Wow 2 post in a day..i must really be feeling like shit -.- Well i got home and had a good chance to think abt what i would write to someone if i had the chance...and this is it
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Dear kiddo~
How have you been? hope you have been ok..going through that counselling must have been hard for you...but i guess its for your future to be better so it will be worth it :)
I really miss you these past 8 months...looking back i realized its gonna be about a year...8 months of no contact with you was kinda torture for me...it was hard to lose the person that i shared most with...that really understood me...and could empathize...and sometimes sympathize with me...but its not all about me...i enjoyed caring for you...its funny sometimes to see you whine about stuff and that made me feel like an older brother to you...i told you before that i'll always look out for you..and i still have...i know your final year paper for sec 2 you did well for Lit...heh same as me when i was in sec 2...i got 98 ^^v beat that :P haha...but yea well done for your lit..and overall...you're still in express...somemore wearing long pants liao...something that i always wanted to see you in...but shame i cant after what happened.
Sometimes i still wonder how things would have been if i listened to you...if both of us had lied our ways through...maybe we would still be together? well true we are pissing off lots of people being together...but we would have each other to pull us thru...maybe things would have been better? So for this im sorry...i had to betray you and tell the truth to you brother...which was my friend...im sure you remembered the way i treat my friends was much better than my partner? haha i know you sure rmb...cuz you spent so much time mentally torturing me by asking who was more important...how i wished you understood...that I treat my friends well but i'll always treat you like my friend..and something more...cuz thats who you are.
Anyway right now isn't too good for me...rmb ted? the boy who planned my 18th birthday...had quite a bad tiff with him a few months back...and rmb how he used to always called me every single night...and i'll always tell you to hold on...even though i knew you were sneakily calling me? yea well he's no longer doing that...somehow i got annoyed with the frequency and argued with him...all of a sudden he no longer called me at nights...we still talk...but that made me feel really bad...but rmb the picture of me and him floating above my bed? well sorry..its still there :P I know you get annoyed also that i had that picture...together with another one with CJ...haha but i dont have a picture with you except in my phone..which i still keep by the way...buts its always funny to hear you complain abt those 2 pictures when we are just lazing around on my bed :P
Anyway about CJ...you didnt know...cuz you already left by then...but we broke up...again...this time the hurt on me was much more...cuz i realized i didnt treasure her as much as i should...my heart was torn between you and her i guess....aaaaaannndd it didnt help that you kept asking me to break with her...but i held on cuz i know i still loved her...well guess your wish came true...shes gone now...and karma has hit my...cuz i lost both of you...i guess i do deserve it...to be forced alone cuz of my unfaithfulness..to both of you
And of course theres your brother...who is one of my only friends...well i can no longer go to your house since we are forced away frm each other..which means my usual 3 friends suffer the toil too...alex recently lets slip again by saying that we should go to your house...forgetting that im not allow...this is the dunno how many time already...then again im reminded of my action...and this is the consequence...again had we lied to them...maybe things would be better...but i didnt...i told the truth..and for some reason im suffering...i know it wasnt easy for you..maybe thats why in the end you gave up and left me as well...so i cant really blame you...i just wish that we could have gone thru this together.
So maybe you dont care abt me anymore...but are you wondering how i survived these 8 months? well i know you were fine..cuz all this time you were still happy and totally ignoring me...but i had a nice friend who pulled me through those times...i told him about me...well about us actually...and he never judged me for what i did...he was really accepting and all...bet you would have fallen totally for him lor...but yea..he was really supportive of me...and dont worry..he's not gonna replace you that easily...some small part of me still hope that we can be together again...even though he told me rightfully that i should let go..but im not ready...i know myself...i want to be together with you again...but more importantly the only thing that haunts me is that i lost a friend like you...the loss was really too much for me..and i could have fell if it wasnt for people like him pulling me up...well i dunno...right now he also doesnt seem to be on good terms with me...and i've been alone for this 2 days...no one to talk to...which is why maybe im writing this fake letter to no one...I really need you..rmb the song you attached to me? "I need a doctor" by Dr. Dre...well its true...i was once your mentor..but you have also became mine...we switched roles when thing got hay-wire..and i found myself needing you more than i expected...and i still need you...i used to cry every night after you left...well now i cry only on some nights...heh.. improvement :P
Well theres so much more i wanna say...like how much you've grown...seeing you last week...i realized you look so much more matured now...no longer the immature little kid that i took care off..you still have the somewhat cheeky smile..you voice changed..slightly...but you're still as short...grow taller la :P Well i still long for the day where we can take the train to church together...as friends...anything else can wait...the thing i truly miss from you is our friendship...and i'll still be waiting for it to be returned..i made you the promise that i would never leave or forsake you...and i intend to keep that promise :) But until that day come...i hope you will continue to be happy and ok...as for myself...well...you know what i always do...and it works...so i guess i'l just carry on that way :P
Yours sincerely
A friend who failed...
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For some reason i feel so much better after writing that...maybe it made me remember the past and think about the person...but somehow im not as emo or sad as just now...well thank you blog for always listening to me when no one else can...although i do hope that you could reply :P humph ok im progressively getting stupid...well tmr napha...fail...and i hope my friend will reply me soon...getting worried..and hope tonight i can sleep~
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