But first,the paper was ok today, surprisingly. and also the NS medical checkup went well, and i thot it was gonna be a good day ahead. But while on the taxi home, the taxi drove past "E" house, and i saw "E" at the bus stop with someone else. "E" had one hand over the other person's shoulder and they seemed quite happy, quite like a couple...
I couldn't control myself, at that moment all that was in my head was that i lost all hope of having "E" back already, wanted to cry but couldn't. Had a close friend in the taxi as well but we were with someone else who i don't really know well. So i kept quiet till we left the taxi, and i tried to whisper what i saw to my close friend, she didn't receive the message and somehow at that moment, i thought of the image, thought of the past and couldn't control anymore,i ran off to the back alleys so no one could see me cry. Life is unfair when the people you care for most leaves you, and the torture when you see the person with someone else. That friend of mine called to check and i realized i really needed someone to talk to. At first i wanted to just go home and play games and forget everything but i realized i wasnt capable of it anyway. So i grabbed my bike, and cycled back to the busstop i saw "E". I wanted to see the other person, but i guess it didnt really made a difference to me. They were'nt there anymore and i just went to find somewhere to seat down
I went through all the past messages with "E" and also the photo, the one and only one that is left of "E" and me...even as i read the past messages there were flaws in our relationship. However i guess i didnt really care. I was happy taking care of "E" and i didnt really need anything in return. But i guess thats not true either. I wanted "E"'s love as well, and kinda got it, but it was never a full love. I was an option, and happen to be the most available.
So after talking a long long time with my friend (who effectively smacked me in my brain to knock some sense into me) i realized that there may be a future out there better for me. Its uncertain, but i know im ready. If someone better came my way, i know that if the relationship is going to be sincere and genuine, then i will also be ready to let "E" go. But until that person comes, im not ready to let go of "E". I like thinking about "E". and as my friend said, i liked to torture myself. sounds so sadomasochistic, but well, since when did love make sense?
A little part of me still hoped that what i saw was just a misunderstanding. "E" has always been a person who likes hugs and physical touch, so maybe that was just a gesture of friendship. I hope so, i have that irrational hope that "E" will come back. yea irrational cuz im hurting myself if i continue hoping, but i guess im willing to go through it, if it means that there is a chance of getting "E" back..
Oh well, anyway tmr last paper of my life in awhile, then attachment. I really need to spend more time with my BB boys, and also all the people related to BB. I realized that was the group that made me feel more human.not a broken wreck. My class has been great as well (aside from a couple of others) but generally i've had great experiences with my class, and now that the chapter of poly is coming to a close soon, i look ahead and wonder whats to come. Somehow, "E" is somewhere in the future, i hope for it :(
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