICH HAS A KNEE PROBLEM...so i think thats gonna haunt me forever T.T and tmr no church..so dont have to see someone...and feel totally guilty again...but for monday...im having grp meeting which means tons of plans are going down the drain...and i really dont feel like talking abt it

Church postings again

Ooo another mobile blogging :P well
I'm stuck at church now...listening to crap about multi site...tedious as usual...and not helping my mood when someones parents decide to sit right in front of us....and the pastor that's talking is the jerk that gave the fucked up idea that's making me suffer now...so yea...

Anyway on the brighter side...I was playing LAN with my classmates today...not too bad...I think we did well for survival...lasting about 8 or 9 minutes...best part was we were not even talking or planning cuz we weren't sitting all together...so it wasn't too bad...they were good teammates...now it got me all the more psyched up to play with BAMS and get a gold award

And also...the friend talked to me today as well...again it was really awkward for me...I dunno why cuz I shouldn't be feeling like this...but I felt so weird when we talked...totally not like last time...lucky for me another friend talked to me a short while about my problems...and although I appreciate his concern...it's just different cuz I'm not close to him...I have so much that I wanted to talk to my friend...but that poor guy seems to be in even more problems...well not sure if it's more than mine..but it sure sounds serious...so hopefully it gets fixed soon....I don't wanna add more problems for him by sharing my problems with him...so I guess for now I'll tank through it awhile more...anyway he said the lesser people know the problem the better...so I guess I won't try to ask more...and just let him settle it if he wants to...I've learnt how to let things be...I'm fact...I was so worried just now...when I so easily gave up...last time I would have did all I could to make sure my friend smiles again...but just now...when he showed that he did not wanna tell me...I simply left it as that...I was so scared that I lost my ability to care for others...but after thinking about it...I don't think so...I searched myself and I know I still am concern about what's happening...even though I tried my best to stand a little further when they talked about it so that I can't hear what's going on...I know that part of me I'm still worried for them...but I guess sometimes things are like this...so I'll help only when I'm needed...and even though I really want to help...I'm going to just ignore it and busy myself with other things...dunno if it's even right to do that...but nvm

Oh well that's about all for today I guess...later gonna be meeting BAMS for some late night supper awesomeness...and probably looking at a boring weekend again...oh well...games games games :P

New Bloggy ^^v

As the title suggest...i have a new blog

http://myalternatedirection.wordpress.com/

BUUUT!!! its more private so some of the post are locked with a password...well there might be sometimes when i post public stuff there...but most of that will be here i guess...only those who really do know me well will know the password pretty quickly :P

Anyway...today was a pretty rough day...what i am pressured by is the bloody fact that i have no more time for my kids and eunos pri...yea i wanted to keep my mondays free to go down...but cuz of the above mentioned incident...i totally got so pissed off and made the reckless decision and told them that i'll give the mondays to them as well...which means that they are free to tap on me on mondays...i mean..im already pressured enough cuz i seem to be the only one who wanted mondays and fridays off...and they seem to complain so much about being behind time...best part was...since we meeting supervisor early so we need to meet extra on monday...just to catch up with time...so in all desperation i told myself that since im the only one with the obligations then i'll save you all the trouble...i'll reduce it...even though i openly admit..yes im damn excited about the manual..yes the manual are gonna impact kids in future and thats awesome...but NO i would not wanna sacrifice my time with my kiddos just for it...cuz they are more important to me...they are the people that can really make me smile so genuinely and be so happy...i've seen teenagers reach that level before..but sooner or later...things happen...cuz people change..but them...they hardly ever change..at least not now when they are still young...the way they treat me...the way they react to me..those are my testimony of who i really am..not how teenagers treat or react to me...and honestly..thinking like this helped me gain some confidence back...and thats why they are so important to me

But to be fair...teenagers are not all bad..yea even the gangster ones...i'll never forget my 4 Bb boys frm last year...classic and cliche gangsters...but they treat me like a brother to them...it was them that made me wanna work with youths in future...and even now we are still on good terms...yea they do tease me...but thats what they do...play along with them...they are still young...its good for us to enjoy our youth...cuz sooner or later...we start work..and thats where the tedium starts....and i have close friends who are all teenagers...and though all of us are imperfect...we make it up in different strengths with each other.

And damn...im for the first time so damn positive...maybe cuz all my moods and stuff are dumped onto my private blog already..so i have more live here in the public one ^^v so anyway tmr is a whole day to myself...well until evening at least..hoping to meet some friends for LAN..oh speaking of which..the friend that is ignoring me? he acknowledge my existence today..and did talk a little...but something really sad...i realized my responses to him was so awkward...and i hardly even looked at him..i dunno whats happening..i used to be so open...since when did i close up to my friends that much..but maybe cuz its just a recovery mode..im pretty sure i'll be awkward if my ex started talking again...thankfully the duration of silence with my friend is not too long...and now that i think abt it..im happy that hes talking again..lets hope that it will continue to improve until its back to the usual friendship...and then its up to me to make sure i don't fuck it up again :)

Fucking work

Im sorry was the title too vlugar? ok how about..."marginally tedious and horrific work that involve shitty programs like microsoft word and a crap load of editing and pacification just to get a picture to align with words" work...yea i kinda guess that was too long as well ;)

Anyway i've been working on my FYP children manual for a god forsaken 3 hours...why? becuz i have micorsoft word to thank for...take my advice...pictures and MS word DO NOT mix well together -.- and creating children content obviously require tons of pictures...so damn..what a nightmare

ok back track...so in the morning my grp had a meeting with mr paran..was ok...but fun part was after the meeting...since it was wednesday we had 2 cars in the grp...K's and Ted's...so they were mini racing on the highway...awesome...K was damn good at blocking ted but ted dared to speed up and over take her...damn cool...oh we went to bishan to eat pastamania..which i haven't eaten for quite awhile...after lunch we headed to ted's house to discuss and that was where the stress mounted...we realized that theres so much to do for the children manual and so little time..we were all lost as well..so after lots of discussions and all..we finally decided and went home to get started...to be honest im still not as stressed as them..maybe its my style..i realized im the kind that like to work alone...im responsible for my own work..and i feel more ownership of it...and i really dislike it when there are unnecessary decisions to do work together...and one of the grp members did suggest that...was a real turn off but thankfully it didn't go thru..so we are all doing our own parts...phew

so how abt my usual stuff? well nothings changed...so still the same..honestly...today was too damn busy for me to really think abt stuff...what i did think abt was the dream i had...fucking random

I was in my PRIMARY SCHOOL...i saw my SUPERVISOR as one of the teachers...my class was in a dark room watching movie but everyone was in sleeping bags and SLEEPING...and the friend who's not talking to me was talking to me again...my ex was in the same class as me..but for some reason i realized i didn't even try to talk to my ex..maybe cuz im so used to not trying to talk..but the cool thing about dreams is you can feel emotions as well...i know i was sad when i saw my ex..and was happy when my friend talked...was confused when i saw my supervisor..its like...all this things are vivid and sharp..but the rest are blurry...kinda reminds me of the idea me and alex has to conquer our dreams and be in full control...would be cool i guess :P

ok this is random but obviously my mind is not ready to be writing long stuff...i realized im writing so suckishly now...so to spare myself and readers...i'll just end it here..anyway tmr is napha...great...and supervision...great...and more work...great...oh well :P

Alternate reality

Haha sims 3 was tragic..no not the game itself...but rather the fact that the game hanged on me and i didnt save -.-

So anyway..i went for a jog..pushed myself to the limits again...and nearly paid the price for it...its funny how someone just told me not to push myself cuz its dangerous and i promptly do that...i was on the last part of the run and decided to go even faster just to make up time...so i increased my speed all the way to my finish point to clock a time of 11.29..but the moment i stopped...i semi-blackouted and saw those shiny thingys around my eyes (dunno how to explain..but those who have fainted or nearly fainted before will know)..had to keep moving a little more around...i think it was becuz i stopped too suddenly just to pant...but damn it was dangerous..after that didnt even do any other exercise and immediately evacuated home

Got home and took a rest then started playing sims 3...created myself...and a really special someone...well hey sims is about living your alternate reality anyway :P so me and the person was together living in a house with a dog and cat <3 dream come true...but the house suck..i refuse...and i say REFUSE to cheat for this game...in my grp...teddy and hidayah cheat for their sims but me and K not gonna cheat...haha it feels more like your game if you put in the effort for it :P

Well i also included other random people that i know..havent added BAMS yet but if i play another neighbourhood i might have one where the BAMS live together...like we always said...haha but we in singapore so thats hard

ok why am i rambling on abt this..haha...to be honest today is one of the "better" days...as in right now..im feeling quite normal and ok...as compared to this morning..maybe its really sims making me happy...so well..bye...imma gonna go be awesome to my virtual partner now :p

Escaping reality

Well another day gone...and another day of silence...well not literally but silence from my real problems...cuz again..there wasnt anyone to talk to...but i did get a pleasant surprise sms from someone...someone who i can trust..but would be very wrong to share my problems with...so if you're reading this..im sorry..its not that i dont wanna tell you...its just that it would be very unfair for you to hear such things from me.

but yea..woke up in the morning..went to friends house to do fyp...was basic...but i guess with 3 of them members so addicted to sims 3...after some persuasion and lots of researching..i decided to play that as well...haha...and i realized what a perfect game it is to escape frm reality...heck even IGN's review said that its a method to escape reality..haha..its like...anything i could never do in real life..i can have in that game...the people i wanna be with...the home i wanna live in..the job (not to say my current one suck) that i can have...its perfect...so i had that whole chunk installed (about 22.4 gig mind you) and will soon be hiding in another world...

So halfway thru grp discussion i got an sms frm someone...who read thru my blog recently and saw my predicament...she encouraged me to keep going and i really appreciate it...however it made me even more guilty of things that i have done before...but i know that was not intended...i tried to push that aside...i was so tempting to pour out everything to her...tell her what troubles me and all..but i know i cant..not becuz its her..but rather becuz of external factors...so once again...im not able to talk to people about things...and i need to keep it with myself...im now very careful about what i do..out of fear of doing things wrong again..what if i did tell her...and somehow or another the person in question found out? then he would think that im a blabber-mouth and go around telling others my problems with him...thats why i have to settle this alone..with him...thats why im forced to push people away that used to be helping me...so that things like that wont happen...i force myself to a corner just so i can suffer...and have no idea how long this can last

so i guess once again...imma gonna go jog and exercise again...see if i can tire myself enough so i dont think abt stuffs...and maybe tmr will be the day which it ends..

Tried...and Tired

Wow had a good afternoon...headed down to Carehearts again to see my kids (that i miss a lot)...and their response was overwhelming as usual...if it wasn't for the fact that i was supposed to be a big strong kor kor..i would have broken down and cry...out of pure happiness of course...they were so happy that me and ted came and they were literally chattering away with us...this is why i love kids so much..they actually appreciate your presence...i was teaching them and laughing along with their silly answers...we were playing catching and everything..its was just happiness everywhere...and at the end of the day they keep asking you whether you're coming tmr and all...its just priceless...i'll throw away anything just so i can come back...but i know my commitment lies in other places as well..and i cannot be irresponsible.

Well but something else failed...i smsed my friend...and got no reply...so i guess its either he's not ready to talk..or he's completely not gonna talk anymore...i really hope its not the latter..i dunno what he thinks of me right now...but i know I've changed and really want a chance to prove it...but as usual...im still gonna wait...i was planning to exercise with some of them today..but since this happened...i guess its not gonna happen...so i'll just exercise myself later...I really hope it ends soon...the cold shoulder is killing me...

Good morning...well afternoon-ish i guess

Oh well...the start of a new week...time to worry about FYP...again...and also about the usual stuff...life seems to be like a slog as things after things keep mounting on me and dragging me down


Anyway compared to the past few nights...this time i totally cannot rmb my dream..oh well..must have been not important i guess...and now im rendering videos and laughing at myself again in minecraft...will upload soon...tmr i gotta meet my group again to settle the manual and stuff...not sure if im gonna have the patience for it..with my mind so messed up with other things...i find it hard to focus on one thing nowadays


I guess as usual...im waiting...again...for a chance to rectify my mistakes...im not sure how it will appear...and worst is i cannot start or initiate...cuz its a risk of pissing the other party off...so all i can do is wait for the other party to start or initiate...and god knows how long i have to wait...cuz everyday i wait is an extra day of regret or guilt for me...


However im afraid...last night when i was rolling around..i realized this thing is slowly changing me...im not sure how to explain...but all the emotions or pressure is slowly changing what i know of myself..i feel different when i woke up...i know its a bad sign...i dun wanna go back to how i was...it sucks..it was miserable...it was cold...i wanna be who i am now...but i find myself slowly changing back to last time...and im trying my best to resist...I like the person i am now..not back then..and i dun wanna lose it.


I wanted to call wei zhe just now to see if he wanted to go forest exploring with me...then i rmbed that the forest was screwed...that..if anything else...made me feel even worse...i lost my solitude area of tranquility as well...I havent talked to much people recently..and even been ignoring my group's post on facebook for long time...until they reminded me then i'll just reply...i realized im slowly returning to my anti-social self...and im afraid i do...cuz i dont like it..i hate it...and i realized that my method of playing loner games is only making things worse for me..its only gonna remind me of how i was last time


Well i guess im happy that i was aware of this earlier...i actually wanted to play skyrim the whole day today...but decided to head down to CareHut instead...i miss those kiddos...and im afraid i may already have forgotten some of their names :( thats the problem when you commit yourself to so many kids...and now that i think abt it...carehut is not too far frm bedok..now im contemplating whether i should initiate a dinner and talk things out...but that would put me at a risk of him getting angry with me cuz i didnt "allow him to be alone"...heh heh which reminds me of a good idea...put my robotic mind to good use and come up with a decision


So: I am presented with an opportunity..and i'll judge based on favorable and non favorable response
Green for favorable
Red for non favorable
Blue for neutral


1:Sms my friends and ask to meet for dinner to talk things out
    1a: He accepts and i can talk things out with him
        1aa: Everything goes well and we become back to normal again :)
        1ab:The talk fails and he is even more angry than me :(
    1b:He sms me that hes not in the mood to talk and i leave it as that '-'
    1c:He totally ignores me and get angry that i didnt give him his space :(


2:Dont sms my friend and just continue waiting
   2a:Continue to suffer in silence :(
   2b:my friend is happy that i did not disturb him :)


So as you can see...to be honest option 2 is more favorable becuz i have a 1 in 2 chance of making a good choice...as compared to option 1 which is more complicated and thus only have a 1 in 4 chance of having a good choice...so by right i should go for option 2...and just go home after meeting my kids


However a small part of me wanna try...this is not just any random choice in life..which this method is wad i try to do...this involves a friendship...and its too important to me...they always say trust your heart more than your mind...and i always said no to that...but for this..i'll trust my heard...I'll take the risk and sms him...and hope that it will turn out favorable...it can really go 2 way...and i honestly am considering the option to pray for it...like serious...PRAY for it..but im not gonna do that...my friendship is MINE...not GODS...and i'll fix it...NOT God.

Why can't dreams come true?

Oooo what a semi-pleasant night :P ok that sounded a little wrong...no i was alone...not with someone

I had a really really nice dream...its like my body is finally getting sick of crappy sad dreams that it rewarded me with a nice one...i dream that my ex and i got reunited :D:D:D Obviously my ex's standard cheeky smile was there...and we were talking about stuffs after stuffs...to be honest i couldn't remember the exact full content as clearly as the other sad dreams...but i know i was happy...i know it was in our church LOR room with chairs around...we were talking about other people that we like (so unlikely topic...but thats how we were last time) and funny thing is we are attracted to the same person...haha we are so similar :P

Then i know i woke up...around 8.30...and i know i have christian basics...around 9...and i know im too damn lazy to get up...so i went back to sleep...at 9 plus uncle terrence sms me and i replied saying that we should postpone it...haha..actually i feel quite bad..i really wanted to go...i considered talking to uncle terrence about my stuffs and all..but alex will be there...alex hardly gets serious abt these kinda things (which is good and bad) so i feel awkward if hes there...but i rmb my nemesis telling me that its alright to talk to someone older than you..who may have been more mature...but not your peer...i guess so...but i know uncle terrence will give me generic answers...and thats a complete turn off honestly

So i went back to sleep...and this time..i dreamt of transformers...ahahaha...i dreamt that i went to some shop which were selling ROTF transformers...well all the fugly unwanted ones..but i saw some cool ones...and thats abt all i rmbed as well before i woke up again

But to be honest...as usual after waking up...you realized its just a dream...and i rmb someone telling me that 'if you can rmb the dream then it wont come true" back then it was reassuring for me...but in this case...well i wish it comes true...and worse is my calf is in pain frm yesterdays exercise..those sharp sharp pain kind..must have pulled a muscle or something :(

and i suddenly feel like starting another blog...thats protected or something...a blog that i can openly just use names and all instead of "someone someone" and also just write freely...but im too lazy to manage 2 blogs...so i guess not now...unless i really need it

Hi again!

Hi blog! your regular annoyance is here again ^^v

Ok i know...i need a life...but hey..that's why i go out to exercise...I was just done rendering videos and laughing at myself in minecraft...but as usual distractions dont usually last long so i went out for a night jog again...well before that i went to the fitness corner for some warm up..basics...nothing big cuz i wanted to conserve energy...then i started my run...after the run i went to spam push up...used those pull up machines...practice my SBJ...which failed again -.- and a whole lot of other random exercise...when i got home i was tired enough to finish my 1.5 ltr 100 plus...now damn bloated.

Whats different tonight? well for starters i started crying halfway while running...well not those "hunh hunh" breathless crying kind...but just the small tear kind that you drop when you are real sad...maybe its the past...maybe its the present...or maybe its the future..not sure which one made me tear...cuz i was thinking of them all...my past ex...my present friend...and my future partner...i realized this past few days its always these topics...

the past i talked about it tons before...if you cant rmb go search back your database to 8 months ago :P

the present i've been talking about it i think you got bored already :P

But the future...well...i was thinking about what kind of person will i be with in future...whether i will marry? or stay single and have fun...or stay single and be a nerd on the com 9tempting as it may be i dont want that to happen)...its like i really hate my future...cuz of who i am...im always confused about how the future will turn out to be...geddit? confused? geddit...geddit? nvm im stupid :P anyway yea...so worrying about all those plus whats happening now coupled with what happened in the past...im surprised im still alright...

Well not exactly luh...this afternoon while editing videos...i was alone at home..i nearly wanted to do something which my ex used to do...and i used to say NO to...i realized now what my ex mean when he says sometimes you get so stressed and pressured and you have no one to talk to...and you resort to those drastic ways to de-stress...i always told my ex that at least i'll be there to talk to him and all..and usually that works...i can at least hold back the act for a long enough period...but sometimes it fails and my ex will end up committing it...and when we meet and i see the aftermath...it hurts a lot to see my ex in that state...but i know what troubles my ex...but i just never knew why my ex would wanna do that...well now i know...sometimes when you have no where to turn...you resort to your last measures...well thankfully for me im not at that stage yet...in crisis intervention its called ideation...i have the ideation...i have the means...but i doubt i'll do it...well at least not yet...im still holding on to that hope and trust...and that does kinda help me...its like a double edge sword..it helps me but hurts me as well

oh but well...in a desperate attempt to keep myself happy..im downloading avatar to watch...kinda wish i had someone to watch it with...but i guess for this one i'll enjoy it alone...and also downloaded some new L4D2 custom maps to play...time to make friends with 3 other pathetic AI that cant fight worth shit...and one of my BB year 1 boy who played minecraft also wanted to play with me...well i'll try and work a way so that he can join in i guess :P

Oh one last thing..im screwed tmr...since first of all im going to church 2nd service...im gonna be seeing my ex...which means another pile of shit coming my way...plus this time i got no one to talk to abt it..so im gonna have to bottle the sadness in me again..haven't done that since a long long time ago...and worse is my body is gonna kill me after todays workout...so yyyeeeaaa...get ready for more bombards tmr...unless i went to kill myself...which might just happen if the pastor pissed me off again -.-

What a floser

Hi Blog...i know..i suck...couldn't even last 3 days without having to run back to you again...

But i dont have anyone to talk to anymore...so many things kinda sort of happened...and i want to talk to someone...im feeling lonely and once again..i really wish you could reply...im now flipping thru photos of a certain someone (so cute) and really hoping the person will come back for me...i skipped cell yesterday so at least i didn't have to see the person...but i wee bit of me kinda wished i went instead.

So anyway...yesterday was kinda a success i guess...early in the morning i went into skyrim...and role played so deeply...i've never actually role played so deeply that i found myself talking to myself about my next choices and all before...it does help...i was effectively distracted the whole morning in another world...but as usual...the moment im back in reality..bam! everything came back..my chest hasn't been leaving me alone...has been tugging me at random times...and the fact that i really wanna talk to people but no one i can talk to isn't helping that all the stress and pressure is building up. I just need to release it and talk it out...that always worked for me...and i tried a bit of that in the afternoon

I went to meet my junior...who is my nemesis...in the afternoon after his lessons...I talked to him a bit when things happened...maybe its becuz his just new...or just nice..but for some reason i found myself trusting him with a little bit more than i would usually give...but honestly...like i said maybe he's just new...so i still couldn't share with him as much as i would hope...however i found out that we were rather similar in many ways...and also unfortunately very different in other ways..still it was nice chatting with him..and it did help me alleviate some of the stress..but as usual...after we parted ways...it came back...in stronger force...because talking to him wasn't the same as talking to someone else...i wasn't being as "me" as i hope for...i still told him truths...just that it was mainly shallow truths...and not my usual self which likes to pour things out.

Oh and in between i also met my mei mei...who ranted to me about our common enemy...who's name rhymes with a sound a dog makes...it was funny hearing her spew profanities everywhere and that kinda cheered me up a little

So on the train to meet BAMS in the evening...it was cool that we skipped...well semi skipped cell to go play LAN..i heard from my mei mei that some of my classmates were there so i tried to pull back the timing till later in the evening so i didn't have to meet them and create the awkward feeling for someone...and thank god it worked...we had fun...but i knew i wasn't in form...and funny enough edwin knew as well...I died a lot more than usual...and i know edwin kept looking and turning at me...i guess he knows somethings not right...kinda wish he didn't...then on the way back that curse of an alex said "lets go to edwin's house" again -.- its almost as if he haven't noticed that we haven't been going there since 9 months ago...and of course that made me feel guilty again...and that further reminded me of the recent events again..and guess what....im back to the moody feeling again...tragic

So i went to bed early...and tossed till about 3 i think before i fell asleep...woke up at 5 plus today cuz i was meeting my classmate for some scholarship stuffs...went to orchard to meet them and we headed to the seminar place...got a crap load of papers...and seeing all the possible scholarships...and my friends (who were all girls) pestered me to check out the army, navy, airforce and police force scholarships in an attempt to teach me how to be hot and awesome...i told them then uniforms turn me off and their reply was "but it turns other girls on!" haha honestly i dont see myself in the army...much less the police...but i still sat thru a nice policewomen's chatter just to get the brochures of the scholarships for police force...now to try and find a way to pass them to the right hands...we then had lunch at soup spoon...and now im home feeling fat and lazy...and then again the feelings come knocking on my head...so now im writing to you mr blog ^^

I guess i wont lie...i definitely miss talking to someone...you're a good friend...and i dunno how to emphasize more that its just a good friend...nothing more...i made mistakes...and i dare say i learnt from it...well the hard way i guess...but still...at least i learnt more about myself...You've been angry with people before...and everytime im always amazed at how you seem to show that you still care about them..i told you before that i wouldnt be able to do that as well as you...but im glad you do...cuz i never expected myself to become one of those that you will be so angry or disappointed with...but now that i am...i really hope i'll be given a chance as well...Im sorry for what i did...please forgive me...

Downhills in life

  Wretched day today...for starters i was separated from my classmates again...so i was alone with random people doing diamond push ups...pull ups (assisted so thank god) and running...and the friend i was supposed to meet...it was cancelled so i guess it would be another few more days...tmr im meeting my junior and cell...and fuck my brain isnt functioning at best to write this crap..and im too lazy to re write...so lets get some flow out

  So after napha i went to ikea with my group...i was damn worried abt what im gonna say to them during the meeting...but halfway Kristine didnt feel too good so we dropped her off home and went to ikea to eat...and the meeting was forgotten...lol...we had some fun there...food was good...were laughing around while looking at stuff...but all this time my mind was elsewhere...but fortunately distraction always worked for me and i pulled thru that outing...we headed back to meet ai weig and i presented my stuff to her..only to find that half my mind is elsewhere..again...jeez..and finally we went to have a focus group...now that was much more interesting...and distracted me quite well

  So yea...whats the distractions for...well for starters...my friendship is shaking again...and the feeling i always get is coming again...and as usual i get worried about the friendship...but my mei mei knocked some sense into me...thats what i like abt her..shes damn blunt and honest with me...and although it was a kick in the balls...it worked...i realized such a big mistake i've always been making...ive been concerned over the friendship..as in the element of friendship...and totally neglected the friend himself...i realized now all this time when i thought i was being a good friend...it was about the friendship rather than the person...such a huge mistake...yes even though caring abt the friendship meant that the person is important...but i really should be caring for the person...that was the same for my ex...i was so concerned for my relationship...and maybe i neglected him...although it seems less likely for him cuz he was a turd (no i dont mean it :P) but thanks to my mei mei...i realized now what i did wrong..and obviously my ego got in the way..but for some magical reason..i just kept quiet for awhile...and admitted to her...yes she's right..

  however the damage has been done...and its no longer in my power to do anything...i've done all i can...i've tried to find out what happened...i've tried to make things right..but now..after getting the hit in the head by my sis...i realized that i've done enough...she suggested that i pour out exactly what i felt and all into one message...send it..and the rest is up to the person...and thats what i did...i admitted my mistakes...i apologized for it...and i asked for forgiveness...now the rest is up to him

  However i know myself very well..i do not wanna lie to myself...i know i wont take it easy..i know everyday i'll still worry...and i know that very soon...my heart will give the tug again...but this time...im ready...i have a full line of distractions ready...and even though im still gonna cry about it (which i wont hold back since my mei mei told me to cry it out)..im not gonna impede anymore...i have trust in my friends that they will know that im true to them...and loyal to them...the rest is up to them...and i shall be here waiting...till they are back...

but on a side extra note...i really hope i do not have to wait 8 months...pain would have been terrible...ok ignore that...

now for minecraft...another world...another life :)

oh mr blog...thanks for being with me these past few days...this may..MAY be the last post that i bug you with in a long time...you deserve a break :P

Letter to Kiddo~

Wow 2 post in a day..i must really be feeling like shit -.- Well i got home and had a good chance to think abt what i would write to someone if i had the chance...and this is it

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Dear kiddo~

  How have you been? hope you have been ok..going through that counselling must have been hard for you...but i guess its for your future to be better so it will be worth it :)

  I really miss you these past 8 months...looking back i realized its gonna be about a year...8 months of no contact with you was kinda torture for me...it was hard to lose the person that i shared most with...that really understood me...and could empathize...and sometimes sympathize with me...but its not all about me...i enjoyed caring for you...its funny sometimes to see you whine about stuff and that made me feel like an older brother to you...i told you before that i'll always look out for you..and i still have...i know your final year paper for sec 2 you did well for Lit...heh same as me when i was in sec 2...i got 98 ^^v beat that :P haha...but yea well done for your lit..and overall...you're still in express...somemore wearing long pants liao...something that i always wanted to see you in...but shame i cant after what happened.

  Sometimes i still wonder how things would have been if i listened to you...if both of us had lied our ways through...maybe we would still be together? well true we are pissing off lots of people being together...but we would have each other to pull us thru...maybe things would have been better? So for this im sorry...i had to betray you and tell the truth to you brother...which was my friend...im sure you remembered the way i treat my friends was much better than my partner? haha i know you sure rmb...cuz you spent so much time mentally torturing me by asking who was more important...how i wished you understood...that I treat my friends well but i'll always treat you like my friend..and something more...cuz thats who you are.

  Anyway right now isn't too good for me...rmb ted? the boy who planned my 18th birthday...had quite a bad tiff with him a few months back...and rmb how he used to always called me every single night...and i'll always tell you to hold on...even though i knew you were sneakily calling me? yea well he's no longer doing that...somehow i got annoyed with the frequency and argued with him...all of a sudden he no longer called me at nights...we still talk...but that made me feel really bad...but rmb the picture of me and him floating above my bed? well sorry..its still there :P I know you get annoyed also that i had that picture...together with another one with CJ...haha but i dont have a picture with you except in my phone..which i still keep by the way...buts its always funny to hear you complain abt those 2 pictures when we are just lazing around on my bed :P

  Anyway about CJ...you didnt know...cuz you already left by then...but we broke up...again...this time the hurt on me was much more...cuz i realized i didnt treasure her as much as i should...my heart was torn between you and her i guess....aaaaaannndd it didnt help that you kept asking me to break with her...but i held on cuz i know i still loved her...well guess your wish came true...shes gone now...and karma has hit my...cuz i lost both of you...i guess i do deserve it...to be forced alone cuz of my unfaithfulness..to both of you

  And of course theres your brother...who is one of my only friends...well i can no longer go to your house since we are forced away frm each other..which means my usual 3 friends suffer the toil too...alex recently lets slip again by saying that we should go to your house...forgetting that im not allow...this is the dunno how many time already...then again im reminded of my action...and this is the consequence...again had we lied to them...maybe things would be better...but i didnt...i told the truth..and for some reason im suffering...i know it wasnt easy for you..maybe thats why in the end you gave up and left me as well...so i cant really blame you...i just wish that we could have gone thru this together.

  So maybe you dont care abt me anymore...but are you wondering how i survived these 8 months? well i know you were fine..cuz all this time you were still happy and totally ignoring me...but i had a nice friend who pulled me through those times...i told him about me...well about us actually...and he never judged me for what i did...he was really accepting and all...bet you would have fallen totally for him lor...but yea..he was really supportive of me...and dont worry..he's not gonna replace you that easily...some small part of me still hope that we can be together again...even though he told me rightfully that i should let go..but im not ready...i know myself...i want to be together with you again...but more importantly the only thing that haunts me is that i lost a friend like you...the loss was really too much for me..and i could have fell if it wasnt for people like him pulling me up...well i dunno...right now he also doesnt seem to be on good terms with me...and i've been alone for this 2 days...no one to talk to...which is why maybe im writing this fake letter to no one...I really need you..rmb the song you attached to me? "I need a doctor" by Dr. Dre...well its true...i was once your mentor..but you have also became mine...we switched roles when thing got hay-wire..and i found myself needing you more than i expected...and i still need you...i used to cry every night after you left...well now i cry only on some nights...heh.. improvement :P

  Well theres so much more i wanna say...like how much you've grown...seeing you last week...i realized you look so much more matured now...no longer the immature little kid that i took care off..you still have the somewhat cheeky smile..you voice changed..slightly...but you're still as short...grow taller la :P Well i still long for the day where we can take the train to church together...as friends...anything else can wait...the thing i truly miss from you is our friendship...and i'll still be waiting for it to be returned..i made you the promise that i would never leave or forsake you...and i intend to keep that promise :) But until that day come...i hope you will continue to be happy and ok...as for myself...well...you know what i always do...and it works...so i guess i'l just carry on that way :P

Yours sincerely
A friend who failed...

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For some reason i feel so much better after writing that...maybe it made me remember the past and think about the person...but somehow im not as emo or sad as just now...well thank you blog for always listening to me when no one else can...although i do hope that you could reply :P humph ok im progressively getting stupid...well tmr napha...fail...and i hope my friend will reply me soon...getting worried..and hope tonight i can sleep~

Where are you(s)

Sigh...seems like an emotional roller coaster for yesterday and probably today...all these is mixed with a little bit of good in it just to keep me going a bit more...

So after my long run yesterday..i got home and felt really lonely...it then hit me how lonely i am during weekdays when i do not have BAMS with me...and my usual chat buddy isnt in the mood for talking so im alone :( But i was surprised when someone sms-ed me to check on how i am...the person was quite nice and chatted with me straight to 2pm...I felt comforted that she was so concerned about the way i do things...but unfortunately that how i always do things

No friendship is perfect...and theres bound to be disagreements...i told her that cuz when someone tells me what the problem is...i'll will do my best to change it...and she said that it may not always be a good idea cuz im the only one doing the changes and not the other person...she asked me "dont you wanna be accommodated sometimes?" I agree...i do...but if my friends are not willing to do it then i am...cuz someone has to keep the friendship going...and i will...she disagreed and said that in the long run i will get tired or angry frm exerting so much energy on it...i was surprised becuz only recently i actually nearly went into rage for that very reason...but i kept it in check and thing went without incident...I told her that honestly i will do anything just to maintain the friendship...and at that very moment...the person was not longer the person...i found myself talking to "someone else" instead...someone that i also said the same thing...but lost my friendship with...thankfully the person fell asleep abruptly...so i went to sleep and didnt think much more.

So today..in the morning i was flopping around...until i rmbed that i had to activate my MS word...i smsed my junior and planned to meet him...oh i also had grp meeting...took the train and tried to sms my emo friend (Who i think should be reading this...so cheer up please...i miss talking to you since i've been holding back a lot of my things cuz i know you're not feeling too good as well...dont wanna trouble you ^^) but got really curt replies...guess hes still not ready to talk to me yet...so i went to school and got more bad news..my junior not gonna meet me cuz he lazy to rush...humph theres goes another cheer up...and to wrap it up..ruth popped by and saw me...dumped her laptop on me and asked me to help her and bounced off...so i was stuck with 3 laptops to settle...which thankfully all went well...called ruth and had a hard time searching for her...found her alone at level 4 so i asked her how come alone...she said others had class so she eating alone..all of a sudden i didnt hate her anymore...and actually wanted to offer to accompany her...but i realized my group is waiting for me...so i just said bye to her...best part was she didnt even insult me once...hmmm :P

So now im stuck in the library with my group...struggling thru our work...and with my mind on so many other things i find it hard to even focus..thank goodness im done with my work anyway...and i already have some ideas for my next blog post...im gonna write a "letter" to a friend that i miss...well he was more than a friend...but the thing i miss most is the friendship...hope you've been well kiddo...

Train blogging

How interesting...I'm on the train to my group mates house and suddenly felt like blogging :P

So guess what...after yesterday's nightmare...I got another one...this time even worse..this time was the very thing I was most worried about happening...and to be honest when I woke up I thought it was real and panicked...then realized it was a dream...but I realized I wasn't as affected by it as I usually would...I definitely was still heavily affected but I tried not to think abt it...hmm...as usual I just hope dreams don't can't true...a silly girl told me yesterday that if I can rmb the dream then it won't come true...haha well for once I shall believe these superstitions :P

Oh and also...can't wait to get back to BB...I miss being somewhere that is away from the "poly" scene....and just be a total kid with all those teenagers who behaves like kids :P

Ok final conclusion...blogging o. The train is much more rushed and weird...haha well that means I won't be doing too much of these then :P

My constant enemy

  Sians...its like things don't want me to be happy...well i woke up frm a bad dream. I dreamt that a few of my classmates abandoned me...they left me while they went off to toa payoh central (yea the location also damn random) while i walked alone to my ah gong house(again random) then on the stairs i met my ex with the worse haircut ever...to which i ignore before i woke up...at least those were the parts i rmb.

  ok but back to the topic...my constant enemy...theres usually only one thing that threatens my friendships...and thats relationship. I rmb the girl (which i know wont be reading this cuz SOMETHING had to happen) who used to be somewhat close to me...we smsed each other in secondary school almost everyday...then she fell in love...with a guy that i knew...wonderful...the next few week was me being their middleman..she tells me tons of things like why she liked him and how much she wanna be with him...usual girl stuff..so i arranged..in a sense...i found out whether he liked her or not...and he did fancy her a bit...so classic lor...with a bit of arrangement and encouraging...both of them got together...happy them..unhappy me...why?

  Cuz after that...guess what...my phone got more quieter...no more girl who was in love...cuz shes busy pouring herself to someone else...and cleanly forgot the person she used to talk to...well sometimes i'll still try and start convo...getting average replies...sometimes slower or totally forgotten...wasnt easy..knowing that i lost someone just cuz she found someone better...but honestly i was never really close to her...talking buddies maybe...but i could still feel the pain when it happened...slowly we lost contact...didnt help that she left school at sec 4...which made it all the more harder to contact her...i think i still have her facebook wandering around somewhere but why should i care?

  and now...i see the same scene painted in front of me all over again...im afraid another friend is going to disappear...this time not just any random talk buddy but really a friend...messages are getting shorter...sometimes slow or maybe even forgotten...i know cuz im in contact with both parties and i know she is getting replies while im sitting where waiting...I realized that my disadvantage and will always be an enemy ready to attack...right now all my friends are guys...and guys are wired this way...they like girls (somehow im laughing at myself when i say this..oh irony) and i'll always lose to a girl...no matter how much i've done for my friend...how much i sacrifice...they will always favor a girl...who probably didnt even do as much...just cuz they are girls, they win...I guess thats what happens when im too close to my friends..maybe its a fact of life that has to happen...but i dont even rmb myself abandoning my friends just cuz i was in a relationship...but as usual...thats me...and i cant force it on others..