Adventure Camp

What an awesome camp...it was an EXCELLENT break from all the poly life and fyp and uni stuff and all...just back to secondary school cca...and just having a great time working with the youths...but more than that..they are my friends, my younger brothers that im am happy to take care of :)

Well it actually started on a bad note...really bad note...but its the usual...i saw "E"...from a distance...i did my bestest to ignore...and soon with the start of BB my mind was back in focus...the year 1s had archery and i was with them...was fun to see some of them try shooting the bow...and one of them even had a bow that's taller than him...of course i couldn't stop making fun of him...I even had the chance to shoot and after a few bad shots...finally got the yellow zone that i was targeting for...now my bows wont keep saying that i can't "Shoot" properly...honestly for a bunch of year 1s their minds are filthy :P one even told me that his "semen can cure cancer" sometimes i dunno whether to laugh or be shocked :P

After archery 2 of my boys insisted on coming to my house to play games...so i allowed them...one promptly flopped on the bed while the other attacked the computer...I had to let them try playing the horror game, slender and one of my boys lucas was so scared after taking a few steps only and he gave up :P after that we went for lunch before heading back to the start of camp

At this part i heard a shocking story...i heard that the 2 boys were planning to transfer school...the form was even sent already...problem with me is that i get very attached to each of by batch of year 1s...thats why no matter how naughty or gangster or rebellious they are...i always leave a space in my time for them...and my devotion to their growth as my priority...to hear that they wanna quit cca...or quit school...or even transfer out...is quite a pain for me...i was sad to hear that to be honest...but i've decided to let fate decide whether they stay or leave...i will be losing 2 of the boys which im close to...cuz if lucas goes then elliot goes as well...those 2 are like peas in a pod :P hard to separate one :P

Anyway lets not think too much sad stuff...at camp my main job was as usual to help out in any of the ways i can and my first job was to help out with map reading and knot tying...but since lucas was so scared of the slenderman i kept scaring him by saying scary stuff abt slenderman stalking him...and in revenge he said he wouldn't share his braise peanuts with me (he knows i love it cuz i went crazy when i saw that he brought it)...so our slenderman vs braised peanuts battle continued almost thru the lesson :P

map reading was normal i guess (boring in my eyes cuz i hate it :P) but knot tying was fun...i allowed some of my boys to spam tie my hands together and i will escape with purely my fingers and not including mouth or other surfaces...was fun and thankfully i could escape all the knots :P After that session it was basha pitching...that one i sat out of it...and instead helped to prepare for the field cooking dinner. We had Clarissa on board with us...was cool cuz she was the only primer that was a girl...and she has a very strong stance and approach to things..which goes both ways honestly...but i know her heart is true to the "advancement of christ kingdom among boys and the promotion of something something reverence, respect and all that tends to a true christian manliness" (What the hell i still almost remember the object of BB O.O too much teaching does that to you)

Throughout the whole discussion was another disaster for me...i kept seeing "E" being adorable as usual...kept running around with frens and laughing...heart SHATTERED! but fuck it i guess?

So after much thinking and planning we started off the field cooking...was funny to see them cook pasta...PASTA! no joke for the first time i see pasta as field cooking food for camp...awesome them. There were huge fires...a burning mass tin...burning vege...a burnt finger of mine (i was the one doing most of the lighting of fuel) but in the end..their meals stood ready...and of course i was beside lucas sharing his braised peanuts :P but only awhile cuz i had chicken rice waiting for me as dinner...but lucas actually came over and brought the peanuts to me instead cuz he knew i liked it...haha so cute sia this kids...they really have huge hearts and really appreciate others :) im extremely proud of all of them...even the naughtier ones cuz for every weakness or defiance they show there is always a redeeming quality if people are willing to search for it.

But after dinner was bad..i realized that the night hike route was &%$* beyond anything..not cuz it sucked...but it was dangerous...i know yishun well and at night...seletar dam is a gathering place for gangs and also street racing...and they expected our boys to cross the dam and come back...my heart was filled with worry...i actually went to each senior and reminded them to take care and control the boys...not to attract attention to themselves...and even prayed a prayer for their safety. (Yea i prayed...now you know how important each of them are to me)

So the hike went not too bad...there were lots of animosity in the group i was with...3 boys were extremely rebellious and simply did whatever they want...and as usual...i take the back seat row and observe how things were handled...and here is where assessment and all the social worky stuff came into use...i watched as their squad leader tried to shout them in place...failed...their squad members pestering them to walk togther...failed...even one of the sir running at lest 200 m to catch up with him asking him to stop and trying to talk to him...failed...to the point whereby i couldn't take it anymore. we were at a pit stop and they were not allowed to buy drinks...but 2 of them insisted and said "sir only what...scared him for what" and headed off to the shop...i ran up to them did some convincing...i didn't have to say much...these boys were the first batch of year 1s i took as a helper in 2010...so i know them rather well...i simply said in chinese "please dont make my position difficult...you know i try my best to see that everyone is happy but its hard for me when you all are doing this cuz i am not in full control cuz im just a helper here" just a simple sentence and they replied "we also dont want to make you feel bad..but sir always like this then (insert vulgarity here)" but in the end..they listened to me and didnt even enter the shop to buy and just went back to the squad...

this is the simple reason why im so nice to them...one of the primers asked why im always so nice to the boys...i would have gave him the answer but it might be to technical...my general rule of thumb with youth is this...do not look at them frm a top down perspective...put yourself at their level...talk as if you're one of them...they may not like you..then earn their respect...once you have achieved that...no matter how rude they are to you...they will always still respect you...because they know that you have been sincere and consistent with them...and to male youths loyalty can be a big thing...i have used the same method to teach all 3 of my year 1s batch and results have always been similar...last year's gangster even thought that i was a gangster cuz of the way i talked with them and all...you really have to earn their respect..once thats done so many of your work with them would be so easy...even now those gangster...one of them is suspended frm school already but he still calls out my name with a huge smile when he sees me..and we can still talk for super long if time allows...such is the rapport that i always build with my year 1s...because starting young means that if you succeed...it will last them for the remaining years and even past that.

However i guess people have different style...and thats why im a helper..i do not wanna be in the system and be expected to shout and scream like a dog...as a helper i can use my own methods...as long as at the end of the day the job is done right...and my image does not demand me to put a fierce face...i rmb one of the boys asking me..why you wanna come back BB....i told them that being with all of them made me feel real and myself....

So obviously i didnt sleep the whole night...as usual...first i spent so much timing convincing 2 of my rebellious boys not to jump over the gate to go to frens house to take things...and instead ask the  fren to pass to them thru the gate...this is also another thing abt the rapport with boys...the amount of things i hear frm them is astounding...most of their complains they tell me in hopes that either i can just listen to them or if i can do something to address the issue...they will trust to tell me things that they are abt to do wrong...so i always have an advance early warning system that tracks most of the negative movements and plans of the boys...allowing me to intervene as much as i can..and not bringing in other authority when not necessary...another section of my time was spent talking to the 3 rebellious boys and soon convincing them to go to sleep...only after that was my job really done and i headed down to join clarissa and some of the primers for prata...there we had a good catching up and bonding session with lots of laughs. then we headed back and i had a super long talk with clarissa abt BB and her future here...was enlightening...but more importantly...the classmate i had for 4 years in sec school is now my "colleague" in bringing BB forward in our own ways...it was great :D

Well after the boys woke up....oh and i woke lucas up well...i whispered into his ears "the slenderman is coming run!" his eyes popped open immediately and i started laughing...and he started whacking me in revenge :P but the boys were extremely tired and lethargic...but thankfully we ended fast and the camp ended

Honestly this was one of the most fruitful camp for me...in terms of the things i have learnt and reinforced in my work with youths...yes my methods may not be liked by others cuz its too soft...but my goal in BB and focus is the boys development and their experience in BB...both of which i can help...and i will...my work here is satisfying...and much more rewarding in the process as well...i ever regretted returning to help BB...im happy here :) 

Will you be the one?

Met someone new at the IRC today...

Well yea...IRC means i was lonely today...but i guess its a good thing i did go in eh? if not i wouldn't have met a new acquaintance...to simplify things with my naming traditions..this person shall be called "G" :P


so i was hopping into the IRC...and really the moment i entered someone opened a private chat with me...the usual ensues...intro...seeking and all this stuff...the person asked for my msn...which i gave and then our convo shifted to msn...so over there was more small talk...i realized "G" was really sincere..."G" wasn't the kind that was just looking for sex...well sure in the end "G" admitted that "G" was horny and thats why "G" went there...but "G" was genuinely worried that i would form a bad impression of "G". "G" kept asking me if i hated "G" cuz "G" was horny and asked things frm me...but i know that "G" was sincere about a friendship as well...something that is lacking frm IRCs..so honestly i wasn't at all angry with "G"...another thing abt "G" was that "G" was a very focused person...when talking to me...i know "G" was always present in the convo...replies were super fast and "G" always knew how to keep convo going...we shared some things abt ourselves...but due to my issue with trust i didnt really trust "G" with almost everything...yea i told "G" abt my past and some of my life...but still...i just met "G"...so slowly ba :P


But one of the most significant things "G" did...which surprised me big time...we exchanged numbers...and before "G" went to sleep "G" sent me a good night message..something which i ever expected in my life frm someone in IRC...i was really happy...i knew "G" was different...at least what appears on the outside...honestly i dunno if "G" is really genuine...i really do hope "G" is..if not...well...i always have "E" to haunt me...

5th september....

Oh great...the days slowly creeping up on me...and i know this due to the lack of sleep, flipping of old photo, memories of the past, and dreams of a "Future" (An impossible future)

Well been busy with things...yea really...in order to survive thru this period i told myself to immerse myself in tons of things to keep busy and stay alive...and honestly not easy..becuz when my mind is attacked by "E", nothing else matters...no amount of animations, shows, games or activities can help it.

Well honestly its still good that im living my dreams of making animations, it helps keep my mind of things and also gives some of my life back frm FYP. been making minecraft animations and playing around with animating techniques...all super fun.

However today i experienced something which i probably never felt before...i was at a wedding when all of a sudden...i was filled with immense sadness frm the fact that my future is so uncertain...marriage? for me? i wonder...marriage with "E" is definitely out of the question, and since my heart is still stuck and not ready to move on..what will happen to my future? will i be single? will i finally find someone else? i realized how much i dont know abt myself and also my future...and at that moment it just hit me what a loser and failure i am...others are probably gonna have a simple time during this phase of their life while i struggle against things that are out of my control. I really dunno what to expect now...and that thought really dampen me down to so many levels..i was supposed to learn more animation techniques but my mind just isnt at the state to do that

I was supposed to talk to my fren abt this..but i realized that i shouldnt...why should anybody care abt it...they will never understand how hard it is..to them im just another normal teenager who just have a tougher time...they wont know the amount of thought i go thru just for myself and the amount of dissonance i have to struggle everyday...

3rd's a charm?

Well...today i committed my third betrayal...wait before you get sniping...its one of those "I have to betray you cuz im loyal to another person" type...so whether im wrong or not is up to anyone's judgment, but for me...i blame myself...as usual...as always.

Well lets start with the very first one shall we...which involves the infamous "E"...well i had to betray  "E" because i was loyal to "E" brother, and honestly i do treasure my friends above almost all else. Obviously "E" wasnt happy...and i was plagued with the guilt for long enough. those were also the first times where i tried cutting myself...courtesy of "E"s habits...it was more of a symbolic thing for me...kinda like punishment? twisted yea..but cuts are never deep...cuz honestly i a bit no balls one la...pain a bit can...too much cannot...never knew how "E" can have 6 deep cuts so easily

Then the second time...lollers thankfully this one wasnt too serious...how do i know that? well cuz i myself cant really rmb the exact details...i know it was recently...i might even have blogged about it...but im too lazy to search...but i know that as usual, i have to tell my friend things which i was told not to tell him...but i still did cuz i made the promise not to keep things frm him

Then today, well long story short...things happened...I heard about somethings that were going to happen to him (it was for his ow good, but breaches his trust), I was not in favor of it but cuz i had 2 against me so i told them that if that is what they feel is right (which they do, and also right) then go ahead. I wanted to keep silent abt it but i know my friend well...he would not have taken kindly to it...and so i went to tell him what happened. This time for the first time i experienced something, doubt, I doubted myself as to whether i should say..but too late..the moment i open my mouth..it was too late for me to change my mind...i would have the info wringed out of me anyway...and in the end i said it...and as expected the reaction was bad...real bad...confrontation soon ensued and while it all took place, i was struggling with myself as to whether what i did was right...and as usual i knew i should have kept quiet...and not said anything...these are the times when staying loyal make me doubt my policy...abt whether its right...am i too focused on the person that im loyal to? people once said that you don't need too many frens but once you do find them staying loyal is impt. Im not sure

But the one thing that troubled me most was...did my loyalty really meant anything to anyone? at the end of the day am i just a passing phase...is it cuz i dont have a pussy? so my care and concern are immediately lowered or reduced? or issit cuz i just appeared fake and scheming, or maybe just no trust at all...or thinking that the trust i give is fake.so many options that ran thru my mind...organizing emotions were so difficult. I was sad...that i had to betray someone, and that my friend was in such a state, ( lol he need a doctor ;) )...on the other hand im somewhat in a good mood cuz i know that i did the right thing, at least to him cuz i stayed true to him...but then when i think of that i wonder if it really matters? will i end up as a passing phase...or does he really appreciate my loyalty...cuz at the end of the day...i seem to always take second standing to another person..no matter how much i try to prove my loyalty...i will always be thrown into the light of doubt suddenly...and especially recently that i've found out that a grp of people that i did trust did not trust me at all...it was a hard shock for me...that i have been doubted...i cant blame them they have their reason...and so in the end...all i can do is to trust them...again...as usual im on the bottom of this "mind game" food chain...where im always the one adapting and people playing..

i guess at the end of the day...if i do sort things out properly...i should be happy that i stayed loyal...that is one thing that i take pride in...and i should not regret my choice...however it doesn't mean my action was right to other parties...and so in that sense i should be ashamed as well...my only worry now is that the party i betrayed...has always been close to that friend...and what if one day...they all leave me...then my sacrifice today was in vain, somehow thats a scenario im slowly trying to prepare myself for...i dont want it to happen...but right now..i dunno what can happen...anything can...but for now..im tired...drained...sick...weak...and once again finding myself longing for a comforting hug frm "E", or just any other person that was impt to me...but im destined to be alone thru my problems and i should be getting stronger for it

I need a doctor...

p.s. for the sake of simplicity "E" represents the person

Dr.Dre- I need a Doctor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m3vtWYCuMg

http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-need-a-doctor-lyrics-eminem.html

Some of you all who knows me well...should know that i'm not a song person...so how come i know this song...well someone special attached this song to me...told me that the song reminded the person of me...and that the lyrics was the exact situation we were in back then...and how true...But after "E" left me 10 months ago...I've never played or listened to this song again... up till now...and it brought me to the biggest emotional breakdown I've had because of this person.

"E" have this cute habit of attaching songs to important people in "E"s life...and "E" told me that this was the song attached to me...i was confused so "E" played the song and let me read the lyrics...i still rmb it was during a sleep over at "E"s house and we were lying down in front of the laptop playing that music...and as i read the lyrics i was in shock...it really was our situation, and almost exactly how we were.

But now that "E" has left my life, and that I've finally dug out some courage to listen to the song again, i cant help but rewind my mind to back then when we were listening to the song together and also analyzing it together.

It got interesting from stanza 4 onward. That was when "E" was explaining to me how this song was related to us. "E" talked about how i was different, and how i actually was nice to "E", did not see "E" as a nuisance or bother, always looking out for "E" and also never leaving "E" out of anything. "E" said it was like "breathing life into 'E' " and giving "E" something to be happy about. I rmb giving a smile and putting my hand over "E"s shoulder at that point.

Then hopping to stanza 7, "E" told me how during these times when its getting hard for both of us...how I was struggling with my issues of protecting "E" and also pleasing others...and how because of wanting "E" to be happy i had to trade my own happiness and get into more trouble. "E" told me that"E" felt bad that i was going through all these because of "E". What worries "E" most was that i was losing confidence in myself...and i told "E" that im not sure what im doing is right anymore. I began doubting myself and "E", just like how the sentence "You don't believe in you no more" went. I was slowing losing my ability to help him...

Then at stanza 8 shit really hits the fan..."E" told me how our roles have been reversed...how i used to be the one always helping "E" but now it seems like iIve traded my peace for his...now it seems like i'm going thru more than "E" and "E" is the one keeping my alive, being my "doctor". "E" talked about some of my rash decisions that i've made, and also decisions that we talked about, how i kept doubting myself and allowing "E" to make the decisions instead. I lost my will and confidence because of how things turned out (and side track, praying to God DID NOT fucking help at all)...the lyrics "Like i'm your leaders, your supposed to fucking be my mentor" showed how things have changed...and how I grown to rely on "E" in life.

"E" used stanza 9 to let me know how much things have passed...how i always believed in "E", always gave "E" confidence to make decisions..how I encouraged "E" to tell the truth to "E"s cell leader or friends..just like how "Everyone at the fucking label, lets tell the truth". Both me and "E" were labeled...but i always told "E" that if you trust the person then tell the truth. There was also about the career, in all essence "E" is my friend, but "E" was also my "client". and because of what happened i don't deny that i broke my code of ethics BIG time, and still life with the guilt today. the next line made both of us laugh actually..but its an inside joke ;)

As for stanza 10..."E" simply told me that "E" would not leave me in the lurch, because of how i did not leave "E" in the lurch. I was really moved by what "E" said..."E" told me how much "E" still needed me, how i was someone true to "E", and I promised "E" i would never leave, and would always be waiting for "E"...and even now..after 10 months..i still am.

As for the chorus, its as simple as it is...We both needed Doctors in our life, and each of us are each of our doctors :'(

and now, im crying like an idiot again...I lost my doctor...and i need a doctor...im still waiting for you "E", and as the 1 year mark comes...i don't know how long more i can hold out :'(