Good morning...well afternoon-ish i guess

Oh well...the start of a new week...time to worry about FYP...again...and also about the usual stuff...life seems to be like a slog as things after things keep mounting on me and dragging me down


Anyway compared to the past few nights...this time i totally cannot rmb my dream..oh well..must have been not important i guess...and now im rendering videos and laughing at myself again in minecraft...will upload soon...tmr i gotta meet my group again to settle the manual and stuff...not sure if im gonna have the patience for it..with my mind so messed up with other things...i find it hard to focus on one thing nowadays


I guess as usual...im waiting...again...for a chance to rectify my mistakes...im not sure how it will appear...and worst is i cannot start or initiate...cuz its a risk of pissing the other party off...so all i can do is wait for the other party to start or initiate...and god knows how long i have to wait...cuz everyday i wait is an extra day of regret or guilt for me...


However im afraid...last night when i was rolling around..i realized this thing is slowly changing me...im not sure how to explain...but all the emotions or pressure is slowly changing what i know of myself..i feel different when i woke up...i know its a bad sign...i dun wanna go back to how i was...it sucks..it was miserable...it was cold...i wanna be who i am now...but i find myself slowly changing back to last time...and im trying my best to resist...I like the person i am now..not back then..and i dun wanna lose it.


I wanted to call wei zhe just now to see if he wanted to go forest exploring with me...then i rmbed that the forest was screwed...that..if anything else...made me feel even worse...i lost my solitude area of tranquility as well...I havent talked to much people recently..and even been ignoring my group's post on facebook for long time...until they reminded me then i'll just reply...i realized im slowly returning to my anti-social self...and im afraid i do...cuz i dont like it..i hate it...and i realized that my method of playing loner games is only making things worse for me..its only gonna remind me of how i was last time


Well i guess im happy that i was aware of this earlier...i actually wanted to play skyrim the whole day today...but decided to head down to CareHut instead...i miss those kiddos...and im afraid i may already have forgotten some of their names :( thats the problem when you commit yourself to so many kids...and now that i think abt it...carehut is not too far frm bedok..now im contemplating whether i should initiate a dinner and talk things out...but that would put me at a risk of him getting angry with me cuz i didnt "allow him to be alone"...heh heh which reminds me of a good idea...put my robotic mind to good use and come up with a decision


So: I am presented with an opportunity..and i'll judge based on favorable and non favorable response
Green for favorable
Red for non favorable
Blue for neutral


1:Sms my friends and ask to meet for dinner to talk things out
    1a: He accepts and i can talk things out with him
        1aa: Everything goes well and we become back to normal again :)
        1ab:The talk fails and he is even more angry than me :(
    1b:He sms me that hes not in the mood to talk and i leave it as that '-'
    1c:He totally ignores me and get angry that i didnt give him his space :(


2:Dont sms my friend and just continue waiting
   2a:Continue to suffer in silence :(
   2b:my friend is happy that i did not disturb him :)


So as you can see...to be honest option 2 is more favorable becuz i have a 1 in 2 chance of making a good choice...as compared to option 1 which is more complicated and thus only have a 1 in 4 chance of having a good choice...so by right i should go for option 2...and just go home after meeting my kids


However a small part of me wanna try...this is not just any random choice in life..which this method is wad i try to do...this involves a friendship...and its too important to me...they always say trust your heart more than your mind...and i always said no to that...but for this..i'll trust my heard...I'll take the risk and sms him...and hope that it will turn out favorable...it can really go 2 way...and i honestly am considering the option to pray for it...like serious...PRAY for it..but im not gonna do that...my friendship is MINE...not GODS...and i'll fix it...NOT God.