FU

You know...i remember reading someone else facebook status saying "a man who takes out his anger on his wife is no father of mine" yes it is true...that bastard may be my father by name but not by heart...

Heres the full story...as usual i was at home alone...minding my own business...at peace with everything...then kor kor called me to discuss project so we were talking on the phone...then then bastard came home...i heard him but i couldnt care less cuz the project was getting irritating...then he came in to the room holding his fish worm food and looking like an ass hole...he mumbled something but i was talking on the phone so he just stood there and looked at me like a turd he is...so i told kor to wait while i found out what the hell he wanted...he told me that the fridge was spoilt and started saying that its becuz i never close properly and it spoilt....so i "orh" him and went back to work...im more concerned about my project that his unjustified accusations that he is so prone of doing. so he left the room and started mumbling about me using too much computer...yea...typical woosie.

so then my mum came home and then i heard him complaining about the fridge and me using too much com...at that point i lost all concentration on project cuz im worried...i hate it when he takes the problem to my mum cuz he will accuse her for not doing anything but actually she did...she does things in a better and nicer way that that bastard and thats why we (me and bro) loves her more and tells her more things. the bastard felt like he was a bad person so he always accuse my mum for letting him be a bad person..well simply put...you are a bad person becuz you cant fucking speak in a peaceful manner in front of others...you cant put your message thru without having to raise your voice just cuz you think its more powerful that way...i spit in response to that...but already did that before so no point.

so of course after settling the project hastily i went to confront him...i made it clear to him that any problem i cause him he should come directly to me and not my mum...i dun wan my mum to be responsible for my actions...so i told that to him...then to be nice i asked him what he wanted from me...then he launched into a lengthy nag about all the things he wants...me go uni..me get results...me use less com..me spend more time outside watching tv rather than in the room...the electric bills...me and my bro sleeping early...just to name a few...all this time i was ignoring...cuz i know him well...i could simplify everything for him...but i did not at that point cuz i was overwhelmed at the fact that he never cared about me or my well being...all he cared about was the results...so i left the room in a huff and also a little bit of tears in my eye.

i went to my room...switch off the light and com..since he wan to save electricity and me use less com...and then i just broke down and cried...i couldnt take it...i always had to score good results even though im not the study type..i try my best..sometimes it pays off..sometimes it doesnt...but he expects me to always get good results...and i regret scoring well for year 1...cuz now i set myself a target that i probably cant maintain...im sick of having to worry about results cuz there are things like exams...

so i was crying there...i heard my bro come home but i didnt care...then i heard the bastard came out of one of the rooms...i heard him shouting at my mum about him always being the bad guy..then he went to the room and slammed the door...right then and there...something took over me...i stopped crying immediately...i wanted him dead...cold stone dead...i wanted him to die...i wanted him out of my life...thats was the anger i felt...becuz even after i told him not to take it out on my mum...that shit eating, dog raping, filthy, cunt faced, dickhead of an asshole still did it...anger and rage took over me...but i tried to calm down...changed the murderous side to the feeling of wanting to be alone instead...to calm myself first...then i went into the room and confronted him again...i still had anger...i gave him the murderous stare that my whole family knew i could give..a stare that silenced many kids and scared many friends...i gave that to him...and confronted him why did he still scold my mum...i knew then and there he panicked...cuz he did not shout back..he did not look at me..he just said "i never scold her..i only say her" (direct translation from chinese)...then i said that wasnt saying cuz he shouted and slammed the door...i know he scolded...and he knew that too..cuz then he just started ignoring me...i asked him once again what he wanted from me...cuz it seems like he got lots of problem with me..so i wanted to know...once again he launched into his fucked up nagging about what he wanted...his story about him not earning more money...accused me of comparing him with other richer parents (like a give a fuck) and so on...all this time i talked in a calm and polite voice...but that ass just shouted or raise his voice...

first of all i acknowledge his stress...its not easy for him cuz he's a contract worker and can lose his job anytime..he's the main provider as well...and both son's are still studying..jaymond's gonna go to tertiary soon and its gonna put more stress on him...all these i can understand...what i hate about him is he drags my mum into it with his scolding...if my mum wants to be involve she has her own way to do it...and bloody hell is it a better way that his...my mum cares for us..and she has her way of doing so...that bastard maybe cares for us...but the way he does things never goes...and from the way he speaks...he doesnt really give a damn about my well being..i told him that i was stressed...i told him that i might not live up to his expectation...does he care...nope..he simply shruggs it off and than continue his speech about how i need good grades and all...his speech took like bloody 20-30 minutes...and all those time i was just hearing...not listening...cuz i knew what was coming...i knew ultimately what he wanted...he doesn't care about how i feel...all he wants is me to be the person HE wants me to be...and just to check if im right...i asked him "ok so simply put, you want me to use less computer right?" fucker said "YA" so proudly like as if he got his message thru...why thank you...thank you for caring only about the computer....thank you for caring only about my results...he wants me to talk to the family more?...well do they know why im on the com...cuz im talking to my friends who does a bloody hell better job understanding me than that filthy piece of crap. I have friends and lecturers who cares more about me than my own father...do you know how sucky that is?

you know...after writing all this...i ask myself "why the hell do i care?" currently all i need him to do is earn the money...i probably wont cry during his funeral...i mean i wont be happy either...but i wont grief the loss...probably now..too early to say...maybe i do still care for him...but for now...he is my father by title...but not by heart.

P.S. any of my mum's friends reading this..please do not let my mum know about this post...she will get all upset that other people know about it...she doesnt have a facebook so she wouldnt know about his blog or be redirected here...she is stressed enough as it is...this post is like a rant but also to show that sometimes...seeing me happy is just one great BIG mask i have to put on...becuz i dun wan the people around me to be sad...but i also dun want to lie to these people that cares for me...so heres what happens behind closed doors...im confident that only those who cared about me would have clicked that link on facebook...so thank you whoever is reading this for being in my life :)