Its been awhile...

Been awhile since i last wrote anything...well cuz i have been effectively keeping myself busy with games (ok and school work) and its somewhat working out...but as august comes to a close and September looms closer..i realized again that my life is at risk of another bout of sadness.

Well lets start with the most pressing thing first...5th september...its coming...and im probably gonna kill myself if i cant survive through it..well maybe not...there's lots of things holding me back...but i haven't been able to talk abt stuff or just share my burden or load...so all these things has been bouncing all over my head. Well i have been lucky to have 2 classmates frm my FYP group...2 person that i never expected to get closer to but im glad i did...they made me feel much more "normal" and sometimes i even open up to them to talk a little more. It does help (God im such a girl =.=) when i talk to people, sharing helps to ease the pain somewhat.

So how about my old confidant? He's gone with the wind :P no la...but i realized i've been pestering him too much abt my problems for these past year...and now that he has his own issues to go thru...i shouldn't be disturbing him...although the only person that i do feel most comfortable talking to is him, i still have to hold back no matter how much i want to talk. Recently he just told me that he's going to disappear for awhile...well the old me would have panicked, feel sad about it and start asking too many question. I realized thanks to him i also changed a lot...my heart is no longer as soft as last time (well for others i think its still quite soft) and honestly i know that when he says "disappear", he's still going to be playing games and thru that...will still end up having people to talk to abt games...so im not as worried about him "disappearing and not talking to anyone" cuz i know its probably not happening...maybe that's why i can calmly just let it go. But still...it will be nice to have the old times where i can just chatter about that jerk to him and even though there's no advice or anything..it just feels good to have someone listening

Speaking of listening, there has been another classmate that has been really sweet to me, she has been super concern with me and has been sending encouraging messages. I feel like confiding to her but honestly...i dunnno how she will react. I had plans to meet her for supper one day...and even if i dont share, at least it would be a good catch up session. I find that she is really a highly misunderstood person...and honestly i appreciate her company a lot (aaaannndd then i'll be called a traitor or spy cuz i hang out with her....guys...sometimes i have to agree that guys, myself included can be so immature)

and finally, my dear "G" who has proven to me that people in chatrooms can be honest as well (1% of them only though) I think its almost a few months already and we are still talking :) "G" makes me feel like im somebody and really a super unique person. But as usual, trust with me is a very difficult thing and i find it hard to trust people. Im still worried that "G" is just faking it...i dunnno...but as of now..im glad we talk...i dont really share too much with "G". After all i haven't even met in person yet, but still, its nice to have someone older to talk to. not to mention that "G" still treats me like a little kid :P

since we are on the topic of "Single-Letter-Alphabets-Representing-Important-People-In-My-Life-But-Identity-Have-To-Be-Kept-Secret"...lets not forget "E", havent been seeing that donkey for quite awhile, mostly fleeting, but "E" has been visiting my mind a lot more often these days...maybe again its the 5th september coming, and a wee part of me is kinda wishing that on the 5th september i will get a call frm "E" saying that "E" is coming back to me...well...im in a fantasy i guess...but i find myself longing for a lot of old times to come back...back then it was so much happier...so much less alone.

Buuutt! im lucky :) Been getting a lot more frm BB these past few days. got super close to some of my year 1 boys and they were all pestering me to become an officer, so that i would be able to join them in future for overseas trips and all...i wa really touched by what they said because i know that to them im somebody. Furthermore they were also pestering me to follow through with them thru all 4 years. My role in BB was always for the past 3 years, to initiate the year 1s into the BB culture...i have been taking 3 year 1s batches so far...and this batch is the one that im closest to, and also the batch that has made me feel such a huge sense of achievement. they were asking me to continue teaching them next year..instead of moving back to the new year 1s...they kept suggesting other primers to take the year 1s so that i can continue with them to year 2. Such a simple request made me feel so appreciated, and even though im tempted to agree, i do have a job to do. Anyway its not like im going to just abandon them...i'll still be there...just like im still there for my first batch of year 1s..who are now year 3s :) time flies.

Anyway i guess life is still lots of ups and downs...and i realized i didnt write anything abt unisim...well CUZ I DONT CARE! so i guess for now its really a lot abt distracting myself...and hope i dont take my life on the 5th september...and maybe...just maybe..slowly get over "E" (although i kinda like "E" visiting my dreams:P)