If only you were still with me, we can share laughs together, we can cry together, hug, snuggle, smile, love, chatter, argue, bitch or even just day dream. I can still love you, take care of you, make sure your ok, make sure you go to school, or that your heart is not aching, make sure that your wrist is just fine and make sure your mornings to school wont be so boring...all of a sudden i miss those time.
So once again i find myself not being able to sleep. and after reading my friends blog and his post about happiness and how to handle being friend-zoned...i envy him. His positive attitude towards life and setback really made him different frm most people. (unfortunately his name...why couldn't you be called edwin? or emmanuel, or erandor?..not to say its a bad name though...its a DAMN good name :P)
But i guess after reading thru it i realized something...lucky you...you were friend-zoned...i wasn't even given the luxury...in the name of the "lord", i was forced to be apart, i was condemned for doing wrong (which i do not deny frm it) and "exiled", made to lose ALL contact and presence. That's the difference. To ask me to find joy in that seems like asking me to find fragrance in a pile of elephant droppings. If i was friend-zoned i would have been a happy cat right now...but it wasn't the case. I have been silenced and apart for 11 months now...and soon i can mourn the 1 year mark. I have this naive thinking that it might be over, but after accidently "stumbling" upon recent photos of said person, i feel that reality hit me again
i miss you
i still think of you
and i think i might still love you
i guess most of me wants a friendship back...maybe its too much to ask for the relationship back, since there are so many things against us. it was nice while it lasted...but i guess if its impossible, then friendship maybe? in the first place i was the one who wanted it to be a friendship, to end the relationship status, remain as friend. but in a blink everything turned against me and im the one at fault for everything, all because i was too damn loyal to my friends and didn't keep my mouth shut.
Back then, i was hell bent on having you as a friend..nothing more...but after we were forced apart...and during this 11 months...i realized a terrible repercussion, something nobody..including me ever anticipated..
It time to be truthful, all those times i said i miss you...a little part of me believed that i can get over you...and move on in life...i always believed that...but as the days and times go by...my desire and love for you somehow grew instead of diminished...in normal circumstances absence of someone makes a person slowly get over...true they may miss that person like mad, but after awhile the lack of presence simply makes the person fade away...so how come for me its not the case...how come as days go by..i realized i like you more and more...instead of saving me...this stupid plan is cursing me to love someone that seems like i will never get. Well the plan was to save you in the first place i guess...they were your family, your FUCKING pastor, your equally FUCKING church...all of them plan was to save you...oh dont worry about me...i'll be fine...im not part of the church anyway..just a random friend that comes on sunday...so dont worry...our flock of holy fucktards need to be cared for first...visitors second...yea thats right...you're beautiful plan worked damn well...it made the beneficiary a happier person...but it left me more broken, and slowly sinking.
Last sunday i realized (well after having "E"s parents sitting so proximally close to me -.-) how much shit i have gone through, and how much these assholes DON'T KNOW that i have to go through. I bet they believe im coping just fine...they always say "oh church is a place for everyone, and under the eye of the lord all are equal" and so they pretend to be nice and huge smiled people...shaking hands with me with their usual "good morning the lord bless you"...you'll be lucky if i dont blast at you...all i can do is give a weak smile and look away quickly...shaking hands as shortly as possible. you know what...doing that...giving me your smiles...makes me even more pissed...makes me feel that you are so fucking fake...that when you are in church you give huge smiles...but out of church you hate me so much...fuck you...no fuck you all who are so fake...who faked yourself when you are in church.
that sunday was also the first time in awhile since i declined the communion, i realized that i am sick of calling myself a christian...fuck this...when my christian life started it was nothing but disaster..everything went downhill...the people who hurt me the most were christian, heck even the religious leaders damaged me with his stupid plans...look at him now...does he even care about me...he hasn't even asked about me since (ok maybe cuz i try to avoid him) but i mean point proven, why should you care? as long as your flock is fine..who is this random visitor to you? nothing...let him be collateral damage...I hate you...i hate you for ruining my life...i hate you for coming up with your plan..i hate you
so i decided not to take a bloody bread and cup..i decided at that point...i will not be a christian. Even in the latest form frm my lecturer for attachment, when they asked for my religion...yes i hesitated and wanted to put christian, but in the end i put free thinker (well nearly put atheist). For this period i am not a christian...i am ashamed to call myself that..after seeing what these people do "in the name of god"
I told myself that i will give myself 1 month. all the way until the 5th september...the date where i received my last message frm "E"... Simple...if there is a miracle during this period of 1 month...then yes, i will believe in this holy one again. I was thinking abt what i wanted...yes if "E" comes back to me of course i'll be happy...but i dunno...i dont even expect the relationship anymore...i just wanna be friends again...thats all im asking for...and im giving 1 month for it..but thats not the only thing..i realized that im giving so many chances...chances for myself to get back into this accursed community. i realized that there were so many things that could make me believe in god again...any one of those fuckers...pastor, parents, even the church members has this small little chance that they may accidently move my heart and make me come back. However my greatest desire is just the friendship back...a long shot i guess...but 1 month...i'll wait...when the next communion comes...i will either partake in it..or decline it...but once i decline it on that day...i will never partake in communion again...because at that time i would have given up on this community... in fact by 5th september if nothing has happened...i will not only leave the faith...but probably everything in relation to it...i might leave cell...i dont think i want to leave the people...because that is not fair for them...but any form of religiousity i will put behind...and return back to an atheist...because in the end...when i was an atheist..i was happy...when i was a christain, i was miserable.
Even thru all this...i actually wanted to talk to my cell abt it...but the people there...its a bad combi...3 of them are just all about fun...all abt play...and probably never take it seriously...and among these 3, 1 of them is intertwined into my problems.. there is the cell leader..which is a good person..but i just dont know him well enough yet...there is a girl..which is such a sweet girl...but would never understand...becuz she is already too religious...the remaining 2 im not even close enough to comment. so in the end...i realized cell is not good enough an outlet. i love that cell...last week alex even prayed that the cell stayed strong and together...i was happy to hear that..but after the following sunday...i realized i may be the first to leave..i really dont want this to happen...in fact if i stopped going to church..i might still want to come for cell..as a free thinker of course...but i feel that cutting all ties seems to be the best method
Well...after all..christians believe that if there is a problem you should cut away all ties with the problem right...cut "E" away from me...so that "E" can be better...while not caring abt me? well you are right...if this religion is my problem...i will cut it away frm me.
5th september...wednesday..i know that at the end of that day..i will still miss you...i would probably still love you..and think abt you...lets just be friends...please...the thing i miss most is not the relationship...not the kiss or the laughs...the thing i miss most is you...you're entire person and being...not just one component...just like any of those who i consider as friend...you are one of them..and when i say i miss you..or if any of my friends...its not just about the talk or laughs or games...i miss them as a whole...and i miss you as a whole :'(
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